Transitions

As 2012 came to an end and we moved into the new year, I found myself thinking a lot about what I would start off my year blogging about. I've written a couple of drafts that discuss all of the things that the year taught me and all of the ways that my life changed. Those things are important and they're true... But I feel like I have already said so much about all of that. Those are the things that I write about all of the time. I am a person who is perpetually looking behind her and into the past. Why is that?

All I know is that sometime during the last year I have found myself struggling to move into a future that is really, really undefined. I have given myself the idea that what I am doing is progressing, but I'm not really. I have hopes, dreams, and ideas that create the illusion of progress... But am I really doing anything differently?

I go to school. I go to work. I sometimes clean my bedroom. Every once in a while a friend will reveal themselves from the woodwork and I'll spend a couple of days socializing. There is absolutely no difference between my actions now and my actions in high school. My mind is different. My outlook on life is different. My actions are the same. How is that progress?

I feel like I'm so stuck in this pattern. I think I may have reached a limit as far as progress is concerned with my life as it is now. I need to put myself in a new situation somehow. I need to remove myself from the old patterns that I have found myself in and find some room to grow. I just... Have no idea where to start.

So my New Year's Resolution this year is less about changing myself and more about putting myself out into the world more. I want to move out of my house and reach the independence that doing so will allow me. I want to pay off my car so that I can put even more money away for my future. I want to meet new people and forge new relationships. I feel like 2012 was all about changing the way I saw myself and the rest of the world. 2013 is going to be the next phase. I'll get there eventually, right?

I Have Really Bad Luck

Cars are important. Without cars, many of us would not be able to get to work or school. We would not be able to visit family or friends. We would find it a lot more difficult to go to the store. For me, having a car has always been a huge part of my independence. I remember being in junior high and having to ask my mom for a ride home from my various activities every single day. Considering my mom was always around at the time, I didn't consider this a huge deal. In fact, I definitely took her for granted on that front. The second that the idea of me being able to drive became a reality, though, it became something that was absolutely necessary.

I have only actually had my license for a little under three years. My mom didn't want us starting to drive in the middle of the winter, so Carley and I didn't get our licenses until about six months after our sixteenth birthday (a number that seemed so much larger back then.) We each actually got cars a few months before we had our licenses, though. My parents bought three: a Toyota Camry for Carley, a Toyota Celica for me, and a Honda Civic for Emily. The thing about the Celica was that it was a project for Bill. It needed a LOT of work. In the mean time, since Emily wasn't going to have her license for over a year, I was to drive the Civic. It was a cute little car and I absolutely loved it. I made mix cds to listen to while I drove to school and to work. I showed it off to my friends. I came up with any excuse possible to go somewhere, anywhere, on my own.

All of this happened in a week.

Because exactly a week to the hour after I received my driver's license, this happened:

It was probably the scariest moment of my life and I've learned more from it than anything else that has ever happened to me. In fact, I learn more things about myself and about life from that accident all the time. Every time I remember what happened I realize something that I was blind to in the past. That's simply part of growing up, I'm sure, but it just proves that even the lowest moments in our lives can become events that we are at least slightly grateful for. I'm glad I had the chance to learn the things that being in a car accident and its aftermath taught me. I'm glad that I continue to learn from it. I'm glad that it will probably always still have things to teach me.

So that is what happened to my first car (even though it wasn't really mine.)

After that, I went about a year without having a vehicle. Since I had wrecked the Civic, the Celica would go to Emily and I would have to find a way to pay for my own insurance. I can't say that I was a very pleasant person to be around back then. I spent a lot of time complaining about how I wasn't doing anything with my life while doing absolutely nothing to fix that. Eventually my dad gave me this car that had been a part of the family for quite a long time (this is the only picture I have of it):

For a long time, all the van did was sit on the street outside of our house. I did manage to get hired by Boondocks eventually, though. Having money meant that I could finally afford insurance and gas and everything else that went with having my own transportation. The van was a great vehicle for me for about six months. Once winter hit, though, it proved to not be such a great car. It turned out that whenever it snowed, water or something would get up into the car and the belt would slip off, leaving me without power steering and overheating the engine. After one too many times of me ending up home in tears (I was incredibly lucky that I was on my way home and fairly close every time it happened), my parents decided that the van was not a safe car for me and we sold it. 

I didn't go nearly as long without a vehicle this time. About a month after we sold the van, Bill found the Maxima for me. It was a great little car that was fairly cheap compared to others that we had been looking at. It required a bit of work before I could register and drive it. I wasn't sure about it at first, but once I began driving it, I fell in love with that little car. In fact, I've practically lived out of that thing for the last year. 

I was driving home a couple of weeks ago, stopped at a stop sign and about to cross a busy intersection when there was a loud thunk. I tried to keep going regardless, but the maxima wouldn't move. It was like I had put the car in neutral. In the end, I had to call my grandma to pick me up and a guy helped me push the car into a parking lot while I waited for her. Bill took it in to see if there was any way it would be worth it to get it fixed, but I had already figured that I would need a new car. At least while I was in between vehicles this time I would still have a way to get around. I've been borrowing Bill's truck for a couple of weeks now.

This is where I interject with just how much I appreciate everything that my parents do for me. Every single time I have issues with a car, my mom and Bill jump in and help me out. I admit that I haven't always been as appreciative about it as I should be. Still, my parents continue to support me through every single vehicle problem I have (as well as every other challenge in my life.) They are awesome. In fact, they are buying this car for me and letting me make payments to them instead of getting a loan or waiting to save up money for it:

They say it looks like me and they think I will love it. I was a little nervous about it at first, but I trust my parents completely and told them that I would be comfortable with whatever car Bill thought would be best. Honestly, every day I think about it I get a little bit more excited. It's a cute car, is it not? And I have always wanted a jeep. Even if this isn't necessarily what I was thinking at the time. I just can't wait to have a car that is mine again.

Hopefully I'll have better luck with this one.