I had a realization this week. I realized that I really don't like what I am doing with my life right now. I am so sick of the same boring routine that my life has become this year. Yes, there have been the events that have spiraled my life out of control for a few days, but seriously? I realized that I need something good. I need to be doing something that I like and that I want to be doing. I mean, I used to enjoy going to school everyday. I used to find interest in my classes and I used to at least have some homework that was not incredibly horrible and boring to me. Even outside of school I haven't really been doing anything that I enjoy.
I feel like I need a change. A change of scenery, a change of activity, a change of routine. I just need to change something. All through junior high I had MESA and Science Olympiad and Yearbook and Honors English. It also helped that I honestly enjoyed most of my classes. School had not yet become as redundant as it seems to be now. Even last year I had my writing for the paper and my friends. I actually liked most of my classes then as well. This year, though. This year I just feel like I am learning the same things that I've learned before. My only interesting class is AP Psychology. I'm not writing. I'm not having fun. I hang out with Kara and Julissa every now and then and that's good. I mean, I don't hate my life. I love my life. I love the people in it and I love the experiences I have had and will have in the future. I just really am not happy with anything I am doing with my life now. I feel like there is no point. I'm going to school to get the grades so that I can continue on to more schooling, but what will I do when there is no more school? How do I find what it is that I like and that I want to do? I'm at a complete loss.
I believe that there is something out there for everyone. Everyone can find something in the world to be passionate about. That is the point of life. How do I find that, though? I mean, what if there is something out there that I would like to do with my life more than teaching English or working at a newspaper or a publishing company? Even if there isn't, if that is the thing in the world that I would enjoy doing the most, how do I rediscover my passion for it? There was a time when I wrote all of the time. I wrote just because I wanted to. When I created a character I felt like I had done something. It didn't matter that no one else would ever read it. I didn't care that my plot was probably so dumb that it would never be interesting to anyone but myself. I cared enough about what I was doing that I could do it completely for myself.
I miss that.
There isn't anything in my daily life at the moment that I do just because I want to. I go to school now only because it's required. I have only written one article for the paper this year. I don't write fiction. I haven't gotten sincerely interesting in something I learned in school for a very long time.
I don't know. I guess I've gotten my point across. Now I just need to find a way to make myself happy with my routine again. I don't want to spend all of my time worrying about what I'm going to do with my life. I want to spend more of it enjoying what I'm doing.
