Things, or rather thing, that makes me want to scream.

I hate it, coming home and you're in a perfectly good mood, and then all of the sudden someone in your family says something, and you say something back, and then maybe you do something that you weren't aware you were doing, and then all of the sudden they're mad at you. It's freakin' retarded, and I have to tell you right now that it happens to me all the time.

This makes me wonder, is it normal? Do all kids have this happen? Or am I so horribly different from everyone in my family that one little thing I say sets them off? I don't know. It makes me angry just thinking about it. What is it about me that makes my family turn on me so easily? Really. I'd just love to understand. But I don't, and I don't think I ever will.

The only thing that seems to makes sense when it come to my relationship with my family is that they all fight with me. It's seems to be the only reason they keep me around. So they can blame things on me, take their anger out on me, and accuse me of saying/doing things I never said/did. What is it about me that makes it so easy for them to do this?

Then I think about each of them individually and I wonder why I fight with them specifically. With my twin it's easy to figure out. When we were little we just spent way to much time together, and when she didn't want to spend time with me anymore I was hurt, and I guess that even though I was sick of the way she treated me I never forgot how it felt to be her best friend. But with ER it's a little bit harder to figure out. I don't know why we get on each others nerves like we do. I guess it's because we both have habits that have been really hard to get rid of, and we don't really know how to stop doing them. Then there's baby bear. I know why I fight with her. I fight with her because she is just like my twin. She uses everything I say against me, and even when she's the one who should be getting in trouble she twists it so I do. Last of my biological sisters is the J Bird. She is the most like me. Same temper, same humor, same interests. I guess that's why we don't get along.

Then there's my parents. I don't get along with my mom because of things she and I have said to each other that we just can't let go of. Things that I don't know if I ever will let go of. Plus there's the fact that she doesn't seem to trust me. She would trust all the others before she trusts me, and that hurts me more than anything in the world. It's been a lot worse lately, and I guess that's why I am glad school has started again, because I don't have to be at home so much anymore.

BJ, my step dad is surprisingly the one I get along with the best of all the people living at my house. I didn't really like him at first, but after a while we got to know each other better, and now I don't know. Maybe I don't get along with him the best, but lately I've been getting along with him better than my mom.

My dad lives in Salt Lake. He's the one I call when one of my sisters, my mom, or BJ make me feel sad, or angry, and this is one of the reasons my mom and I don't get along. My mom thinks that my dad shouldn't have anything to do with what goes on around here, and that I shouldn't tell him when I'm not getting along with her, but the thing is that I always feel better after talking to him. Even though a lot of the time I know what he's saying isn't true. Because when I talk to him I think of how he used to be. How he used to hang out with us every weekend, and he'd give us "princess kisses" before bed. Talking to my dad when I'm upset makes me remember how he was before he got remarried. At least the things that I liked about him from back then, and it makes me realize that my dad isn't completely lost. Not yet anyway. There's still part of him there that can make me as happy as that little girl he'd tuck into bed at night.

I think my mom doesn't like me thinking of my dad this way. I think that it's because she knows he was never really like this. But even though he wasn't like that he made it seem like he was. He'd always be like that around me, and even though I know some of the horrible things he did I don't want to see it. I can't think about him that way. It just hurts way too much, but I think my mom wants me to see the truth so that during those moments when I'm not hiding in my false memories, and I can actually remember how my dad was like, has always been like, it won't hurt as much.

Or I could be reading into it too deep and she just doesn't want me talking to him and listening to what he is wrongly saying to me when I'm upset. I bet that's it. My mom doesn't think like I do, and so I seriously doubt it was my first idea.

Sigh.

How did this blog get to be on the topic of my dad? I hate thinking about these things.

I guess Izzi is right. I really do blog too much.