Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Anyone Know Where I Can Get an Off Switch for My Brain?

I have been thinking a lot lately. It is a result of summer coming to a close and school starting in a couple of days and me still trying to find ways to procrastinate on all of the work I have to get done before Monday. Thinking is hardly ever a completely good thing for me. Sometimes when I think I come up with interesting or fun things. However, lately my mind is stuck on a couple of topics that put me in a bad mood. It is a problem, and I know this, but I can not help it.

It is no surprise that this summer did not go the way I planned. What in life ever does? Maybe I should stop having expectations about how things are going to be so that I am no longer disappointed. Then again, if I stopped having expectations then the really good things would not seem really good because I did not expect anything of it anyway. . . Does that make sense? I do not know if it does.

Anyway, whenever anything related to my failed summer (which has not been absolutely horrible, I have done some fun things) is brought up I kind of shrink back from conversation. My mom has started noticing this, I guess, and has started asking me what is wrong. Talking about it does not make it better. At least, not anymore. Two months after my accident, I just want things to be good. I want the reminder of it to go away. I want people to trust my driving. I want to stop being afraid every single time I get into a car. It was not that bad. No one was hurt. However, one thing about me is that when something bad happens (crashing a car, a 4-wheeler, or anything like that) and I do not get right back out there and keep going I become afraid.

This has happened to me twice before with 4-wheelers. A couple years ago (2? I do not remember.) I was going up a hill on a 4-wheeler at Bear Lake with my cousin, Hailee. I must not have been going fast enough, or something. I think I tried to change gears while we were going up and all of the sudden we were falling back. My cousin and I went into instinct mode and we moved together to get the 4-wheeler back on all fours. However, after we got back to camp I did not go back on the 4-wheelers for the rest of the trip. I think that was the last trip we went on that year. I do not really remember what the next chance I got to ride a 4-wheeler was, but I remember I was scared.

My last accident on a 4-wheeler pretty much ruined it for me. Emily and I were going up a dune and she braked before we got to the top. She used the back brakes and so the bike flipped. Emily got out of the way, but the bike landed on me. I was perfectly fine, but I no longer have the courage to ride 4-wheelers. If I was given a chance to go out without anyone else on it and mess around for a while I could probably be fine again, but It has been a long time since then and I have not really gotten that chance.

I think the same thing has happened with the car accident. I have driven a car a total of two times in the last two months, both within the first couple weeks after the accident. Since then I have grown increasingly aware of every single thing that could go wrong while in a car, and within the last few weeks I have found myself actually physically cringing every single time I see anything that could go wrong. It does not matter who is driving. I know I am one hundred percent safe when I am in a car my mom or step dad are driving but now I find myself freaked out. I have found that the best way to avoid this is to just close my eyes and ignore everything around me. However, when Carley is driving me somewhere she often needs me to tell her directions. So I have to pay attention to where we are.

I am hoping that when I eventually have another car and can start driving again I will not be afraid. I know for the first little while it will not be fun at all, but, hopefully, I will only be driving to and from school for a little while. I do not really know. It is thoughts about this and about how much I need a job along with other things like how much I miss my dad and my sister that have got me in a bad mood lately. I am trying to get past it all, but it is hard when I do not really have a lot going on during the day. This is why I absolutely can not wait for school to start. This year is going to be so busy for me, that hopefully it will be a distraction from all of this other stuff. I have found that hanging out with friends also distracts me a lot.

In 7th and 8th grades my best friends were Manda and Darcie (and Morgan but I am not talking about her right now.) Lately, I have started talking to them and hanging out with them more (along with Ian.) It is awesome that I have more people to hang out with than my typical group of friends. I absolutely love my other friends, but a little bit of change is good sometimes.

Anyway, this blog was going to be about my sister, Wendy. I guess I got a little caught up in talking about other things. Whoops. Sorry, Wendy. I will write about you another time.