The One With Many Names

I have been writing this blog over a period of about six years. I have changed the layout many times. However, I have used two titles for it. The first, Purple Orange Chocolate, was a silly inside joke between two fifteen year old girls who used to spend way to much time hanging out at their school (that story involves pocket dictionaries and the word 'chowder-head' and I really don't think anyone other than mL and I would have ever found it interesting.) The Aspiring Writer was my second title and was supposed to create a transition between the junior high girl who started this blog as a class project and the high schooler who continued it because she wanted an archive of her life.

It seems fitting that I would change the title of this blog once more now, as I'm beginning to figure out my place in this crazy adult world. I'm stumbling around trying to figure out what I want to be doing and who I want to be doing it. Unlike in high school, the various roles that I play in my life no longer seem to define me. Instead, I feel that I am finally comfortable with being seen as I really am in every situation I am put in to. I no longer have the need or the desire to put on an act for my family, friends, or coworkers. If the people in my life do not like the way that I am they will have to learn to tolerate it because I will not allow others to mold my personality anymore.

It's strange that this new confidence should surface within me while I'm going through the biggest transition of my life up to this point. With my move into my increasingly independent adult life, I have been transitioning into being a new person. Just like this blog, I have given myself a new title as well (or decided to go by a different one, at least.) While I continue to be referred to by my old name at home and with old friends. Catherine, shortened to Cat by my friends and coworkers, is the name that most people will know me by as I meet new people for the rest of my life. My family and oldest friends, though, will always know me as Madison or Madi or Mac or any other variation they have come up with over the years.

What the last year or so has taught me, however, is that my title, my name, does not define me in any way. Whether I am being called by Cat or Madi or Shasta (more inside jokes that have probably been long forgotten by everyone else,) I am still the same person.

So the new title of this blog is The One with Many Names.

And after all,

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

This week has been a long and introspective week. Mom, Bill, Abby and Linzie were in Hawaii and Carley, Emily and I were left with the house to ourselves. This trip had been in the works for nearly a year. The whole time, Carley and I had planned on having a party and enjoying the chance to have people over when we wanted without having to worry about other people's schedules. I don't think that we expected to be nearly as busy as we both currently are in our own lives.

All of that basically means that I spent a lot of time alone this week. I had a lot of time to think. That thinking led to some thoughts that put in a not so great mood. I was left feeling incredibly lonely and purposeless. It was not really a great week for me.

But as with everything else in my life, I talked to my mom about it and she gave me some really great thoughts to add to my pile. I may feel purposeless, but I'm not. Everything I'm doing right now is preparing me for my future. I'm gaining experiences that will help me in my career. One day, when I have a client who is struggling to find some purpose or meaning in their lives, I will know how they feel because I will be able to draw on my own experiences.

And whose to say I don't have a purpose? Sometimes I forget that Zupas is not Boondocks. At Zupas I am respected and my ideas are actually considered when making decisions. I have the ability to make a difference there. I can help the people that I am in charge of because they actually listen to me. It's actually surprising how many of them come to me for advice. I'm nobody. I have had three jobs in my life. All of which have been in the food industry. I'm only 20. There are people I work with who have far more experience than me. Yet, they come to me. And that must mean that I'm doing something right. That right there is a purpose. Plus, it's even more experience that will help me in the future.

So I managed to upset myself this week with unproductive thoughts... And then I pulled myself out of it with a little help from awesome people who put up with me when I'm being ridiculous. :)

Transitions

As 2012 came to an end and we moved into the new year, I found myself thinking a lot about what I would start off my year blogging about. I've written a couple of drafts that discuss all of the things that the year taught me and all of the ways that my life changed. Those things are important and they're true... But I feel like I have already said so much about all of that. Those are the things that I write about all of the time. I am a person who is perpetually looking behind her and into the past. Why is that?

All I know is that sometime during the last year I have found myself struggling to move into a future that is really, really undefined. I have given myself the idea that what I am doing is progressing, but I'm not really. I have hopes, dreams, and ideas that create the illusion of progress... But am I really doing anything differently?

I go to school. I go to work. I sometimes clean my bedroom. Every once in a while a friend will reveal themselves from the woodwork and I'll spend a couple of days socializing. There is absolutely no difference between my actions now and my actions in high school. My mind is different. My outlook on life is different. My actions are the same. How is that progress?

I feel like I'm so stuck in this pattern. I think I may have reached a limit as far as progress is concerned with my life as it is now. I need to put myself in a new situation somehow. I need to remove myself from the old patterns that I have found myself in and find some room to grow. I just... Have no idea where to start.

So my New Year's Resolution this year is less about changing myself and more about putting myself out into the world more. I want to move out of my house and reach the independence that doing so will allow me. I want to pay off my car so that I can put even more money away for my future. I want to meet new people and forge new relationships. I feel like 2012 was all about changing the way I saw myself and the rest of the world. 2013 is going to be the next phase. I'll get there eventually, right?

7 Years

A wise friend sent me a message today containing all of the profound things that she knows now that she has been twenty and not a teenager for almost a week. The message read:

I am comfortable with being myself. Every interaction can be meaningful. Bad things happen to good people, so be the person that can bounce back. You can be smart and happy or stupid and miserable. If you don't want to do something, say no. If you do want to do something, work to make it happen. Chance is risky. Karma is inescapable. Tell the people you love that you love them. Prove it.

As I was reading this, I could not help but think to myself that this was incredible. To see all of these seemingly simple ideas that I have struggled with for such a long time and am just now beginning to figure out expressed by someone who had a huge impact on who I am now... It's kind of indescribable.

I mean, this girl and I went through so much together. We struggled with finding out who we really were and who we wanted to be. We shared our biggest thoughts and inspirations with each other. When we just needed someone to share our incredibly conflicting ideas about the universe with we went to each other. We experienced loss and triumph. We learned that even the best of friends can not help but disagree sometimes. From our friendship, I eventually learned that if someone is really important to you they will always be a part of your life. No matter the distance or the time spread between you.

I just find it incredibly crazy to see how far we have both come in the seven years since we met. Seven. Years. And we somehow made it out of those years being confident in ourselves and in our lives. There were times when we both struggled with different things and there were times when I, at least, tried to make myself believe things that I just did not feel were true. While we may be such incredibly different people now that our paths only cross once a month or so, I am so proud of how things have turned out for us and I would not change a thing.

Because that is important. Not to regret the experiences that made you who you are. Even the biggest mistakes can be learned from. And those lessons are incredibly valuable. The friendships that we lose or set aside, the chances we miss out on, the damage we inevitably cause, can all be worth it if we learn from them and if we realize the value that they have within our lives.

Thanks for getting my brain moving, Kara. It's been a while.

Someone to Listen

If I were to say that I have a lot going on in my life in this moment and that a lot of things are changing for me... Well that might just be an understatement. Changing might not be the right word for it, though. It's more that my life is progressing. Every day I learn more and more about the person I ideally want to be, the person I am now, and the person I will eventually become.

My day today went something like this: I woke up early, I stayed in bed convincing myself that I could put off getting ready for another hour, I went to school where I discussed the very real possibilities for my future career, I came home to an empty house and made myself lunch, got ready for work, and then spent the next seven hours at Zupas, serving customers and training for my new position.

All in all, this day does not sound that much different from the days I had a year ago. If you look simply at the routine, it might be considered exactly the same as last year, the same as Boondocks. A day full of classes and work and coworkers. The reality of it all, though, is so different. I don't really know if I have really made my situation better for myself, or if I have really just changed myself and my perspective on life. Either way, I am really glad to be where I am right now.

Still, I came home from work tonight, my first official night training to be a shift lead at work, to find that every car was in the driveway. That alone was awesome because it meant that every person in my family was home. The idea is really exciting because my family does not get to spend much time together these days. We are all moving into our own lives and we have crazy schedules. So coming home to see that every car was in the driveway was good. Tuesday nights usually mean coming home and spending some time with my parents, talking to my sisters as they trickle home from work and other activities. Usually Tuesday nights are one of the best parts of my week. Tonight I came in to the house to find the everybody was home, but everyone was already in bed.

I am left feeling like so much has happened today and I just want to talk to someone about it. I mean, there is so much happening in my life. I have discovered what I want to do and I am talking to people about how to make that happen. Three years from now I could be mere weeks away from completing my masters degree. I could be nearly into a career doing counseling and I am so excited for that. Closer than that, though, is my promotion that I began training for tonight.

My boss showed me so many different things that I have to be able to remember tonight. I already feel like everything is just pouring out of my brain by the moment. I went into this really confidently. I thought my experience from the last seven months was enough to make this training really easy for me. There is just so much to remember, though. There are so many different buttons to push and things to count. I can handle the actual leading of the shift. I know how to work with employees. Working with money and orders and drawers is different, though. That has nothing to do with people. Nothing to do with the things that I am good at. I will understand it all eventually... But tonight... There was just so much to learn.

Tonight I just wanted to tell all of that to someone. I just wanted to share my excitement for my future and my anxieties about my job. I just wanted to tell someone about it.

So instead I am writing it on my blog. Because over the past five years, when there has not been anyone to listen to me when I wanted to talk this blog has been where I go.

Today was awesome. I am so excited for my future. I actually enjoy my job. I have some of the best friends on the planet and my relationships with my family have never been stronger. That's a lot, isn't it? Can you blame me for wanting someone to talk to about all of that?

I so love my life.

Falling into Place

Last November I was a very confused person. While I cannot really say that my first semester of college was unkind to me, it certainly was not easy. I did not know how to fit in to my new adult world and I really was not trying that hard to figure it out. I spent a lot of time focusing on everything that I did not like and blaming other people and things instead of trying to fix anything. I was unhappy. I did not really talk to anyone. I had no idea what I wanted in the future.

It is truly odd how much difference a year can make. I am suddenly watching all of the pieces of my life fall into place and I know what I want. I have a job that I am happy in and I am doing well in school. Next semester I will be applying  to the Social Work program at Weber State. Two years after that I will have finished my Bachelors degree. It will only take a year after that for me to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I will move out at some point between now and then. I will get a job doing something that I love and my life will actually begin to take shape. 

I know for certain that the path I have recently started down is right for me. I find myself getting excited about being out on my own and in a career. I can see where my uncertainty in the past has slowed me down... And yet I am still where I need to be. 

At 5 this morning, I registered for classes for next semester. I am taking four classes. Two online and two at night in order to accommodate my crazy schedule at work (because I am being promoted to manager.) For the first time since 7th grade, I have to take an art class. It is the last of my gen ed requirements. I have purposefully put it off for the past year and a half. I also have to take Human Biology. That class is probably going to really be a struggle for me. Especially since I am taking it online. However, hopefully Kara will be able to help me out. It is a requirement for the Social Work program, so I will definitely need to do well. My other two classes are the first that I will take within the Social Work program. The first is a statistics class that I have absolutely no clue about. The second is a Human Behavior class that I am excited about because one of my favorite professors is teaching it. All in all, next semester really is going to be really great. 

It is all such a change from where I was at a year ago and I just really cannot wait to see what the future has in store for me.

November = NaNoWriMo

November is Nation Novel Writing Month (also known as NaNoWriMo.) I've been participating for years now, ever since my older sister, Wendy, told me about it. The goal is to write a 50k word novel in 30 days. I have never managed to write more than 20k. However, I always have so much fun. Last year, NaNo was the only time where I actually sat down to write. I had a lot more time for these things in high school. I was working a lot less. I didn't really hang out with friends as much. I was taking classes that required me to write. These days I don't really do any creative writing.

There are a couple problems with this year's NaNo, though. First of all, I have a paper due five days into November. A fairly large paper. Second of all, the semester wraps up not that long after the end of the month. That means that I will have a lot of assignments due toward the end. I also have no idea what I'm going to be writing about. I've had a few more ideas, but nothing definite yet.

So I've adjusted my goal. Do I think I'll be able to write 50k words this month? Probably not. Do I think that I can start a project that will be 50k words by the end of December? Well, it's much more likely.

Introduction to Social Work: a Window into a Possible Future

My Introduction to Social Work class is by far one of the most interesting classes I have taken in my short college career. I registered for this class with the idea that it might help me decide if Social Work is a field that I may want to go into (hardly knowing much about it at all from the get-go.) I'm three weeks into the semester and I can already tell you that I absolutely love the class. I love the material and I love the discussions. There is such a wide variety of students of all ages, with all kinds of history, experiences, and backgrounds. It seems as if there is somebody who has personal experience with every issue that has come up so far. Everything from trouble with parents to drug and alcohol abuse to disease to poverty has been covered and expanded upon by someone who has faced it head on in their life. The class has been such an interesting look at people and the struggles they face. It's exactly the kind of thing that has always interested me most.

Still, the big question that I am trying to answer this semester remains. Is this something that I could see as a career? I learned in class, recently, that it is possible to become a therapist with a Master's degree in Social Work. That is something that I have always thought would be incredibly interesting. The problem I've had with it in the past is that I had been led to believe that you had to have a PhD in Psychology to be able to go into that career field and I really just do not want to be in school for that long. A Master's degree, though? I think I can handle the five total years of schooling required to earn an MSW. I'm already a year down. To think that four years from now I could be going out into the field doing something that I have always imagined myself doing is kind of incredible to me. Three years from now I could have a BSW and be working in a place where I could be truly helping people. The idea is such a dream to me.

Does the fact that this inspires me so much mean that it will be a better fit for me than teaching would? I can seriously imagine myself living in an apartment, working in the social work field wherever I can with my BSW while working on my MSW with the ultimate goal of becoming a therapist somewhere down the line. It seems like a life that I would really, really love and something that I could really want. I've always had reservations about going into teaching. Would I really like it? Do I only really think teaching would be a good fit for me because school is really all I've ever known? Can I seriously teach English with the amount of time I've spent avoiding reading in school? My biggest concerns with Social Work so far have been whether or not I can find a job where I'll actually make money and if I'll become as burned out with it as the people that I have read about online are.

I've had this conversation with my mom a lot lately. She keeps saying to my sisters and I that we can't let our futures become focused on how much money we're going to make. I've been all over the place lately with things that I could possibly end up going into as a career. Conversations at work and with my friends always end up on the subject of how we're going to get out of our current jobs and into careers where we'll really start making money. If I go into the medical field or even accounting, I could definitely end up making more money than I ever would if I go into either teaching or social work. In fact, living in Utah means that I will probably always make less as a teacher and a social worker than I would in other areas of the US. Should that matter? If I take my mom's advice than the answer is certainly that it shouldn't matter if either of those things are something that I would truly enjoy doing. Plus, it's not like I would be out on the streets in either career. The average salary for them both is enough and certainly more than I would make if I were to leave school completely (which isn't even a thought, I'm just putting it out there as perspective.)

In an ideal world, someone would come up to me and say "You need to be this. Here's how you do it. Now go." As it is, I'm stuck trying to figure out for myself where I will fit in the world. Sometimes I feel like I hardly know myself at all. It's like looking at a complete stranger an trying to tell them what to do and where to live and how to feel. Maybe what I truly need to do is just stop over thinking everything. I love my Social Work class. I love psychology and meeting new people and helping them in whatever ways that I can. I have always thought that I would be able to truly help people as a therapist. Why should all of these other thoughts come in and jumble everything up?

BSW? BA? MSW? Too Many Possibilities.

Five years ago, I began this blog because it was a requirement for my ninth grade Honors English class. I had tried to blog in the past, but nothing had ever come of it. After that year, though, blogging became a habit for me. It was a chore at first. I never could come up with anything to write about and often wrote about that until I rambled myself into a topic. As time has passed, though, I've found that this blog has been more of a tool to help me regroup and focus my thoughts. My topics tend to be very similar and I tend to only write once or twice a month. Still, I have accumulated five whole years worth of thoughts and growth onto this blog.

I turn here whenever I have something big on my mind. Sometimes I end up writing about that something and sometimes I don't. Usually I don't. Still, my purpose is to regroup. Focus. Writing helps me do that. As I was once taught, "writing is thinking."

So lately I've been stuck on quite the dilemma. What do I want to do with my life? I am a Sophomore at WSU and I have almost completed my generals. Soon I will need to start working on my degree. But what is it that will truly make me happy? There are two major options weighing on my mind. I think I would enjoy both of them with relative success, I believe. Which would I be happier with, though? That is the true question.

Since about the same time that I started writing this blog, I became convinced that teaching English was something that I might want to do with my life. I love grammar and writing. An afternoon spent reading with a warm blanket on the sofa is my favorite way to relax. Would I be a decent teacher, though? Would I be happy trying to teach a subject as difficult as English to students who probably don't care to learn it? Or would I be better off working with a different set of interests? Say psychology?

When I was a junior at Layton High School, I passed my AP Psychology exam with a 5, the best scored I received in three years. I've always been a person intensely interested in people and their relationships with each other. I am an avid people-watcher. All of that combined with the fact that I just learned that it is not necessary to have a PhD in order to go into therapy creates a whole new level of questions for me. Would I like being a therapist? Are there jobs out there for it? Would I prefer it to teaching?

Really, I have a lot of things to consider here. I keep going back and forth between the two and their pros and cons. I still have absolutely no idea what I want to move forward with. Hopefully I'll be able to figure it out soon, though.

An Unforgettable Night

But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With Grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

- "After the Storm" by Mumford & Sons

I'm sharing these lyrics tonight largely because I just got back from seeing M&S in concert. However, I have loved these lyrics since I first heard them (less than six months ago.) They mean a lot to me because I have had some moments in my life where I just felt like there was no way and no reason for me to get through all the rough patches. These lyrics are hope. They are the light at the end of the tunnel. These lyrics are what I wish I could tell my fourteen and fifteen and sixteen year old self because I think they hold a powerful lesson. Not that I would have listened, but still.

I plan to write a very lengthy and detailed post about my first concert at some point tomorrow. It is an experience that I need on paper or online for the rest of my life. It is almost 2 AM, though, and I just got home. So for tonight, I am going to bed.

I leave you with a few lines from my favorite song (which I screamed the entirety of at the top of my lungs:)

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,

But you say that's exactly how this Grace thing works.

It's not the long walk home that will change this heart,

But the welcome I receive with the restart.

- "Roll Away Your Stone" by Mumford & Sons

My Sisters Are the Best

A month without writing anything and then two posts in as many days... That is so me.

I just barely got home from some time at my grandma's house. My mom decided that we needed to take some of the humongous zucchini from her garden over to them so that they could also enjoy the deliciousness. The awesome thing about evenings at my grandma's house (other than spending much enjoyed time with them) is that the drive home often inspires some great thoughts. I think it has something to do with the open farm land that goes on almost forever. Just at the horizon there is this great line of city lights that goes across the valley. It is so, so beautiful.

Tonight I found myself thinking about the fact that my baby sisters start high school in less than a month. It still seems so strange for me, sometimes, to think that I actually made it out of high school. That period of my life seemed so vast and insurmountable at the time. I was such a different person from the time I entered that school to the time I left it. Honestly, 95% of the things I learned were not part of the curriculum. Those three years were such an awkward time for me. I was constantly trying to change myself and make myself into these different ideas of who I should be. I think I came out an even better version of myself than I could have ever imagined. The friendships that endured are ones that I don't think I ever would have guessed at first either.

I'm excited for Abby and Linzie. At the beginning of September they will be starting on an awesome journey and I have a feeling that they are going to be so much more successful at it than I was. I am so incredibly proud of those two. Seriously. I look up to my littlest sisters so much. They are so organized and determined and they have their priorities straight in a way that I never did in high school and I still struggle with now. They won't learn as many things as I did the hard way. I think they'll make great friends from the beginning and I'm sure there will be some drama, but I know they'll handle it well.

Basically, my baby sisters are growing up and that's so weird to me because I already consider them as successful young adults because that's how they act. They constantly amaze me and are my heroes.

Seriously.

<3

(PS My little sister, Ashley, started her senior year of high school today. I can't believe we're all getting so old!)

Update

So it's been a while. I've been really busy... But I can't really say that a lot has happened. Mostly I spend a lot of time working and whatever time I have left is spent with my family and friends. There have been a couple of things worth mentioning, however.

Last weekend, Ian and I decided that we wanted to spend our Sunday off with a road trip to Bear Lake. I made Abby and Linzie tag along with us because I thought it would be fun for them to get away from the house for a while. It was an awesome day. We sang and talked for the drive and when we got there we had pizza and raspberry milkshakes. It was a lot of fun. Plus, it was a seriously gorgeous day.

We then spent the whole night playing a game of Monopoly. Which I lost. Barely. The whole day was great. The most fun I've had all summer.

I only have just over two weeks left until classes start back up again, but before that I have one last big summer even to look forward to. Ten days from now I am going to my first concert ever. I am so excited. The funny thing is that I didn't even like Mumford & Sons until about a month and a half ago. It's going to be great, though. I seriously cannot wait.

I also just finished reading The Land of Stories by Chris Colfer. It was a great book written toward kids... But I think a lot of the awesome parts of the story would go right over most kids' heads. I loved it, though. I'm going to start reading the Hobbit today. I am determined to finish it before the movie comes out in December. I know it's not that long, but with school starting I'll be having a loss less time to do things.

Anyway, that's my life right now. I'm absolutely loving every minute of it.

Someone Out There Is Probably Thinking About You

As is probably evident from my recent entries, I have had a lot of reasons to think about friends lately. Today, I hung out with one of the people who used to be a frequent topic of this blog. Tori leaves for the Navy on Monday and even though we haven't hung out in months, I was determined to see her one more time before she leaves. The thing is, it doesn't matter how long we go without talking. I will always care about her and I will always be interested in how her life is going. She is one of those people who have come into my life and left an impression so crucial that there is no way that I will ever forget about her. Of the thousands of people I have met in my lifetime, only a handful of them have left that kind of mark. Most of them have been written about here. Some have not.

When I find myself thinking about old friends, there's always this feeling of longing in my chest. It doesn't matter that most of my 'old' friends are that way for a reason. I always miss something about our friendship. Take Morgan, for example. I believe I've written about her in the past but if not she was my very best friend in seventh grade and partially through eighth. We still talked and hung out in ninth grade but we just weren't as close. There are many things that I miss about my friendship with Morgan. One of which is how we wrote stories together. We also spent a lot of time watching youtube videos and locking sims in burning buildings. In two and a half years of close friendship, I think we only ever had one argument. For me in junior high, that was quite an accomplishment.

One of my old friends is getting married toward the end of this month. Clair and I have known each other since junior high as well, but our friendship always happened in spurts. We'd talk for a couple weeks and then we wouldn't think about each other for a couple of months. One of the girls going to her wedding was also one of my very close friends in junior high. I think I hung out with Carrine as much as I did because I wanted to be as much of a girly girl as she was. I wanted to wear make up and get my nails done and dye my hair. Plus, she introduced me to myspace and energy drinks. She moved in eighth grade and I haven't seen her in years. It will be interesting to see if/how any interaction with her will go down at Clair's wedding.

Ian and I often end up talking about people that we knew in junior high. The thing is, in the community we live in it is inevitable that we will run into those people  for the rest of our lives if we stay here. I think that's a good thing, because I will always care for them a little bit. As awesome as facebook is, a random wall post is never as fun as running into your old best friend at the store and having an impromptu catch up session. Yes, there are people that I wish I wouldn't ever have to run into but the awesome thing about growing up is that we learn to ignore those people and they ignore us in return.

The friends that I think it will be far more difficult to remain in contact with are the ones who were my teachers first. There are two, really, that I have learned to consider as much more than my teachers. Mr. T, whose class required me to begin writing in a blog once a week five years ago, served as a mentor and someone for me to talk to all the way through high school. I haven't spoken to him in a while, but I know that I'll find my way back into his classroom at some point this fall. It always happens. I'll always be curious to see how he is doing.

Miss Merrell is also someone that I hope I will remain in contact with for a long time. She helped me through a lot of difficult things during my senior year and I absolutely love that whenever I visit her our conversations drag on for hours. However, she does not have a facebook like Mr. T and does not really respond to emails very often. Still, I plan to continue bugging her from time to time. She was the best teacher I had in high school and definitely one of the best that I've ever had... But she is much more than that. She is definitely someone that I would consider a friend. As I'm sure many of her students do.

So... I don't know. Here are my thoughts on a few people that I haven't mentioned in a while (or ever.) I wonder if they would find it strange to know that I was thinking about them tonight. I'm sure some of them would be because we haven't spoken in so long. I think others would just be happy about it. I'm not sure. Either way, four of them have knowledge of this blog's existence. So hello, if any of you happen to read this. :)

Update

I don't even know if anyone keeps up with this blog anymore, but if you do you've probably noticed that my posts have been few and far between lately. I'm not going to say that I don't have time because I could make time if I really had something I needed to say. However, I've been much to busy living my life lately to spend hours online writing about it. I think I spent last year waiting for something to happen that would bring me out of the funk that I had been in since about half way through senior year. I didn't really realize that I would have to be the one to make something happen and move my life onto a more positive path. I didn't realize that, and yet I made the move eventually anyway.

I have never been an extremely social person. All my life, if I needed someone to hang out with or someone to talk to, I always had my gaggle of sisters to turn to. I wanted friends, but I wasn't really sure how to make them. Until recently, the last time I made a friend on my own and not through mutual friends was in 7th grade.  Like I said, I'm not a social person. If you put me in a room with a ton of strangers, I'm not likely to strike up conversation. It takes a lot of effort for me to be that outgoing, but it's something that I've always thought I needed to work. So when I started at Zupas, I was absolutely determined to make some friends there. I just started talking. I tried to get to know everyone. At first, I thought that we would all make one very awesome, large group of friends. As we've all gotten to know each other more, though, we've formed our own groups and pairs.

It's been really interesting to see these groups evolve. My own group started out being fairly large and has narrowed itself down to three people (one of which doesn't work at Zupas.) The first time we got a group of us together after work was super awkward and the most fun I have had in months. We laughed our heads off at absolutely nothing and people who saw us probably thought we had been friends for a very long time instead of being coworkers who had only known each other for two weeks. After that, certain people seemed to get weeded out of the group. The process continued until it ended up just being me, Megan, and Ian. I love when you meet new people and they just absolutely click with you.

Anyway, Megan and Ian are the type of friends that I always wanted in high school (which is slightly ironic, considering Ian and I were friends in high school.) We make plans all the time. We can sit talking to each other until three in the morning. We talk about the tv shows and music we like as well as the bigger, more important things in our lives. I can truly be myself with them in a way that I couldn't be with any of my friends in the past.

And I'm writing all of this because I've been confined to my couch for the past few days. See, I've had a couple of lumps on my left foot for years. I haven't really paid attention to them, but ever since I've been working more the lumps have been getting larger and have been hurting more. My mom has been telling me to get them looked at for such a long time and finally convinced me two weeks ago. I went to the doctor and was referred to a podiatrist. I had my mom come with me because I have been to the doctor exactly two times in the past fifteen years before this month. I was nervous, but Carley came as well and kept me distracted. The podiatrist said that it was most likely two different cysts that they could remove with two small incisions.

I had the surgery on Tuesday. I was ridiculously nervous. I've never even had an iv before, let alone a surgery. It was all a lot simpler than I thought it would be, though. The nurse got the iv in easily, the anesthesiologist brought me back to the OR and then they hooked me up to monitors and got the medicine started. I vaguely remember them putting the anesthetic into my foot. I remember that hurt, but I don't remember the pain. One minute I was listening to the beeping of the monitors and the next moment they were waking me up, telling me I was done. I remember saying "Seriously?" because I couldn't believe it was already over. The doctor told my mom that I was smiling and had everyone laughing when I woke up, though, so something more must have happened.

The doctor also told my mom that it was worse than they thought. Instead of being two cysts, there was only one large cyst that was attached to my tendons. They tried to get to the source, but it is likely that it will come back. Anyway, instead of two small incisions, I have one 3 1/2 inch incision on my foot. I'm not supposed to be walking on it and I am therefore stuck on the couch. A while ago, I would have loved the idea of not having to do anything or go to work or get off of the couch at all. Now, though, it is driving me nuts to just sit here. I want to hang out with my friends and see my work peeps and play cards with my sisters at the kitchen table. So it's driving me nuts to sit here, but that's ok. Soon enough I will be out and about once again. :D

Ramblings...

I know I write about change a lot, but lately I've been amazed at how much can change in such a short period of time. Change can be started by the most simple of things: a phone call about a job interview, a Facebook message sent in the early hours of the morning, or even an interjection into a conversation that you weren't actually part of. Those things happen all of the time. I send messages on Facebook almost daily and I'm always talking to people (whether or not I was part of the conversation to begin with.) What has really caused so much to change is the fact that I've wanted this change and I have actively taken part in making myself a happier and more positive person. With that, I've found that I have more friends and more opportunities. 

A year ago I was a new high school graduate with plans and ideas about my future but no real friends. I thought I knew who I was... but it turned out that I had tried to force myself into being something that was not quite natural for me. I can't really say that I have it all figured out now, but I have a better idea. My first year of college taught me a lot about the things that I don't want to be doing for the rest of my life and the things that I do still enjoy but cannot see myself making a career out of. I met all kinds of people but was not quite ready to come out of my shell enough to be friends with most of them. I watched. I listened. I came out of it as a person who could accept that I don't really know where my path is going to take me yet. I know now that there is still so much more about myself that I need to learn. I also know that in order to learn more about myself, I need to be more open to doling things that I wouldn't normally do. 

This was going to be a blog about my sister's graduation party last night as well as the two people who have become my best friends over the last couple of weeks... I don't know what happened to that. Maybe after I get back from camping with Ian and Megan next week. :P In the meantime, I hope anyone who reads this is enjoying life as much as I am these days.

True Happiness

I just wanted to write a quick update since it's been over a month since I was last on here. In that time, I've gotten a new job, quit my old job, reconnected with my best friend, stopped trying so hard to connect with another friend, gained so many new friends, and become a much happier person because of all of that. Everything just seems to be going my way right now and I absolutely love it.

The greatest part of it all? Being happy has helped me fix my relationship with one of my favorite people on the planet. I think back on all of the ways that I blamed her for our problems and I realize that my attitude really had such a huge part in it. We are so much closer these days and I love love love that we are spending time together.

Really, I don't think my life could get much better than this.

I Have Really Bad Luck

Cars are important. Without cars, many of us would not be able to get to work or school. We would not be able to visit family or friends. We would find it a lot more difficult to go to the store. For me, having a car has always been a huge part of my independence. I remember being in junior high and having to ask my mom for a ride home from my various activities every single day. Considering my mom was always around at the time, I didn't consider this a huge deal. In fact, I definitely took her for granted on that front. The second that the idea of me being able to drive became a reality, though, it became something that was absolutely necessary.

I have only actually had my license for a little under three years. My mom didn't want us starting to drive in the middle of the winter, so Carley and I didn't get our licenses until about six months after our sixteenth birthday (a number that seemed so much larger back then.) We each actually got cars a few months before we had our licenses, though. My parents bought three: a Toyota Camry for Carley, a Toyota Celica for me, and a Honda Civic for Emily. The thing about the Celica was that it was a project for Bill. It needed a LOT of work. In the mean time, since Emily wasn't going to have her license for over a year, I was to drive the Civic. It was a cute little car and I absolutely loved it. I made mix cds to listen to while I drove to school and to work. I showed it off to my friends. I came up with any excuse possible to go somewhere, anywhere, on my own.

All of this happened in a week.

Because exactly a week to the hour after I received my driver's license, this happened:

It was probably the scariest moment of my life and I've learned more from it than anything else that has ever happened to me. In fact, I learn more things about myself and about life from that accident all the time. Every time I remember what happened I realize something that I was blind to in the past. That's simply part of growing up, I'm sure, but it just proves that even the lowest moments in our lives can become events that we are at least slightly grateful for. I'm glad I had the chance to learn the things that being in a car accident and its aftermath taught me. I'm glad that I continue to learn from it. I'm glad that it will probably always still have things to teach me.

So that is what happened to my first car (even though it wasn't really mine.)

After that, I went about a year without having a vehicle. Since I had wrecked the Civic, the Celica would go to Emily and I would have to find a way to pay for my own insurance. I can't say that I was a very pleasant person to be around back then. I spent a lot of time complaining about how I wasn't doing anything with my life while doing absolutely nothing to fix that. Eventually my dad gave me this car that had been a part of the family for quite a long time (this is the only picture I have of it):

For a long time, all the van did was sit on the street outside of our house. I did manage to get hired by Boondocks eventually, though. Having money meant that I could finally afford insurance and gas and everything else that went with having my own transportation. The van was a great vehicle for me for about six months. Once winter hit, though, it proved to not be such a great car. It turned out that whenever it snowed, water or something would get up into the car and the belt would slip off, leaving me without power steering and overheating the engine. After one too many times of me ending up home in tears (I was incredibly lucky that I was on my way home and fairly close every time it happened), my parents decided that the van was not a safe car for me and we sold it. 

I didn't go nearly as long without a vehicle this time. About a month after we sold the van, Bill found the Maxima for me. It was a great little car that was fairly cheap compared to others that we had been looking at. It required a bit of work before I could register and drive it. I wasn't sure about it at first, but once I began driving it, I fell in love with that little car. In fact, I've practically lived out of that thing for the last year. 

I was driving home a couple of weeks ago, stopped at a stop sign and about to cross a busy intersection when there was a loud thunk. I tried to keep going regardless, but the maxima wouldn't move. It was like I had put the car in neutral. In the end, I had to call my grandma to pick me up and a guy helped me push the car into a parking lot while I waited for her. Bill took it in to see if there was any way it would be worth it to get it fixed, but I had already figured that I would need a new car. At least while I was in between vehicles this time I would still have a way to get around. I've been borrowing Bill's truck for a couple of weeks now.

This is where I interject with just how much I appreciate everything that my parents do for me. Every single time I have issues with a car, my mom and Bill jump in and help me out. I admit that I haven't always been as appreciative about it as I should be. Still, my parents continue to support me through every single vehicle problem I have (as well as every other challenge in my life.) They are awesome. In fact, they are buying this car for me and letting me make payments to them instead of getting a loan or waiting to save up money for it:

They say it looks like me and they think I will love it. I was a little nervous about it at first, but I trust my parents completely and told them that I would be comfortable with whatever car Bill thought would be best. Honestly, every day I think about it I get a little bit more excited. It's a cute car, is it not? And I have always wanted a jeep. Even if this isn't necessarily what I was thinking at the time. I just can't wait to have a car that is mine again.

Hopefully I'll have better luck with this one.

So This is What Happiness Feels Like

In the late summer of 2010, I was desperate to get a job. So desperate that in my flurry of applications and complaints about nothing happening, I ended up with two jobs. The first was just a summer gig; watching my cousin, Jack, who was three at time. My afternoons were spent watching Backyardigans and corralling my favorite little boy on the planet. Not long after I started that job, I was contacted about Boondocks. Before I knew what had happened, I had been hired. That was the beginning of journey.

For the rest of the summer, I was so busy training and working that I didn't babysit Jack as often. At first I was awkward and quiet around the kitchen. Now, just short of two years later, so much has changed. I am the one that is working in that having fun and goofing off when we're slow and I am the one that the newer people look to when we're busy. My confidence is not always strong, but I do feel a lot better about running that place than I ever would have that first summer. However, as things always seem to go in my life, just as I am getting really comfortable with my situation, things are moving again.

Looking back at this blog that I wrote in my first month at Boondocks, the words seem familiar. It's like a very good friend wrote them. I understand what they're saying and I remember being there. Still, I find myself laughing at everything I thought I knew back then versus everything that I know that I don't know now. The girl who wrote those words and the girl who is writing these right now are two very different people of similar backgrounds. Their values, their beliefs, their priorities... Everything is different. There is one difference that definitely stands out, though.

This girl. Right here, right now. She's happy.

It took today, my last leadership meeting at Boondocks, for me to realize just how... not me I've been for a long time. I was sitting at that table, looking around at the people who I've been working with for quite a while and saw what my mom has been telling me for months. Those people aren't good for me. No matter how much I have loved working at Boondocks at moments in the past, what I have ahead of me is so much better.

Last Tuesday, I received a call on my way to school. When I listened to the voice mail asking me to schedule an interview with Cafe Zupas I literally screamed. It's a good thing I was still in my car. I immediately called the guy back, but it wasn't until two days and five calls later that we actually managed to get in touch.

My interview was with the district manager. So far, he seems like an absolutely great guy whom I will love working with. We talked about everything from my goals in college and work to the differences between how Zupas and Boondocks run their kitchens. I expressed my love for cooking and my desire to work somewhere that will give me more guest interaction. It was the longest interview I have ever had.

At the end he set his pen down and said "I'm torn with you. Let me just tell you, I am going to hire you." I freaked at this point and I don't really remember what the specifics of the rest of our conversation were. He said that he didn't know whether he should hire me as a prep cook or a line server. He wanted my personality out front but I had expressed interest in cooking and the hours and pay were more what I was looking for.

After some discussion and negotiation we came to a compromise. I am officially a line server at Zupas and I cannot wait to begin working. The atmosphere there is going to be so much more positive and I am just so determined to make this the start of a happier and more productive me.

I will never forget the lessons that I learned while working for Boondocks. I have grown so much as a person since I started there and I have met quite a variety of people. Still, moving forward I am able to take all of those things that I learned and put them into action in a brand new environment.

Everything is looking up right now and I'm happier than I can remember being in a very long time. There are definitely good things coming up in my future.

<3

Lost

I guess that's all there is to describe me right now. 

I don't really know where I fit. My school isn't where I belong. My work doesn't fit me. I flit in and out of my home life and I feel so disconnected from my family. I don't know where I'm going and I'm just....

Lost.

Anyway... Ignore this. Believe it or not, I did have a pretty great day... I just heard about something that got me thinking and I felt like I needed to write my thoughts down somewhere...

I Wish This Decision Could Be Easy

I recently wrote about my latest great idea to transfer to UVU and move down to Provo in the fall... Well, I did also mention that my ideas hardly ever come to fruition, right? I dream big things all the time. I come to decisions and I try to make plans but something always keeps me in my comfort zone. People have seen that about me and I've tried to get myself out of it. I feel like there are some risks that I really just need to take... However, moving to Provo is not one that is going to happen anytime soon.

It's not because I don't have the resources for it. I've been saving money for a while and I make enough on average to be able to afford living on my own. I could do it. It would probably even be a great experience for me. I'm not even nervous about the idea. I was really, really excited about the idea of being out on my own...

With my latest considerations, though, UVU doesn't really work for me. The biggest problem is that I have been considering going into Social Work... A degree that UVU doesn't offer.

Weber does, though. Therein lies my dilemma. I really have not liked going to Weber this year. I am not enjoying my classes and I haven't really made any friends. The only thing I really managed to do was convince myself that I was not on the correct career path for me. In the past year, instead of moving forward as I always strive to do, I've moved ten paces back.

Will another year at Weber be the same then? Or will I manage to find something, somewhere that fits me? I'm nervous about spending even one more semester in stagnation. I need to find some kind of path so that I can gain momentum. I've considered transferring to the U... But it's so much more expensive. When I really have no idea what I'm going to be doing four years from now, it's probably smart for me to stay put at least until I'm really on track.

I don't like having to make this decision. I hate that I have once again started making all of these plans while people in the background were absolutely convinced that I wouldn't do it. I don't like going back on that decision now partially because I know those people will be thinking that they are right. They aren't, though.

I haven't decided not to move because I have it so much better at home. I know that I have it easier at home. Part of the reason I want to move is that it will force me out of my box and challenge me. That is not why I'm staying put. The truth is that if I want to continue to explore this latest possibility for myself, I need to be at a school that will allow that. I know it's the safer option. I know that people expected me to go back on this like I have on other things in the past.

The thing is, I want to go to UVU. I really wish that they had a bachelor program in Social Work. I think I would love the environment and I think it would be a great experience for me. I am really bummed that I have to go back on this decision that I had made and planned out. I don't want to stay at Weber. If the other option, though, is to spend more of my time doing absolutely nothing with no idea of where I'm going, then I'm going to have to reevaluate.

And that is my latest struggle.