Casual Acquaintance

I met you years ago.
We were only classmates,
but I always wanted to
be your friend.

Your intelligence awed me.
I wished I could have
your creativity, your
talented mind.

I remember the day
we talked for what
seemed like hours and
I realized that we could
become great friends.

I never took the chance,
made the effort to change
our casual acquaintance
into anything more.

I thought we were
too different.

I was wrong.

Now it's too late.

If I could, I would
turn back time. A
year and a day, to when
I last saw you.

I would take the
chance, then, to show
you what I had known,
to tell you that I
looked up to you.

Everyone wants one
last day to say goodbye.



In memory of Rachel Vigil
December 1992 - December 2009

Letters

Departed friend,

You left me here,

confused and disoriented.

I’m not sure how this

all occurred. One moment

you were here, I was in

your arms, the next I

was standing by your

grave, as I am now.

There is no rewinding

this life, no way for me

to hear your voice or

feel your strong arms around

me even one more time.

I don’t know how to say

goodbye. The void that

has opened, wide between

us is one I do not know

how to cross over. It is not

yet my time to speak to

you again. For now, read

this letter, left on your

grave, and know that I

will always remember.

Love forever,

Elizabeth

 

Dearest Elizabeth,

If there were a way

to ensure that this letter

made its way into your

delicate hands, I would

find it. I want to have

the power to reassure you.

You are not the only one

disoriented, confused.

I want for nothing

more than to be near you,

to hear your laughter, not

from a distance, but right

next to my ear, a result

of time spent together.

I am with you always,

though you come to my

grave, hoping to speak to

me again. I always hear

your words, spoken out of

mourning and despair.

I’m sorry.

Always with you,

Alexander

These two poems were written for my creative writing class. The assignment was to write two letter poems. The inspiration came from the two main characters in my novel. They do kind of give away a big part of the end of the novel, but I still really liked how they turned out.

Ecstatic Dilemma

Last week I had an interview for Sterling Scholar. My interview went really well, but I was competing for the English category with two of the smartest girls I have ever met. I had no idea which of us would win in the end.

I met these two girls in junior high and we have been involved in many of the same things since then. We have all had split interests between English and Science as well as other things. We have all been really good friends. There are not two other people in all of Davis School District who I would rather compete against. I was prepared to lose and I was prepared to be happy about it. No matter who won, I would have been happy for them. They would have deserved it.

We have been anxiously awaiting the results since our interviews. Today, while I was heading to my car so that I could go to Mr. T's class at Fairfield for my internship, the announcements came on and I was informed that the list of Sterling Scholars would be posted at lunch. Luckily, Mr. T kept me super busy during the three hours I was at my internship and the time passed without me being able to freak out too much. When I got back to the school, I found myself practically racing into the building.

I wanted to check the list at the same time as Carley, who was competing for the Visual Art category. So I called her and told her to wait for me. We met at the stairs and walked up to where the list was. I couldn't even concentrate on what the list said because I was so excited, but when I finally focused enough to see what name was under the English category I saw that it was mine. I don't think I could breath just then. Then I saw that Carley had also been chosen for Visual Arts. I don't think there is any cooler thing than sharing such an accomplishment with your twin sister.

However, soon after I noticed Carley and I were going to be competing at region, I also noticed that Nicole had been chosen for Science and that, of the three of us pictured above, Hillary was the one who would not be moving on. She was also the only one who was not able to see the list for herself. She was at her internship in Salt Lake and wanted Nicole and I to let her know the results.

Herein was our dilemma. How were Nicole and I supposed to inform Hillary that, not only had her two friends been chosen for both categories she had competed in, but she had not? How were we supposed to be happy about this amazing accomplishment when our close friend was not able to share it with us? Was the right choice to just come out and tell her or let her find out on her own?

In the end we decided that, since she had asked both Nicole and I to inform her of the results, we had no other choice but to tell her. I tried calling her, hoping that an actual conversation would soften the blow a little, but I recieved no answer. After discussing it for a moment, Nicole and I decided that it would be best if both of us sent her a seperate text informing her of the results for our category.

I still don't know how Hillary will take this. I am currently sitting in my Newspaper class, hoping that she will not find our way of telling her too... I don't even know what the right word for this is. I'm torn between showing just how excited I am and feeling bad that Hillary does not get to compete for Region. I don't really know if there is a right answer or solution to this problem.

In the meantime, congratulations to everyone else who was chosen for Sterling Scholar! I know that we have all worked hard since starting high school to come to this point. There is a lot of work ahead of us, but each of us deserves what we were chosen for and I know that Layton High is going to be very well represented this year!

Overwhelmed

I say that I know certain things shouldn't matter anymore, that I don't care. But sometimes I just get overwhelmed by everything and I wish I had some of the more insignificant comforts to fall back on. Today is one of those days. I just wish there was someone that I could really tell everything. I don't think such a person truly exists, though.

This is a not-so-great poem I wrote today. I thought I would share.

You ask what is wrong and I

want to answer, freely, openly.

The answer, though, is too long,

too real to tell. I know that

you will not really care to hear it.

You do not really want to know

that I feel I am not good enough.

You have no desire to listen to

me say that I feel that there is

no one who really understands.

It is too cliché, too much of an

excuse for me to really feel.

Still, I want to tell you

everything.

Instead I keep my worries, my

insecurities to myself. They build

and build until I can no longer

stand them. I break down, unable

to resist any longer, but there is

still no one to listen.

Fragile Earth

The breeze blows, cool

against the fragile canvas of

the earth, writing crimson 

memoirs in the blue sky.

Fragile wings break

through, a barrier to the

ever wandering 

thoughts in the air.

Since the painful and

expectant sunrise, the earth

became chaotic. You stand,

observing intelligent trees,

rooted in their peaceful

ground, content with the

casual loneliness of their

existence as their leaves

drift to the ground

upon attentive wings.

Assurance.

So, I know that National Novel Writing Month has started and so instead of writing this blog I should be writing my novel... Or you know... Sleeping. However, I was just having some thoughts that I really wanted to preserve. I thought there was no better place than here to do that.

Any person my age has a lot of big things going on right now. College applications are beginning to become number one priority, we're beginning to realize how difficult it will be to afford living the lives we are hoping to live and how impossible it is to afford the lives we dream to be living. We have heard so many times in the past that senior year is a time to have fun, but none of us have time for fun at the moment. How can a person have fun when there are so many life altering decisions being made right now?

With all of these big thing going on, I wouldn't be surprised if we're all feeling a little bit like we're falling behind. Maybe we don't feel like we're doing the best we can or that we are screwing up. I can tell you from personal experience that assurance otherwise can mean a lot to people of my age right now. This is an independence that many of us have not experienced before and we are all worried that we are going to screw up. In fact, we most definitely will screw up somehow. Some of us have already screwed up. Either way, it's nice to hear that we're doing a little bit better than we think we are.

Tonight the person whose opinion matters most to me when it comes to how well I am doing with my life reassured me that I am doing pretty well. I was shocked, to say the least. I feel like a chicken running around with its head chopped off (or is that a turkey? I can't remember.) I have no idea how to get everything that I need done and still be sane. I am so worried that I am going to make a mistake that will cost me for the rest of my life. I'm worried that I'm going to miss something crucial. I'm worried that I'm disappointing my friends and my family with how I prefer to spend my downtime by myself more and more often.

It's not that I don't love the people in my life, I do, so much. I just really value the time I have to just relax and not stress about everything right now. It feels so hypocritical to how I feel about the ever increasing number of things that I miss at home and with my friends, but I've come to the point where missing these things doesn't upset as much as it did. I feel like I am not getting anything done and that I am not doing things very well. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. To hear that my mom thinks that I am doing very well is a very good thing. It really helps me to hear that.

I just thought that I would share that. Life my be overwhelming and I may feel that I am not succeeding with all that I am supposed to be doing in my life to this point, but I have people who believe in me and who believe that I am doing well. I don't think they will ever understand just how much that means to me.