As 2012 came to an end and we moved into the new year, I found myself thinking a lot about what I would start off my year blogging about. I've written a couple of drafts that discuss all of the things that the year taught me and all of the ways that my life changed. Those things are important and they're true... But I feel like I have already said so much about all of that. Those are the things that I write about all of the time. I am a person who is perpetually looking behind her and into the past. Why is that?
All I know is that sometime during the last year I have found myself struggling to move into a future that is really, really undefined. I have given myself the idea that what I am doing is progressing, but I'm not really. I have hopes, dreams, and ideas that create the illusion of progress... But am I really doing anything differently?
I go to school. I go to work. I sometimes clean my bedroom. Every once in a while a friend will reveal themselves from the woodwork and I'll spend a couple of days socializing. There is absolutely no difference between my actions now and my actions in high school. My mind is different. My outlook on life is different. My actions are the same. How is that progress?
I feel like I'm so stuck in this pattern. I think I may have reached a limit as far as progress is concerned with my life as it is now. I need to put myself in a new situation somehow. I need to remove myself from the old patterns that I have found myself in and find some room to grow. I just... Have no idea where to start.
So my New Year's Resolution this year is less about changing myself and more about putting myself out into the world more. I want to move out of my house and reach the independence that doing so will allow me. I want to pay off my car so that I can put even more money away for my future. I want to meet new people and forge new relationships. I feel like 2012 was all about changing the way I saw myself and the rest of the world. 2013 is going to be the next phase. I'll get there eventually, right?
Showing posts with label New Year's Resolutions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Year's Resolutions. Show all posts
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
New Year, New Goals
I meant to get around to writing this much sooner. I mean, four whole days into the new year and I haven't written anything?!? That may be a first. Here's the thing, though, I don't spend nearly as much time on the computer these days. It's one of the many pieces my New Year's resolution.
I believe I've talked about New Year's resolutions in the past. At the end of 2009 I talked about writing a journal because I wouldn't have to be careful with my thoughts. Two years later, I realize that what I should have actually been working toward (and keeping a journal could still have been my method of doing this) would be making my thoughts more positive. No matter how much I have denied it in the past, I have always been very focused on what goes wrong with my life. This way of being has contributed to bad moods, grades lower than I am capable of, and more than one lost friendship.
What does all this have to do with my 2012 New Year's resolution?
It all begins with a desk. Or, more correctly, it all begins with the lack of a desk.
All through junior high and high school, I would always do my homework (when I actually did it at all) around my kitchen table with my sisters. This worked out well mostly because, in high school and junior high, I never actually had to put much effort into my work. It all came easily to me. What were a few distractions when I could probably do the math problems in my sleep anyway?
One of the things that I learned last semester was that college works requires concentration. Unlike in high school or junior high, my professors are not going to accept the bare minimum from me. I have to work hard on every assignment, every paper. I have to read the textbooks and retain the material. I have to be able to focus. Working around the kitchen table just does not encourage anything of the sort. So I asked my mom for a desk for Christmas.
She actually had me looking at them with her once or twice. We swapped links to websites while she was at work but could never find anything that looked like it would work in my room. I figured that I probably wouldn't be getting a desk for Christmas.
Guess what?
I got the coolest desk ever.
Anyway, the night that I got my desk set up in my room I had my mom come and see it. I mentioned how I thought my walls were boring since I finally took all of my old Science Olympiad medals down. The comment that she made is really what got me thinking about my New Year's resolution in an odd way. She said that most teenagers have posters up on their walls. Simple enough, right? Not that strange of a comment. I have never had posters on my walls and that is kind of weird. I decided then that I needed to get some.
In my search for good posters for my room, I came across the Dalai Lama's A to ZEN of Life. After reading the poster, I decided that I must have it. Each letter of the alphabet is represented by a saying such as "remember that silence is sometimes the best answer" and "stop procrastinating." There are twenty six of them (obviously) and I plan to focus on three of them a month. At the same time, I have a bunch of more physical goals that I plan to work on each month (i.e. going to the gym twice a week.)
My New Year's resolution could be considered one thing (becoming a healthier and happier person) or it could be split into well over 30. Still, I have broken it down into a calendar of goals, an idea that I stole from my friend Jocelyn.
Four days in and I can tell that it is going to be tough. I've been stuck in a not-so-great place for a while with no attempt to really change my thoughts or behavior. This is the year, though. It's time for me to be happy with who I am. For real. No doubt. No questions. No need for reassurance from others.
I believe I've talked about New Year's resolutions in the past. At the end of 2009 I talked about writing a journal because I wouldn't have to be careful with my thoughts. Two years later, I realize that what I should have actually been working toward (and keeping a journal could still have been my method of doing this) would be making my thoughts more positive. No matter how much I have denied it in the past, I have always been very focused on what goes wrong with my life. This way of being has contributed to bad moods, grades lower than I am capable of, and more than one lost friendship.
What does all this have to do with my 2012 New Year's resolution?
It all begins with a desk. Or, more correctly, it all begins with the lack of a desk.
All through junior high and high school, I would always do my homework (when I actually did it at all) around my kitchen table with my sisters. This worked out well mostly because, in high school and junior high, I never actually had to put much effort into my work. It all came easily to me. What were a few distractions when I could probably do the math problems in my sleep anyway?
One of the things that I learned last semester was that college works requires concentration. Unlike in high school or junior high, my professors are not going to accept the bare minimum from me. I have to work hard on every assignment, every paper. I have to read the textbooks and retain the material. I have to be able to focus. Working around the kitchen table just does not encourage anything of the sort. So I asked my mom for a desk for Christmas.
She actually had me looking at them with her once or twice. We swapped links to websites while she was at work but could never find anything that looked like it would work in my room. I figured that I probably wouldn't be getting a desk for Christmas.
Guess what?
I got the coolest desk ever.
Anyway, the night that I got my desk set up in my room I had my mom come and see it. I mentioned how I thought my walls were boring since I finally took all of my old Science Olympiad medals down. The comment that she made is really what got me thinking about my New Year's resolution in an odd way. She said that most teenagers have posters up on their walls. Simple enough, right? Not that strange of a comment. I have never had posters on my walls and that is kind of weird. I decided then that I needed to get some.
In my search for good posters for my room, I came across the Dalai Lama's A to ZEN of Life. After reading the poster, I decided that I must have it. Each letter of the alphabet is represented by a saying such as "remember that silence is sometimes the best answer" and "stop procrastinating." There are twenty six of them (obviously) and I plan to focus on three of them a month. At the same time, I have a bunch of more physical goals that I plan to work on each month (i.e. going to the gym twice a week.)
My New Year's resolution could be considered one thing (becoming a healthier and happier person) or it could be split into well over 30. Still, I have broken it down into a calendar of goals, an idea that I stole from my friend Jocelyn.
Four days in and I can tell that it is going to be tough. I've been stuck in a not-so-great place for a while with no attempt to really change my thoughts or behavior. This is the year, though. It's time for me to be happy with who I am. For real. No doubt. No questions. No need for reassurance from others.
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