This week has been a long and introspective week. Mom, Bill, Abby and Linzie were in Hawaii and Carley, Emily and I were left with the house to ourselves. This trip had been in the works for nearly a year. The whole time, Carley and I had planned on having a party and enjoying the chance to have people over when we wanted without having to worry about other people's schedules. I don't think that we expected to be nearly as busy as we both currently are in our own lives.

All of that basically means that I spent a lot of time alone this week. I had a lot of time to think. That thinking led to some thoughts that put in a not so great mood. I was left feeling incredibly lonely and purposeless. It was not really a great week for me.

But as with everything else in my life, I talked to my mom about it and she gave me some really great thoughts to add to my pile. I may feel purposeless, but I'm not. Everything I'm doing right now is preparing me for my future. I'm gaining experiences that will help me in my career. One day, when I have a client who is struggling to find some purpose or meaning in their lives, I will know how they feel because I will be able to draw on my own experiences.

And whose to say I don't have a purpose? Sometimes I forget that Zupas is not Boondocks. At Zupas I am respected and my ideas are actually considered when making decisions. I have the ability to make a difference there. I can help the people that I am in charge of because they actually listen to me. It's actually surprising how many of them come to me for advice. I'm nobody. I have had three jobs in my life. All of which have been in the food industry. I'm only 20. There are people I work with who have far more experience than me. Yet, they come to me. And that must mean that I'm doing something right. That right there is a purpose. Plus, it's even more experience that will help me in the future.

So I managed to upset myself this week with unproductive thoughts... And then I pulled myself out of it with a little help from awesome people who put up with me when I'm being ridiculous. :)

Transitions

As 2012 came to an end and we moved into the new year, I found myself thinking a lot about what I would start off my year blogging about. I've written a couple of drafts that discuss all of the things that the year taught me and all of the ways that my life changed. Those things are important and they're true... But I feel like I have already said so much about all of that. Those are the things that I write about all of the time. I am a person who is perpetually looking behind her and into the past. Why is that?

All I know is that sometime during the last year I have found myself struggling to move into a future that is really, really undefined. I have given myself the idea that what I am doing is progressing, but I'm not really. I have hopes, dreams, and ideas that create the illusion of progress... But am I really doing anything differently?

I go to school. I go to work. I sometimes clean my bedroom. Every once in a while a friend will reveal themselves from the woodwork and I'll spend a couple of days socializing. There is absolutely no difference between my actions now and my actions in high school. My mind is different. My outlook on life is different. My actions are the same. How is that progress?

I feel like I'm so stuck in this pattern. I think I may have reached a limit as far as progress is concerned with my life as it is now. I need to put myself in a new situation somehow. I need to remove myself from the old patterns that I have found myself in and find some room to grow. I just... Have no idea where to start.

So my New Year's Resolution this year is less about changing myself and more about putting myself out into the world more. I want to move out of my house and reach the independence that doing so will allow me. I want to pay off my car so that I can put even more money away for my future. I want to meet new people and forge new relationships. I feel like 2012 was all about changing the way I saw myself and the rest of the world. 2013 is going to be the next phase. I'll get there eventually, right?