I knew this summer was going to be different.
Everything about the past year has been different. Parts of it have been fun and others have been difficult. Still others have been downright irritating. Still, I knew it was all coming. I've been prepared for nearly every change that has occurred in my life in the last year.
Yet, it seems that no amount of preparation is enough. I knew that with graduation everything was going to change once again. I'm no stranger to adjusting. It seems that for the last couple of years, every time I've become used to the way my life seems to work everything begins to change again. I've learned the best ways to roll with the punches and adjust to my flexible environment.
Still, I'm a little overwhelmed this time.
A little less than a year ago, I was hired at Boondocks Fun Center. I've been working as a cook in the Back Porch Grill for eleven months now and I feel like I am finally getting to the point where I can handle a rush without freaking out and screwing up. It's something that I've worked very hard toward. I've created friendships with the people I work with and I think my manager finally sees that I am serious about my job.
It just figures that now that I find myself liking my workplace and the people I work with, I am finding myself faced with a difficult and yet obvious decision. I'm not getting the hours I need. I should be working at least thirty hours a week and I'm lucky at this point to be getting thirty hours a paycheck. It has been enough to get me by for the past year, but... Like I said, everything's changing now. I can no longer get by on $250 a month.
I need another job to get me through the summer. Then, come August, I will probably be forced with a decision. Which job will best for me during the school year? Which job can I afford to keep?
The problem is, I hate the process of finding a job. It took me a year to get my interview with Boondocks. It was a year of applications, resumes and plenty of frustration. I hated that part of my life. I don't want to be back there again. I don't know how some people do it. I tried for a year. I filled out hundreds of job applications and was only even asked in for one interview. Now I have to do it all again and I have to do it while working my job at Boondocks.
When did summer stop being about days spent out in the sun? When did it become just another period of time for me to get through so that I can move on to the next? The thing that I've hated most about graduating is that I feel like I'm nowhere right now. I'm not really working toward anything except being about to afford life. I have goals, but nothing big. I feel like I'm doing nothing. There's nothing worse then that feeling. I spent the better part of my time on this blog in 2010 talking about how much I hate it, that feeling of not going anywhere but having so much that I really need to do.
I guess I just need to take a deep breath. There's really nothing that will come from ranting about it all.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Inspired
Writing Down the Bones is so much more than I expected it to be, even when I read the first couple of chapters during school. I've been ready at least a couple pages everyday and I've taken to highlighting everything that I find interesting or inspires me. There hasn't been a single page that I haven't highlighted anything and I've had so much going through my mind because of it. The book may be about writing, but I think anyone could gain something from reading it. Regardless of whether or not you're a writer, it's still interesting and valuable to have a mind that is so active. I have so many thoughts about so many things running through my mind and because I am a writer, I think that I could sit down and write about it all for days.
I may sit down and write about it all for at least a few hours. I don't think I'd ever want anyone to read it, but that's not the point, is it? Natalie Goldberg talks a lot about "first thoughts" and writes a chapter on obsessions and that seems to be the mode that this book has put my mind in right now. Every new thought or memory that comes to mind is surprising and I just need a way to express them all without losing a single one. It sounds like I'm writing in the wrong place right now, doesn't it? If I'm having all of these "first thoughts" that really should be written down, why I am writing about them instead?
I think I'm going to go write in my notebook for a little while. I'll let you know if anything good comes out of it, but I don't really mind if nothing does.
I may sit down and write about it all for at least a few hours. I don't think I'd ever want anyone to read it, but that's not the point, is it? Natalie Goldberg talks a lot about "first thoughts" and writes a chapter on obsessions and that seems to be the mode that this book has put my mind in right now. Every new thought or memory that comes to mind is surprising and I just need a way to express them all without losing a single one. It sounds like I'm writing in the wrong place right now, doesn't it? If I'm having all of these "first thoughts" that really should be written down, why I am writing about them instead?
I think I'm going to go write in my notebook for a little while. I'll let you know if anything good comes out of it, but I don't really mind if nothing does.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The Other Side Revisited
So I managed to finish another revision today. This one is really different from the original. I'm not sure what I think of it yet, and I'm sure this one will have even more revisions this summer. It mixes my original intention for the piece with my new concept for it in a way that still seems slightly awkward to me. I more than doubled it in length, and I'm not even sure if you can really consider them the same piece. Still, here it is.
"Why can't I move? Why can't I force myself from this spot? I mean, I'm standing here staring at a train!" She exclaimed into her phone. Why did she do this to herself, she wondered as she wrapped her free arm around her stomach. "It's not even the same train station he left from, and yet, I can't leave. I feel like maybe if I stand here long enough, he'll come back. Is that crazy?"
"I don't think you have quite reached crazy yet." Her sister's voice reassured her over the phone. "Obsessive, definitely... A little unreasonable, but you have not been trying to track him down like you originally said you were going to, so I think you may still be sane."
"I just wish he could have forgiven me, you know? I mean, we both made mistakes. I didn't jump on a train just to get away from them, though. I dealt with my problems." The anger that she had worked so hard to force down was now beginning to creep back up her throat. "He didn't even let anyone know where he was going! I know we weren't speaking, but don't you think I deserved something from him at least?" She felt like she was begging for some kind of reassurance that she had been wronged.
"Honestly?" Her sister's voice was hesitant. "I don't think you did. You hurt him just as much as he hurt you, sis. I think peace was really all either of you could expect from each other and he tried to give that to you."
In the station, the young woman took a deep breath, unable to deny the truth to her sister's words. "I know," she admitted quietly.
"Listen, I have to go. Mom's waiting for me. Try not to focus on it, alright? You will be fine once you stop dwelling on all the bad blood. Try to think of it as a fresh start. You still deserve happiness. Even he wouldn't deny you that."
"Yeah. I'll try. Thanks for listening." She considered her sister's words, turning them around and around in her mind.
"No problem. That's what sisters are for. Love you."
"Love you, too. Tell mom I said hi." When her sister disconnected she flipped her phone shut, pulling both arms tight around herself, trying to hold it all together. Her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to forget the distance separating her from everyone that had ever mattered to her.
She regretted the silence that had been her final moments with him. They had left their known world for this one, together, looking for a new start, but she had been so cold in the end. She should have tried to talk to him. Instead of months of silence, there could have been words. They could have fixed it, she knew that now, too late.
What he had seen was that she showed no sorrow for the events that tore them apart. She had been so desperate to keep herself safe and together that she had become a stone. Maybe if she had let him in, he would have been able to forgive her and she would not be left watching trains come and go from an empty station.
She had left everyone else behind for a chance with him and she had messed it all up without looking at the damage she had caused. Opening her eyes, she took one more deep breath. She turned to leave the station, realizing what she should have known all along.
Without him, she had nothing but a fresh start because without him by her side... She was completely alone to pick up the pieces.
"Why can't I move? Why can't I force myself from this spot? I mean, I'm standing here staring at a train!" She exclaimed into her phone. Why did she do this to herself, she wondered as she wrapped her free arm around her stomach. "It's not even the same train station he left from, and yet, I can't leave. I feel like maybe if I stand here long enough, he'll come back. Is that crazy?"
"I don't think you have quite reached crazy yet." Her sister's voice reassured her over the phone. "Obsessive, definitely... A little unreasonable, but you have not been trying to track him down like you originally said you were going to, so I think you may still be sane."
"I just wish he could have forgiven me, you know? I mean, we both made mistakes. I didn't jump on a train just to get away from them, though. I dealt with my problems." The anger that she had worked so hard to force down was now beginning to creep back up her throat. "He didn't even let anyone know where he was going! I know we weren't speaking, but don't you think I deserved something from him at least?" She felt like she was begging for some kind of reassurance that she had been wronged.
"Honestly?" Her sister's voice was hesitant. "I don't think you did. You hurt him just as much as he hurt you, sis. I think peace was really all either of you could expect from each other and he tried to give that to you."
In the station, the young woman took a deep breath, unable to deny the truth to her sister's words. "I know," she admitted quietly.
"Listen, I have to go. Mom's waiting for me. Try not to focus on it, alright? You will be fine once you stop dwelling on all the bad blood. Try to think of it as a fresh start. You still deserve happiness. Even he wouldn't deny you that."
"Yeah. I'll try. Thanks for listening." She considered her sister's words, turning them around and around in her mind.
"No problem. That's what sisters are for. Love you."
"Love you, too. Tell mom I said hi." When her sister disconnected she flipped her phone shut, pulling both arms tight around herself, trying to hold it all together. Her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to forget the distance separating her from everyone that had ever mattered to her.
She regretted the silence that had been her final moments with him. They had left their known world for this one, together, looking for a new start, but she had been so cold in the end. She should have tried to talk to him. Instead of months of silence, there could have been words. They could have fixed it, she knew that now, too late.
What he had seen was that she showed no sorrow for the events that tore them apart. She had been so desperate to keep herself safe and together that she had become a stone. Maybe if she had let him in, he would have been able to forgive her and she would not be left watching trains come and go from an empty station.
She had left everyone else behind for a chance with him and she had messed it all up without looking at the damage she had caused. Opening her eyes, she took one more deep breath. She turned to leave the station, realizing what she should have known all along.
Without him, she had nothing but a fresh start because without him by her side... She was completely alone to pick up the pieces.
The Platform Revisited
So, this is the beginning of one of my multiple summer writing projects. First, I'm going to revise the six train pieces that I have from school and rewrite the one that I could not find. Then I'm going to write new ones. Hopefully at least one a day, taking time to revise older ones as I go. Today I sat down and punched this out while looking at a copy of the original piece. I think the contrast between the two really shows you how I improved in my writing this year. I'm going to go work on revising the others now, as well. I'll probably put them up by tomorrow night.
"The world moved on."*
These quiet words snuck their way to the forefront of his mind from a book he remembered reading long ago. Back then, he was enchanted by the profound sound of such a simple phrase, but he had never really considered them any further than that.
Now, as he stood at the edge of the platform waiting for his train, somewhere between his old life and his new beginning, he forced himself to examine the words he had once so ignorantly admired. His world had certainly moved on. Long gone were the day of naiive camaraderie and laughter. Somewhere between all of the words he had said and all those he had never had the courage to express, his world and the sepereate worlds of all those around him had moved on.
Standing there, he supposed it must be time for him to move on as well. He could not just continue to live in this limbo between his past and his future, watching but not living as the world passed him by in a blur of activity.
Forgive and forget, he thought as he watched all the other people in the station coming and going, never standing still. his past would always be a part of him, but maybe just this once he could move on without bringing all of his bitterness with him.
The low rumble of an approaching train reached his ears and brought his attention to the dark tunnel as it began to slowly fill with blinding white light. He had no choice now, he thought as the train came to a complete stop in front of him and the doors slid open slowly. There was no way for him to deny that he really had to move on now.
He took a deep breath as he settled in his seat and looked out the window on the platform. He felt the gears begin to grind together beneath him as the train began to move.
Back on the platform, no one noticed the luggage that he had left behind.
* Phrase comes from Stephen King's The Gunslinger.
"The world moved on."*
These quiet words snuck their way to the forefront of his mind from a book he remembered reading long ago. Back then, he was enchanted by the profound sound of such a simple phrase, but he had never really considered them any further than that.
Now, as he stood at the edge of the platform waiting for his train, somewhere between his old life and his new beginning, he forced himself to examine the words he had once so ignorantly admired. His world had certainly moved on. Long gone were the day of naiive camaraderie and laughter. Somewhere between all of the words he had said and all those he had never had the courage to express, his world and the sepereate worlds of all those around him had moved on.
Standing there, he supposed it must be time for him to move on as well. He could not just continue to live in this limbo between his past and his future, watching but not living as the world passed him by in a blur of activity.
Forgive and forget, he thought as he watched all the other people in the station coming and going, never standing still. his past would always be a part of him, but maybe just this once he could move on without bringing all of his bitterness with him.
The low rumble of an approaching train reached his ears and brought his attention to the dark tunnel as it began to slowly fill with blinding white light. He had no choice now, he thought as the train came to a complete stop in front of him and the doors slid open slowly. There was no way for him to deny that he really had to move on now.
He took a deep breath as he settled in his seat and looked out the window on the platform. He felt the gears begin to grind together beneath him as the train began to move.
Back on the platform, no one noticed the luggage that he had left behind.
* Phrase comes from Stephen King's The Gunslinger.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Lost Pieces and Inspiration
I woke up this morning with a plan. Today I am going to compile all of my "train pieces" so that they are in one place (the beautiful notebook that my cousin, Andi gave me for graduation.) From there I was going to rewrite them, add some stronger imagery and better character to the earlier pieces, and possibly write a few more.
I've written six pieces that I was able to locate this morning. I'm pretty sure they are all on my blog, but if they aren't they will be soon (I plan to start posting all of the writing I did this year that is not up yet.) However, there is a seventh piece that I know that I wrote and that I really liked that I cannot find anywhere. It makes me sad, but I think at this point I will just rewrite it. I still like the concept of the piece and I can probably make it stronger if I write it now as opposed to two o'clock in the morning when I originally wrote it.
Anyway, I was just on the computer looking through files to find the pieces and I thought I would come explain to everyone who reads this what I am up to today... I don't know why.
Oh! Now I'm going to rant about the books that I've been given lately that I'm going to be using for inspiration in my writing this summer. :)
The first is Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. This book is one that my Creative Writing/AP Literature teacher gave me before school ended. I had borrowed a copy from her but had not been able to finish it before giving it back to her. I love it so far. Natalie Goldberg really has some great things to say about writing. She talks about how important it is to just write and not question your writing (like I just did with the end of this sentence, rewritten about ten times.) I think I am really going to learn a lot and my writing is definitely going to improve from reading this book.
The next two books are ones that my dad bought me while we were at The Gateway after graduation last week. Unlike the Writing Down the Bones, these two books were picked more to give me inspiration for my writing. I picked them out of the many books on the shelf in Barnes & Noble because I think that they are likely to really help give me something to write about.
Semantic Antics by Sol Steinmetz is basically a dictionary of how words have changed over time. I'm still reading the introduction, but so far I'm really liking this book. It talks about the different ways that words can change as well. Apparently the different types of changes all of specific names. Honestly, I think it would be really interesting to study, which was not what I expected when I picked this book off the shelf and asked my dad if he would buy it for me. Really, I was just thinking that I would be able to open it, pick a word at random and find a way to write about it. I still plan to do that, even though I will probably get more from it as well.
The Pocket Muse 2 by Monica Wood was actually recommended to me by my older sister, Wendy, who was with me at the time. I haven't really had time to just look through it yet, but it seems to be a collection of pictures, prompts and tips to inspire writing. I've seen the first book and I've probably flipped through it at B&N before, but I had never really thought about seriously buying it. However, if I like using the second one, I may just have to go find the first one sometime soon.
I'm really excited about these books. Plus, I think I may be heading to B&N today to look for more. I think it would be a good way to spend my day off, don't you? I could look around at the books for a while and then just sit and write for a while. The idea is sounding more and more appealing to me by the second. After all, what better place for inspiration than a book store?
Since Blogger is being ridiculous and would not let me post this (still isn't, actually,) I'd like to update with the fact that I did spend a significant part of my day at B&N. In fact, I freaked out when I accidentally left my wallet in my car and then ended up spending almost $50. I probably should have left the wallet in the car. However, I'm excited to read Water for Elephants and I'm glad that I finally own my own copy of the miserable thoughts book as well as a couple of others.
Hopefully blogger will let me put this up soon.
I've written six pieces that I was able to locate this morning. I'm pretty sure they are all on my blog, but if they aren't they will be soon (I plan to start posting all of the writing I did this year that is not up yet.) However, there is a seventh piece that I know that I wrote and that I really liked that I cannot find anywhere. It makes me sad, but I think at this point I will just rewrite it. I still like the concept of the piece and I can probably make it stronger if I write it now as opposed to two o'clock in the morning when I originally wrote it.
Anyway, I was just on the computer looking through files to find the pieces and I thought I would come explain to everyone who reads this what I am up to today... I don't know why.
Oh! Now I'm going to rant about the books that I've been given lately that I'm going to be using for inspiration in my writing this summer. :)
The first is Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. This book is one that my Creative Writing/AP Literature teacher gave me before school ended. I had borrowed a copy from her but had not been able to finish it before giving it back to her. I love it so far. Natalie Goldberg really has some great things to say about writing. She talks about how important it is to just write and not question your writing (like I just did with the end of this sentence, rewritten about ten times.) I think I am really going to learn a lot and my writing is definitely going to improve from reading this book.
The next two books are ones that my dad bought me while we were at The Gateway after graduation last week. Unlike the Writing Down the Bones, these two books were picked more to give me inspiration for my writing. I picked them out of the many books on the shelf in Barnes & Noble because I think that they are likely to really help give me something to write about.
Semantic Antics by Sol Steinmetz is basically a dictionary of how words have changed over time. I'm still reading the introduction, but so far I'm really liking this book. It talks about the different ways that words can change as well. Apparently the different types of changes all of specific names. Honestly, I think it would be really interesting to study, which was not what I expected when I picked this book off the shelf and asked my dad if he would buy it for me. Really, I was just thinking that I would be able to open it, pick a word at random and find a way to write about it. I still plan to do that, even though I will probably get more from it as well.
The Pocket Muse 2 by Monica Wood was actually recommended to me by my older sister, Wendy, who was with me at the time. I haven't really had time to just look through it yet, but it seems to be a collection of pictures, prompts and tips to inspire writing. I've seen the first book and I've probably flipped through it at B&N before, but I had never really thought about seriously buying it. However, if I like using the second one, I may just have to go find the first one sometime soon.
I'm really excited about these books. Plus, I think I may be heading to B&N today to look for more. I think it would be a good way to spend my day off, don't you? I could look around at the books for a while and then just sit and write for a while. The idea is sounding more and more appealing to me by the second. After all, what better place for inspiration than a book store?
Since Blogger is being ridiculous and would not let me post this (still isn't, actually,) I'd like to update with the fact that I did spend a significant part of my day at B&N. In fact, I freaked out when I accidentally left my wallet in my car and then ended up spending almost $50. I probably should have left the wallet in the car. However, I'm excited to read Water for Elephants and I'm glad that I finally own my own copy of the miserable thoughts book as well as a couple of others.
Hopefully blogger will let me put this up soon.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
My Perfect Summer
Want to hear about my perfect idea of a summer day?
Well it would be something like this:
A good book paired with good music, beautiful weather and an afternoon at the park with my sisters. sounds amazing doesn't it?
That is my day today if my sisters can get ready in time for me to go to the park with them before I have to go to work tonight. I'm reading The Hobbit and I have my iPod on shuffle.
Today is a good day.
Well it would be something like this:
A good book paired with good music, beautiful weather and an afternoon at the park with my sisters. sounds amazing doesn't it?
That is my day today if my sisters can get ready in time for me to go to the park with them before I have to go to work tonight. I'm reading The Hobbit and I have my iPod on shuffle.
Today is a good day.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
So... I Graduated?
Honestly, the last week has become one giant blur. Somehow, during all of my internalized spazzing and panicking, everything happened and all that I have left to do is look back through all of the pictures other people took so that I may be able to, eventually, admit that it actually happened.
I mean... How? I worked for thirteen years and then last Thursday I walked across a (not really) stage and someone handed me a (not really) diploma and that was it? It seems very anticlimactic, if you ask me. How is anyone supposed to actually feel like it really happened? I don't think it will truly feel real to me until I walk into my first college class in the fall (which I am super excited about and secretly wishing away the summer for.)
I just... can't believe that it's over. I kind of feel like I should need to have a really good happy/mournful cry over it... Because that's what I do. But I'm still in shock. I just... don't know.
Eventually I'll come up with some better worded thoughts about all of this. I just didn't want too much time to go by without mentioning it. So here it is.
I mean... How? I worked for thirteen years and then last Thursday I walked across a (not really) stage and someone handed me a (not really) diploma and that was it? It seems very anticlimactic, if you ask me. How is anyone supposed to actually feel like it really happened? I don't think it will truly feel real to me until I walk into my first college class in the fall (which I am super excited about and secretly wishing away the summer for.)
I just... can't believe that it's over. I kind of feel like I should need to have a really good happy/mournful cry over it... Because that's what I do. But I'm still in shock. I just... don't know.
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| The only pictures that are currently on Facebook of me actually at graduation. :D |
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