Someone Out There Is Probably Thinking About You

As is probably evident from my recent entries, I have had a lot of reasons to think about friends lately. Today, I hung out with one of the people who used to be a frequent topic of this blog. Tori leaves for the Navy on Monday and even though we haven't hung out in months, I was determined to see her one more time before she leaves. The thing is, it doesn't matter how long we go without talking. I will always care about her and I will always be interested in how her life is going. She is one of those people who have come into my life and left an impression so crucial that there is no way that I will ever forget about her. Of the thousands of people I have met in my lifetime, only a handful of them have left that kind of mark. Most of them have been written about here. Some have not.

When I find myself thinking about old friends, there's always this feeling of longing in my chest. It doesn't matter that most of my 'old' friends are that way for a reason. I always miss something about our friendship. Take Morgan, for example. I believe I've written about her in the past but if not she was my very best friend in seventh grade and partially through eighth. We still talked and hung out in ninth grade but we just weren't as close. There are many things that I miss about my friendship with Morgan. One of which is how we wrote stories together. We also spent a lot of time watching youtube videos and locking sims in burning buildings. In two and a half years of close friendship, I think we only ever had one argument. For me in junior high, that was quite an accomplishment.

One of my old friends is getting married toward the end of this month. Clair and I have known each other since junior high as well, but our friendship always happened in spurts. We'd talk for a couple weeks and then we wouldn't think about each other for a couple of months. One of the girls going to her wedding was also one of my very close friends in junior high. I think I hung out with Carrine as much as I did because I wanted to be as much of a girly girl as she was. I wanted to wear make up and get my nails done and dye my hair. Plus, she introduced me to myspace and energy drinks. She moved in eighth grade and I haven't seen her in years. It will be interesting to see if/how any interaction with her will go down at Clair's wedding.

Ian and I often end up talking about people that we knew in junior high. The thing is, in the community we live in it is inevitable that we will run into those people  for the rest of our lives if we stay here. I think that's a good thing, because I will always care for them a little bit. As awesome as facebook is, a random wall post is never as fun as running into your old best friend at the store and having an impromptu catch up session. Yes, there are people that I wish I wouldn't ever have to run into but the awesome thing about growing up is that we learn to ignore those people and they ignore us in return.

The friends that I think it will be far more difficult to remain in contact with are the ones who were my teachers first. There are two, really, that I have learned to consider as much more than my teachers. Mr. T, whose class required me to begin writing in a blog once a week five years ago, served as a mentor and someone for me to talk to all the way through high school. I haven't spoken to him in a while, but I know that I'll find my way back into his classroom at some point this fall. It always happens. I'll always be curious to see how he is doing.

Miss Merrell is also someone that I hope I will remain in contact with for a long time. She helped me through a lot of difficult things during my senior year and I absolutely love that whenever I visit her our conversations drag on for hours. However, she does not have a facebook like Mr. T and does not really respond to emails very often. Still, I plan to continue bugging her from time to time. She was the best teacher I had in high school and definitely one of the best that I've ever had... But she is much more than that. She is definitely someone that I would consider a friend. As I'm sure many of her students do.

So... I don't know. Here are my thoughts on a few people that I haven't mentioned in a while (or ever.) I wonder if they would find it strange to know that I was thinking about them tonight. I'm sure some of them would be because we haven't spoken in so long. I think others would just be happy about it. I'm not sure. Either way, four of them have knowledge of this blog's existence. So hello, if any of you happen to read this. :)

Update

I don't even know if anyone keeps up with this blog anymore, but if you do you've probably noticed that my posts have been few and far between lately. I'm not going to say that I don't have time because I could make time if I really had something I needed to say. However, I've been much to busy living my life lately to spend hours online writing about it. I think I spent last year waiting for something to happen that would bring me out of the funk that I had been in since about half way through senior year. I didn't really realize that I would have to be the one to make something happen and move my life onto a more positive path. I didn't realize that, and yet I made the move eventually anyway.

I have never been an extremely social person. All my life, if I needed someone to hang out with or someone to talk to, I always had my gaggle of sisters to turn to. I wanted friends, but I wasn't really sure how to make them. Until recently, the last time I made a friend on my own and not through mutual friends was in 7th grade.  Like I said, I'm not a social person. If you put me in a room with a ton of strangers, I'm not likely to strike up conversation. It takes a lot of effort for me to be that outgoing, but it's something that I've always thought I needed to work. So when I started at Zupas, I was absolutely determined to make some friends there. I just started talking. I tried to get to know everyone. At first, I thought that we would all make one very awesome, large group of friends. As we've all gotten to know each other more, though, we've formed our own groups and pairs.

It's been really interesting to see these groups evolve. My own group started out being fairly large and has narrowed itself down to three people (one of which doesn't work at Zupas.) The first time we got a group of us together after work was super awkward and the most fun I have had in months. We laughed our heads off at absolutely nothing and people who saw us probably thought we had been friends for a very long time instead of being coworkers who had only known each other for two weeks. After that, certain people seemed to get weeded out of the group. The process continued until it ended up just being me, Megan, and Ian. I love when you meet new people and they just absolutely click with you.

Anyway, Megan and Ian are the type of friends that I always wanted in high school (which is slightly ironic, considering Ian and I were friends in high school.) We make plans all the time. We can sit talking to each other until three in the morning. We talk about the tv shows and music we like as well as the bigger, more important things in our lives. I can truly be myself with them in a way that I couldn't be with any of my friends in the past.

And I'm writing all of this because I've been confined to my couch for the past few days. See, I've had a couple of lumps on my left foot for years. I haven't really paid attention to them, but ever since I've been working more the lumps have been getting larger and have been hurting more. My mom has been telling me to get them looked at for such a long time and finally convinced me two weeks ago. I went to the doctor and was referred to a podiatrist. I had my mom come with me because I have been to the doctor exactly two times in the past fifteen years before this month. I was nervous, but Carley came as well and kept me distracted. The podiatrist said that it was most likely two different cysts that they could remove with two small incisions.

I had the surgery on Tuesday. I was ridiculously nervous. I've never even had an iv before, let alone a surgery. It was all a lot simpler than I thought it would be, though. The nurse got the iv in easily, the anesthesiologist brought me back to the OR and then they hooked me up to monitors and got the medicine started. I vaguely remember them putting the anesthetic into my foot. I remember that hurt, but I don't remember the pain. One minute I was listening to the beeping of the monitors and the next moment they were waking me up, telling me I was done. I remember saying "Seriously?" because I couldn't believe it was already over. The doctor told my mom that I was smiling and had everyone laughing when I woke up, though, so something more must have happened.

The doctor also told my mom that it was worse than they thought. Instead of being two cysts, there was only one large cyst that was attached to my tendons. They tried to get to the source, but it is likely that it will come back. Anyway, instead of two small incisions, I have one 3 1/2 inch incision on my foot. I'm not supposed to be walking on it and I am therefore stuck on the couch. A while ago, I would have loved the idea of not having to do anything or go to work or get off of the couch at all. Now, though, it is driving me nuts to just sit here. I want to hang out with my friends and see my work peeps and play cards with my sisters at the kitchen table. So it's driving me nuts to sit here, but that's ok. Soon enough I will be out and about once again. :D

Ramblings...

I know I write about change a lot, but lately I've been amazed at how much can change in such a short period of time. Change can be started by the most simple of things: a phone call about a job interview, a Facebook message sent in the early hours of the morning, or even an interjection into a conversation that you weren't actually part of. Those things happen all of the time. I send messages on Facebook almost daily and I'm always talking to people (whether or not I was part of the conversation to begin with.) What has really caused so much to change is the fact that I've wanted this change and I have actively taken part in making myself a happier and more positive person. With that, I've found that I have more friends and more opportunities. 

A year ago I was a new high school graduate with plans and ideas about my future but no real friends. I thought I knew who I was... but it turned out that I had tried to force myself into being something that was not quite natural for me. I can't really say that I have it all figured out now, but I have a better idea. My first year of college taught me a lot about the things that I don't want to be doing for the rest of my life and the things that I do still enjoy but cannot see myself making a career out of. I met all kinds of people but was not quite ready to come out of my shell enough to be friends with most of them. I watched. I listened. I came out of it as a person who could accept that I don't really know where my path is going to take me yet. I know now that there is still so much more about myself that I need to learn. I also know that in order to learn more about myself, I need to be more open to doling things that I wouldn't normally do. 

This was going to be a blog about my sister's graduation party last night as well as the two people who have become my best friends over the last couple of weeks... I don't know what happened to that. Maybe after I get back from camping with Ian and Megan next week. :P In the meantime, I hope anyone who reads this is enjoying life as much as I am these days.

True Happiness

I just wanted to write a quick update since it's been over a month since I was last on here. In that time, I've gotten a new job, quit my old job, reconnected with my best friend, stopped trying so hard to connect with another friend, gained so many new friends, and become a much happier person because of all of that. Everything just seems to be going my way right now and I absolutely love it.

The greatest part of it all? Being happy has helped me fix my relationship with one of my favorite people on the planet. I think back on all of the ways that I blamed her for our problems and I realize that my attitude really had such a huge part in it. We are so much closer these days and I love love love that we are spending time together.

Really, I don't think my life could get much better than this.

I Have Really Bad Luck

Cars are important. Without cars, many of us would not be able to get to work or school. We would not be able to visit family or friends. We would find it a lot more difficult to go to the store. For me, having a car has always been a huge part of my independence. I remember being in junior high and having to ask my mom for a ride home from my various activities every single day. Considering my mom was always around at the time, I didn't consider this a huge deal. In fact, I definitely took her for granted on that front. The second that the idea of me being able to drive became a reality, though, it became something that was absolutely necessary.

I have only actually had my license for a little under three years. My mom didn't want us starting to drive in the middle of the winter, so Carley and I didn't get our licenses until about six months after our sixteenth birthday (a number that seemed so much larger back then.) We each actually got cars a few months before we had our licenses, though. My parents bought three: a Toyota Camry for Carley, a Toyota Celica for me, and a Honda Civic for Emily. The thing about the Celica was that it was a project for Bill. It needed a LOT of work. In the mean time, since Emily wasn't going to have her license for over a year, I was to drive the Civic. It was a cute little car and I absolutely loved it. I made mix cds to listen to while I drove to school and to work. I showed it off to my friends. I came up with any excuse possible to go somewhere, anywhere, on my own.

All of this happened in a week.

Because exactly a week to the hour after I received my driver's license, this happened:

It was probably the scariest moment of my life and I've learned more from it than anything else that has ever happened to me. In fact, I learn more things about myself and about life from that accident all the time. Every time I remember what happened I realize something that I was blind to in the past. That's simply part of growing up, I'm sure, but it just proves that even the lowest moments in our lives can become events that we are at least slightly grateful for. I'm glad I had the chance to learn the things that being in a car accident and its aftermath taught me. I'm glad that I continue to learn from it. I'm glad that it will probably always still have things to teach me.

So that is what happened to my first car (even though it wasn't really mine.)

After that, I went about a year without having a vehicle. Since I had wrecked the Civic, the Celica would go to Emily and I would have to find a way to pay for my own insurance. I can't say that I was a very pleasant person to be around back then. I spent a lot of time complaining about how I wasn't doing anything with my life while doing absolutely nothing to fix that. Eventually my dad gave me this car that had been a part of the family for quite a long time (this is the only picture I have of it):

For a long time, all the van did was sit on the street outside of our house. I did manage to get hired by Boondocks eventually, though. Having money meant that I could finally afford insurance and gas and everything else that went with having my own transportation. The van was a great vehicle for me for about six months. Once winter hit, though, it proved to not be such a great car. It turned out that whenever it snowed, water or something would get up into the car and the belt would slip off, leaving me without power steering and overheating the engine. After one too many times of me ending up home in tears (I was incredibly lucky that I was on my way home and fairly close every time it happened), my parents decided that the van was not a safe car for me and we sold it. 

I didn't go nearly as long without a vehicle this time. About a month after we sold the van, Bill found the Maxima for me. It was a great little car that was fairly cheap compared to others that we had been looking at. It required a bit of work before I could register and drive it. I wasn't sure about it at first, but once I began driving it, I fell in love with that little car. In fact, I've practically lived out of that thing for the last year. 

I was driving home a couple of weeks ago, stopped at a stop sign and about to cross a busy intersection when there was a loud thunk. I tried to keep going regardless, but the maxima wouldn't move. It was like I had put the car in neutral. In the end, I had to call my grandma to pick me up and a guy helped me push the car into a parking lot while I waited for her. Bill took it in to see if there was any way it would be worth it to get it fixed, but I had already figured that I would need a new car. At least while I was in between vehicles this time I would still have a way to get around. I've been borrowing Bill's truck for a couple of weeks now.

This is where I interject with just how much I appreciate everything that my parents do for me. Every single time I have issues with a car, my mom and Bill jump in and help me out. I admit that I haven't always been as appreciative about it as I should be. Still, my parents continue to support me through every single vehicle problem I have (as well as every other challenge in my life.) They are awesome. In fact, they are buying this car for me and letting me make payments to them instead of getting a loan or waiting to save up money for it:

They say it looks like me and they think I will love it. I was a little nervous about it at first, but I trust my parents completely and told them that I would be comfortable with whatever car Bill thought would be best. Honestly, every day I think about it I get a little bit more excited. It's a cute car, is it not? And I have always wanted a jeep. Even if this isn't necessarily what I was thinking at the time. I just can't wait to have a car that is mine again.

Hopefully I'll have better luck with this one.

So This is What Happiness Feels Like

In the late summer of 2010, I was desperate to get a job. So desperate that in my flurry of applications and complaints about nothing happening, I ended up with two jobs. The first was just a summer gig; watching my cousin, Jack, who was three at time. My afternoons were spent watching Backyardigans and corralling my favorite little boy on the planet. Not long after I started that job, I was contacted about Boondocks. Before I knew what had happened, I had been hired. That was the beginning of journey.

For the rest of the summer, I was so busy training and working that I didn't babysit Jack as often. At first I was awkward and quiet around the kitchen. Now, just short of two years later, so much has changed. I am the one that is working in that having fun and goofing off when we're slow and I am the one that the newer people look to when we're busy. My confidence is not always strong, but I do feel a lot better about running that place than I ever would have that first summer. However, as things always seem to go in my life, just as I am getting really comfortable with my situation, things are moving again.

Looking back at this blog that I wrote in my first month at Boondocks, the words seem familiar. It's like a very good friend wrote them. I understand what they're saying and I remember being there. Still, I find myself laughing at everything I thought I knew back then versus everything that I know that I don't know now. The girl who wrote those words and the girl who is writing these right now are two very different people of similar backgrounds. Their values, their beliefs, their priorities... Everything is different. There is one difference that definitely stands out, though.

This girl. Right here, right now. She's happy.

It took today, my last leadership meeting at Boondocks, for me to realize just how... not me I've been for a long time. I was sitting at that table, looking around at the people who I've been working with for quite a while and saw what my mom has been telling me for months. Those people aren't good for me. No matter how much I have loved working at Boondocks at moments in the past, what I have ahead of me is so much better.

Last Tuesday, I received a call on my way to school. When I listened to the voice mail asking me to schedule an interview with Cafe Zupas I literally screamed. It's a good thing I was still in my car. I immediately called the guy back, but it wasn't until two days and five calls later that we actually managed to get in touch.

My interview was with the district manager. So far, he seems like an absolutely great guy whom I will love working with. We talked about everything from my goals in college and work to the differences between how Zupas and Boondocks run their kitchens. I expressed my love for cooking and my desire to work somewhere that will give me more guest interaction. It was the longest interview I have ever had.

At the end he set his pen down and said "I'm torn with you. Let me just tell you, I am going to hire you." I freaked at this point and I don't really remember what the specifics of the rest of our conversation were. He said that he didn't know whether he should hire me as a prep cook or a line server. He wanted my personality out front but I had expressed interest in cooking and the hours and pay were more what I was looking for.

After some discussion and negotiation we came to a compromise. I am officially a line server at Zupas and I cannot wait to begin working. The atmosphere there is going to be so much more positive and I am just so determined to make this the start of a happier and more productive me.

I will never forget the lessons that I learned while working for Boondocks. I have grown so much as a person since I started there and I have met quite a variety of people. Still, moving forward I am able to take all of those things that I learned and put them into action in a brand new environment.

Everything is looking up right now and I'm happier than I can remember being in a very long time. There are definitely good things coming up in my future.

<3

Lost

I guess that's all there is to describe me right now. 

I don't really know where I fit. My school isn't where I belong. My work doesn't fit me. I flit in and out of my home life and I feel so disconnected from my family. I don't know where I'm going and I'm just....

Lost.

Anyway... Ignore this. Believe it or not, I did have a pretty great day... I just heard about something that got me thinking and I felt like I needed to write my thoughts down somewhere...

I Wish This Decision Could Be Easy

I recently wrote about my latest great idea to transfer to UVU and move down to Provo in the fall... Well, I did also mention that my ideas hardly ever come to fruition, right? I dream big things all the time. I come to decisions and I try to make plans but something always keeps me in my comfort zone. People have seen that about me and I've tried to get myself out of it. I feel like there are some risks that I really just need to take... However, moving to Provo is not one that is going to happen anytime soon.

It's not because I don't have the resources for it. I've been saving money for a while and I make enough on average to be able to afford living on my own. I could do it. It would probably even be a great experience for me. I'm not even nervous about the idea. I was really, really excited about the idea of being out on my own...

With my latest considerations, though, UVU doesn't really work for me. The biggest problem is that I have been considering going into Social Work... A degree that UVU doesn't offer.

Weber does, though. Therein lies my dilemma. I really have not liked going to Weber this year. I am not enjoying my classes and I haven't really made any friends. The only thing I really managed to do was convince myself that I was not on the correct career path for me. In the past year, instead of moving forward as I always strive to do, I've moved ten paces back.

Will another year at Weber be the same then? Or will I manage to find something, somewhere that fits me? I'm nervous about spending even one more semester in stagnation. I need to find some kind of path so that I can gain momentum. I've considered transferring to the U... But it's so much more expensive. When I really have no idea what I'm going to be doing four years from now, it's probably smart for me to stay put at least until I'm really on track.

I don't like having to make this decision. I hate that I have once again started making all of these plans while people in the background were absolutely convinced that I wouldn't do it. I don't like going back on that decision now partially because I know those people will be thinking that they are right. They aren't, though.

I haven't decided not to move because I have it so much better at home. I know that I have it easier at home. Part of the reason I want to move is that it will force me out of my box and challenge me. That is not why I'm staying put. The truth is that if I want to continue to explore this latest possibility for myself, I need to be at a school that will allow that. I know it's the safer option. I know that people expected me to go back on this like I have on other things in the past.

The thing is, I want to go to UVU. I really wish that they had a bachelor program in Social Work. I think I would love the environment and I think it would be a great experience for me. I am really bummed that I have to go back on this decision that I had made and planned out. I don't want to stay at Weber. If the other option, though, is to spend more of my time doing absolutely nothing with no idea of where I'm going, then I'm going to have to reevaluate.

And that is my latest struggle.

Nostalgia

Lifted by wings

light as air

down a worn path

hidden in

a shroud of trees.

Patches of bright

yellow sunlight appear

in the darkness,

filling the air

with a warmth as

old as time.

The touch of it

a mere whisper

against callused

skin.

Wings carry too far

and too close

in one instant.

Uncomfortable

and

comforted.

Together

and

apart.

Sometimes I Surprise Myself

Sometimes I am surprised by the things I find when I read through my old posts. Who wouldn't be, really? I've written in this blog through six years. I've changed so much and so many things have happened to me. Today I read one where I went back and answered questions created by my ninth grade Honors English class. One of the questions was something about a piece of writing that changed the way I thought. The whole answer is a little unfocused, but there was part of it that had me wondering where I had come up with these words because it just seems so true and so not something that I would ever say.


" I believe that the way that I think about the world, the universe, has been shaped by the books I have read even more than my own experiences. I have not experienced much. I have read a lot."

Sort of a Train Piece

Remember last year when I was writing a bunch of short stories about people on trains? Well, I found myself writing another one of them the other day. After about a week and five different beginnings, I've come up with something that is really unlike the pieces I wrote last year. I think the length of this could end up being more like the stories that I was writing in junior high. It is kind of inspired by thoughts and decisions that I am making in my life right now. It's not incredibly original and is probably full of cliched ideas. I'm loving it, though. It's been a while since I've truly been this into writing something.


Anyway, here's what I have of it so far. Let me know what you think.


There were a lot of things that Melanie Parker would change about her life if given the chance. Like every other person on the planet, she had made choices she was not proud of. It wasn't often, but she sometimes gave in and let herself be consumed by the 'what ifs' that plagued her mind. That wasn't unusual, though. Melanie was positive that everyone wondered at times what their life would be like had they chosen to take a different path.

Melanie was also certain that everyone had a moment that changed everything. Most people didn't acknowledge it, but the moment was there all the same. It was the fork in the road. Sometimes the choices were clear and a conscious decision was made. Other times, like with Melanie, the other option was hidden, a dirt path covered with bushes and hard to find if you were not looking for it.

The soft whir of the speeding train had lulled her into these thoughts. She stared out the window at the passing scenery, one hand holding the book in her lap open while she lost herself in the warm colors of the falling leaves outside her window.

It would be nice to get home for a little while, Melanie thought. She needed to get away from the serious world she had created for herself and get back to the familiar silliness that her family and her hometown.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" A tall man with dark brown hair and sharp blue eyes pointed to the seat across from her.

Startled from her thoughts, Melanie shook her head. "Of course not." She hadn't even realized that the train was stopped, she had been so focused on the musings of her overactive mind.

The man sat down, setting his black leather shoulder bag on the seat next to him and taking off his hat. Melanie tried not to stare, but the man's piercing eyes and mysterious demeanor drew her in. He caught her gaze after settling himself and she quickly turned away.

The train was moving again as Melanie turned back to the window, too distracted to continue her thoughts. She fought the urge to look back at the man sitting across from her. She wished she could start a conversation with him without seeming too nosy or strange.

"Headed into the country?" The man asked, not seeming to have the same social inhibitions as Melanie.

It's pretty rough right now. This is just the general idea that I have written out at the moment. I have a lot more plot to this than my train pieces usually have. I almost feel like this could tie them all together, though. It would be great to get some opinions or ideas if anyone cares to share. :)

When I Was 19

I wrote the other day about how I always get big ideas when I'm about to leave for work. Another place where my mind really just goes wild is when I'm driving. I'll be headed to school or work or wherever I have to be and all of the sudden a phrase or image will pop into my mind. It's often inspired by the music I'm listening to. Usually it has something to do with whatever big decisions I'm trying to make at the time.

Yesterday, as I was driving home from school, I was thinking about college and UVU and my ever changing ideas about what I want to do with my life. I was thinking about how big of a change I'm going to be going through in about six months. Then I realized... Everything that I'm doing right now, all of my big dilemmas and uncertainties, they're all going to be stories one day. When I'm older and have everything figured out, when I have kids that are facing similar issues, I'll probably tell them about how I was absolutely clueless about what I wanted to do during my freshman year of college.

I'll be able to tell them that it isn't necessary to have everything figured out when you graduate high school. I remember thinking that last year. I thought that I needed to have a specific plan. I also thought that I was ahead of a lot of other people that I knew because I was sure of my path; I knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be. That couldn't be farther from the truth these days. I've changed my mind about everything this year. I want to be a different kind of person, I want to go to UVU, I don't want to be an English teacher. These things are all big in their own right and they all leave me with dozens of new things to figure out. I'm not really close to having any of them straightened out in my mind.

That's ok, though. There's nothing wrong with having to take some time to figure things out. I'm still in school and I'm still working. That's the important thing. I don't need to have things figured out completely as long as I'm still moving forward.

This whole thought process was at least partially inspired by Jocelyn's blog that I mentioned a while ago. It was her idea first that these are the things she will be telling her children one day. So when I'm old and have found my place in the world, I can tell my kids that when I was 19 I didn't have any idea what I was going to do with my life. But I figured it out.

Ships in Port

I've realized lately that I tend to get really big ideas right before I have to leave for work. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe it's because that's when I'm online looking through random things in an attempt to distract myself from the night ahead. Maybe not. Either way, I had another idea to add to my long list last week.

I guess it wasn't that new of an idea. The whole thing is actually something I've been considering for a few months now. However, I was talking to Jocelyn on Facebook and she mentioned something about how she wished Carley and I were down at UVU with her for various reasons. We were just joking with each other while I helped Carley with a picture she was editing for Jocelyn, but still. What she said sparked my thoughts and I found myself telling her that I had actually been considering transferring down there. We talked more and she said that she would help me figure out a budget.

The result of all of this has been a lot of hard thinking for me. Can I really afford to transfer to UVU? Turns out that the answer to that is yes. It means changing some of my other long term plans, but which plans are likely to be best for me? I want to go to London next summer, that's very true. What I've realized over the last few months, though, is that I really don't like Weber. I don't feel like I'm going to meet my potential there. I also feel like it would be really good for me to be out on my own... At least a little bit.

Jocelyn and I were hanging out at her house last week when we came across this quote on pinterest:

A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are for.

I guess I'll leave it at that for now. Once again, I have to go to work. But that's the latest on me. I'm finishing out the rest of the semester at Weber and then I'll spend the summer saving for my first year at UVU. I'm kind of really excited.

So, for old times sake, I'm sitting at Layton High School... In the newspaper staff's new lab... We're doing absolutely nothing while they're supposed to be working and I'm actually having fun. Sometimes I kind of miss high school.

So Different, Yet the Same

Parking at Weber is often ridiculous. In fact, if you arrive anywhere between 8:01 and 11:19, you are typically going to spend up to an hour driving through parking lots looking for someone is leaving right that second. I was one of the people who did this several times a week until I realized that it is so much faster just to park at the Dee Events Center and take the shuttle to canvas. That is where I parked today.

After getting off of the shuttle, I noticed that the walkway headed toward the Union Building had white and purple balloons lining it every few feet. I was confused until I saw a sign saying "Wildcat Welcome" with an arrow directing people toward the UB. I was then hit with a realization. Today was Wildcat Welcome. How have we managed to get through an entire month of 2012 with me only barely realizing it? It's crazy really. I remember going to wildcat welcome last year with Carley and our friend Claire. We were all so excited.

Now, a year later, and Claire is in California. Carley and I are going to Weber on very different schedules and having completely different experiences. But back then we were all in the same place; we were all Layton High seniors with big dreams and hardly any clue what we were actually doing. I think that could really describe most of the people that I knew from my senior class at the time.

Where did the last year go? Somewhere between my own Wildcat Welcome and now I managed to graduate high school, work through the drama that is Boondocks during the summer, and survive my first semester of college. I feel like all of this went by in a blur.

And guess what?

I still feel exactly like that Layton High senior with big dreams and no idea what I'm actually going to do with my life.

How is it that some parts of our lives leave us feeling like a completely different person and yet other, more eventful, periods of time end with us feeling like the exact same person we were? It's almost as if I've been standing on stage. The scenery behind me is constantly changing, yet I continue to stand there, looking into the audience with absolutely no idea of what is going on.

The more likely possibility is that I just haven't taken the time to notice all the ways that I've changed in the past year. I'm sure if I spent one day with any of my friends from high school (minus Kara who is the only one I'm still really in contact with) they would be able to tell me any number of things that seem different. Or maybe not. Maybe the changes of the last year were so subtle that they aren't easily noticed right now. Maybe those changes haven't really been completed yet.

mL would certainly be able to point out differences in myself that I haven't noticed. The big difference there is that I haven't seen her in nearly three years. I was going through such huge changes in my life around the time when she moved to Texas that I'm not even sure if we'd be compatible friends anymore. Who knows how much she changed during that time frame.

Anyway, as you can see, my brain wasn't really focused on Human Development of The Short Life of Francis Macombre today. I spent most of my classes thinking about how different things are now and how not different I feel.

Happy February, everyone!

Discovering Potential, Uncovering Dreams

Today, in a (rare) conversation with my dad, I was explaining to him why I was not liking college as much as I had originally expected. I told him briefly that WSU was not meeting the high expectations that I had created for myself through years of dreaming of what my college experience would be like. If we want to be really honest about it, I haven't been meeting those expectations either. Later on in our conversation I was describing to him the loop that I feel I have been stuck in since entering high school. The loop looks something like this:

So I am always cautious of myself when a great new career idea comes to my mind. I try not to let myself get too excited about the possibilities and I try to be fairly rational about the whole thing. What will be best for me? Could I really move across the country from my family? Would I be able to find a job in the field at all? If not, does my major afford me any back up options? Would I still enjoy it 30 years from now? Most of these questions are hard to answer without any experience with them.

My latest idea, though, is something that I believe would leave me with enough options to thoroughly look into it. So what exactly is it that has drawn my attention away from an English teaching major (again)? 

It really started as a result of conversations that I have had with my favorite junior high English teacher and my favorite high school English teacher while I've visited them this year. The thing is, the more they tell me about their difficulties with the administration and the students who really just don't seem to care, the more I think that I wouldn't like being a teacher in the long run. I think I would be passionate about it in the beginning and I probably would love most of the students that I taught. The problem that I have seen, though, is that it does not take much, after a long enough time in the industry, for the job to lose its worth.

That very thought has been in my mind for a few months now. The solution, some other career that I could be passionate about for a much longer amount of time, was what I was lacking. Rediscovering an old dream was what got me set on this new plan. Being a book editor at a publishing company is something that I have daydreamed about since I was 12 years old and my sister, Wendy, and I would talk about how much we loved reading and writing. Who knows if she remembers or not, but we used to talk about how we both wanted to go into publishing. As I grew up, though, I was struck with the reality of just how many of the children who dream about becoming a book editor actually really do.

Really, though, how many of those kids still really want to publish books above all else by the time they're in college? Even more importantly, how many of those college students actually leave their home states in order to join the field that they've been dreaming about? How many of them decide to stay home, close to their families, in a career that they know they can break into more easily?

I'm hoping that my logic here isn't completely wrong... I started researching possibilities today. I've even begun a plan. Most of the high profile publishing companies in New York offer summer internships for college students. I'm going to start putting money away so that by the time I'm a junior I can honestly afford to start applying to spend the summer of 2014 in New York at whatever company accepts me.

That's my new plan. As of today, I'm planning on changing my major to English with a minor in Communications. I'm going to start making a list of books to read and I'm going to spend a lot more of my time reading. I really, really want this. Maybe I'll even find a way to do it while living in Utah. However, for now, I'm not going to let those kinds of things hold me back. I think it's time for me to really look into a new dream. I've been so focused on becoming a teacher for so long that I haven't really thought about anything else that interested me because I thought there was no way I could do it. But I can. And I will.

Confidence and Creativity

Sometimes I am randomly hit by the thought that I am so lucky to have such great people in my life. My family and friends are so awesome. They are always inspiring me to be a better person. Each and every one of them has admirable traits and I am a better person for knowing them. My life would be so different, I would be so different, if I didn't have the people that I do in my life.

So today I wanted to mention two fabulous ladies who always encourage me to strive to be stronger, happier, more creative and so much more... Even if they don't realize it.

The first is a girl that I have known all my life. Literally. Carley and I may not always act like the best of friends, but she is one of the most important people in my world. She is one of the most positive people I know and she has the most infectious laugh in the world. Carley just recently started a new blog called Thirty 33 Three Pounds where she talks about her life in a creative style that I will always attribute to her. Her positive attitude, her determination, and her constant creativity are only a few of the things that I admire about her.

The next person I wanted to talk about is someone that I have became friends with over the last four years. I met Jocelyn in our sophomore year of high school because we were both on the newspaper staff. For a long time I was intimidated by the confident girl who seemed to know so much more about things than I did. I was envious of her impeccable style, outgoing nature, and natural beauty. Since then I have come to admire so many more things about her. In her new blog, When I was 18..., Jocelyn talks about her life now and what her kids will one day know about the person she is now.

One day I hope to be as confident as Jocelyn and as creative as Carley. I constantly strive to be as positive as they both are about their lives. I love spending time with these two girls and I'm so glad that I have both of them in my life. Wherever they both end up down the road, I know that they will be happy and successful.

New Year, New Goals

I meant to get around to writing this much sooner. I mean, four whole days into the new year and I haven't written anything?!? That may be a first. Here's the thing, though, I don't spend nearly as much time on the computer these days. It's one of the many pieces my New Year's resolution.

I believe I've talked about New Year's resolutions in the past. At the end of 2009 I talked about writing a journal because I wouldn't have to be careful with my thoughts. Two years later, I realize that what I should have actually been working toward (and keeping a journal could still have been my method of doing this) would be making my thoughts more positive. No matter how much I have denied it in the past, I have always been very focused on what goes wrong with my life. This way of being has contributed to bad moods, grades lower than I am capable of, and more than one lost friendship.

What does all this have to do with my 2012 New Year's resolution?

It all begins with a desk. Or, more correctly, it all begins with the lack of a desk.

All through junior high and high school, I would always do my homework (when I actually did it at all) around my kitchen table with my sisters. This worked out well mostly because, in high school and junior high, I never actually had to put much effort into my work. It all came easily to me. What were a few distractions when I could probably do the math problems in my sleep anyway?

One of the things that I learned last semester was that college works requires concentration. Unlike in high school or junior high, my professors are not going to accept the bare minimum from me. I have to work hard on every assignment, every paper. I have to read the textbooks and retain the material. I have to be able to focus. Working around the kitchen table just does not encourage anything of the sort. So I asked my mom for a desk for Christmas.

She actually had me looking at them with her once or twice. We swapped links to websites while she was at work but could never find anything that looked like it would work in my room. I figured that I probably wouldn't be getting a desk for Christmas.

Guess what?

I got the coolest desk ever.

Anyway, the night that I got my desk set up in my room I had my mom come and see it. I mentioned how I thought my walls were boring since I finally took all of my old Science Olympiad medals down. The comment that she made is really what got me thinking about my New Year's resolution in an odd way. She said that most teenagers have posters up on their walls. Simple enough, right? Not that strange of a comment. I have never had posters on my walls and that is kind of weird. I decided then that I needed to get some.

In my search for good posters for my room, I came across the Dalai Lama's A to ZEN of Life. After reading the poster, I decided that I must have it. Each letter of the alphabet is represented by a saying such as "remember that silence is sometimes the best answer" and "stop procrastinating." There are twenty six of them (obviously) and I plan to focus on three of them a month. At the same time, I have a bunch of more physical goals that I plan to work on each month (i.e. going to the gym twice a week.)

My New Year's resolution could be considered one thing (becoming a healthier and happier person) or it could be split into well over 30. Still, I have broken it down into a calendar of goals, an idea that I stole from my friend Jocelyn.

Four days in and I can tell that it is going to be tough. I've been stuck in a not-so-great place for a while with no attempt to really change my thoughts or behavior. This is the year, though. It's time for me to be happy with who I am. For real. No doubt. No questions. No need for reassurance from others.

I've Learned Some Things

I literally just finished taking my last final for my Fall Semester classes. I have been putting off my Astronomy final for a week and today was the last day to take it. I'm actually quite pleased with my score. When compared with most of my grades this semester, a B does not really look fantastic, but I learned much more from that class than the six or seven phases the universe went through during the first few nanoseconds of its existence. That class taught me about myself more than anything else.

Coming into college in August, I did not believe a single word of what my mom and my various teachers in the past had told me about college being completely different. I truly did not think that I would have to work any harder than I did in high school (which was not hard at all.) It took a while for the realization to sink in that I would have to learn study skills and I would be challenged like I had not been in the past.

I still have not quite figured out the best way for me to study. I know that it is going to require more preparation than what I attempted to use this week for my finals. I know that it will mean that I have to force myself to prioritize better. I also know that I cannot work in a messy space, which means I am going to have to clean my bedroom more often.

In the mess that I created by not studying this semester, I may have lost my full-tuition scholarship. It is not something that I am proud of. In fact, I have spent a lot of time hating myself over it in the last couple weeks. I made a decision yesterday, though. If I do lose my scholarship, I am not going to keep beating myself up over it. I made some bad decisions this semester. Those decisions have created consequences that are probably going to affect me for a very long time. Continuing to be angry at myself over the situation will not help me do any better next semester, though. The most important thing is that I learned from the experience.

Anyway, my first semester at WSU has been a little crazy. Now I have three weeks off of school before I start an even heavier course load next semester. Plan to see me blogging a little bit more during that time. I definitely have some ideas floating around in my head that need to be recorded.

Public-Personal Diaries

So this is the last paper that I have to turn in for my English 2010 class. It's a research/analysis paper about why people blog... Somehow, it's turned out to have a slightly negative tone toward it. I obviously do not dislike blogging... I've kept this blog for five years now. I like blogging. Anyway, here it is. Read it or not. Feel free to let me know what you think if you read it, though.

Public-Personal Diaries

      People have kept personal journals in some form since the beginning of time. Some of the journals have even become an important part of history. Anne Frank’s journal that she kept during World War II while she was in hiding with her family is one of them. Still, most journals were not created with the intention of having the whole world read them. In the last fifteen years, however, the expanding popularity of blogging has placed the personal diary on display for the whole world to see.

     Su-Houn Liu, Hsiu-Li Liao and Yuan-Zeng, researchers at Chung Yuan Christian University, define blogging as “a Web site where journal entries are shown in reverse chronological order and usually provide access to their archives and a way to post comments” (Liu 232). Blogs are written with a large variety of purposes. Some blogs are a form of news while others act as a forum for communication. Even more blogs fit the description that Brian Williams made, “Diaries once sealed under lock and key are now called blogs and posted daily for all those who care to make the emotional investment” (Williams 449).

     Beginning in the late 1990s, the most common type of blog was used to express the American idea that “if it has to do with you, or your life, it’s important enough to tell someone” (Williams 449). As a society, we value ourselves and think that other people should also value the things that happen to us and what we have to say about these events. As a result of this narcissistic behavior, many blogs are created to share the content of a person’s life with whatever part of the world is willing to listen. The internet is such a large place that there is bound to be someone interested and if not then they will have a public place to say whatever they want without the real world consequences of it. Blog writers, or bloggers, can take their lives online and may receive comments or not depending on whether readers have anything to say. This may be why many even continue to write for long periods of time with no evidence of having any audience whatsoever. The act of blogging is like talking to yourself in a crowded room and hoping someone will overhear and find it interesting enough to respond.

     Heather Armstrong began her popular blog in February of 2001 without any expectation of having a large readership. “I launched dooce.com as a place to write about pop culture, music, and my life as a single woman. I never expected more than a couple of dozen people to read it” (Armstrong). Her topics ranged from things like Carnation milk to the men that she had dated. She was also living in Los Angeles and had a full time job. At the time, her blog was merely a hobby.
     Armstrong is one of many bloggers who began with the intention of just writing as something to do. Her blog was a place for her to write down what was going on in her life. Even though she was not expecting many people to read it, she was likely hoping to generate some sort of feedback. However, after blogging about some of the less pleasant aspects of her job, Armstrong was fired when someone anonymously emailed the Vice Presidents of the company. Later that same day she wrote a blog asking this question “At what point does my personal website, regardless of what I’ve published on the site affect my professional life?” (Armstrong)
     Now, ten years later, Armstrong and her family rely on her blog as their primary source of income. She has added marriage, children, and life as a professional blogger to her ever growing list of topics and has a much larger readership than before. Over the years, she has adapted her blog to the changing situations in her life.

     The NieNie Dialogues is another blog that was created with the intention of being a hobby for its writer, Stephanie Nielson. Her blog began ten years ago as a place for her to write about her life with her husband and daughter in Arizona. There was no greater purpose to her blog than having somewhere to show off pictures that she took and share moments of her life with whomever would read it.

     When Nielson and her husband were in a plane crash in August 2008, she was forced to stop writing. Over 80% of her skin was burned, and she was in a coma for three months. During the time that she was in the hospital, Nielson’s sister C-Jane (another well-known blogger) took over the blog. C-Jane updated readers on Nielson’s health and reposted older posts of Nielson’s that were indicated as favorites by her readers.

     In January of 2009 readers were shocked when Nielson came back saying “It’s true. I am alive.  I look different. I walk slow...and type slower.  But it’s good to be back!” (Nielson) Now Nielson is a well-known inspirational blogger, often writing things like “I guess that is why we live each day with faith so when and if something happens to us, we are prepared… It’s not easy, it’s actually a huge challenge… but it is possible and a much easier and happier way to live” (Nielson). Despite the fact that her blogs are filled with punctuation and grammatical errors, her fans continue to read her blog. They continue to read because they are interested in what she has to say.

     When bloggers continue to write over a long time period, it often becomes necessary for them to adapt to changes within their lives and their readership. The tone behind Nielson’s blogging changed significantly after her accident, becoming more inspirational and grateful for every single experience she has in her life. However, she also discusses the difficulties that arise from living with such a tragic injury.
     Armstrong adapted her blog when it became her job. She posts more blogs a day now than she did when she originally began writing. The posts are still short and easy to follow. They are still humorous much of the time and give her readers a sense of who she is. However, they are no longer purely a hobby. Armstrong posts to her blog because it is what keeps her and her family financially sound.
     It was when Armstrong began making an income from her blog and her audience increased that her purpose in blogging changed. In fact, Nardi et. al found in their research that “blogs create the audience, but the audience also creates the blog. This linkage happen[s] in a number of ways: friends urging friends to blog, readers letting bloggers know they were waiting for posts, bloggers crafting posts with their audience in mind, and bloggers continuing discussions with readers in other media outside of the blog” (Nardi 224 ). Not only did Armstrong have to adapt to the changes in her life, but she had to adapt to the popularity of her blog.  The audience that follows her blog no longer have to wait a week or more for her to post something new as they would have in the past. Armstrong is able to write or post pictures multiple times a day because it is her full time job. If she were to stop posting as, her readership would probably drop as they looked for blogs that suited their immediate interest.
     While Nielson and Armtrong’s blogs both have fairly large readerships, there are even more blogs that do not. In fact, according to Liu, Liao and Zeng, there were over 73 million blogs on the internet in 2006, a number that was growing at a rate of 175,000 blogs daily. Most of these blogs are written by people who have not had any extraordinary life event happen to generate readers. So why do these people continue to blog? According to Liu’s research “bloggers ranked pouring out feelings and connecting with people respectively, as their two most valued rewards” (Liu 234). Simply having a space to put their thoughts, emotions and daily experiences outweighs having someone comment on what they are saying.
     This idea that a person’s blog is their space in which they can keep any and every thought they want written down may be why more and more people blog every day. Blogs do not truly belong to the people who are writing them, though. In fact, as David Teten says, “most hosting companies, including blog hosting companies, also have terms of service that are more restrictive than free speech limits” (Teten 474). Bloggers can often find themselves in trouble, whether from the hosting websites or from their readers, when they write based on the idea that they can say whatever they want. What they probably do not consider is what would happen if their online secrets were to be discovered.
     As Armstrong demonstrated when she wrote about the company she was working for, bloggers can write about whatever they please but within limits and with possible consequences. Teten points out that “most hosting companies, including blog hosting companies, also have terms of service that are more restrictive than free speech limits, typically restricting hate speech and pornography” (Teten 474). The general idea here is that as long as bloggers are directly slandering anyone or graphically offending them, they are free to discuss whatever they want. This does not eliminate the real world consequences of their words, though.
     There is no guarantee that what is written on a blog will remain on a blog. Bloggers take a risk when they choose to post their personal lives to the internet. Just as bloggers often adapt their writing to the events that are occurring in their lives, sometimes they are forced to adjust their lives to the consequences of the things they have written when an unwanted audience reads them.
     No matter how anonymous blogs may seem, they really are public archives subject to a complicated web of bloggers and readers. “People typically [find] blogs through other blogs they [are] reading, through friends or colleagues telling them about their blogs or those of others or through inclusion of the blog URL in an instant message profile or a homepage” (Nardi 224). The results of this constant sharing are large blogging communities of bloggers and readers who have similar interests. If a blogger is followed by someone they know offline, then it would not be difficult for others in their lives to hear of the blog and to see what is written on it. The consequences of someone offline discovering online secrets are not often at the forefront of a blogger’s mind when they are writing. They are simply putting their lives out there for others to see, whether they meant to or not.
     In a society as individualistic as ours, it is no surprise that people want everyone around them to care about what is going on in their lives. Blogs provide people with a place to write or post anything that they want in a way that anyone in the world who is interested can see it. While blogging often begins as a hobby, many long-time bloggers find that their blogs adapt into something more specific, like the inspirational words offered by Stephanie Nielson or the humorous commentary that is found on dooce.com. Still others continue to blog for the simple value of having somewhere to put their emotions and to write about their lives. These public, personal diaries are often created with a single purpose but usually end up being something quite different for each person who writes one. Bloggers are forced to adapt to change just as all other people in the world are forced to adapt to their environment and the other people around them.