Some things just can't be said.

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but known you didn't have the courage to actually say the words? Have you sat alone reciting what you would say to yourself only finding that, when the opportunity arose, you were too scared to say what needed to be said? Then, a month or a year later, you think how things would have been different if the words had come out.

Until recently I kept almost everything I had ever written at the bottom of my closet, and on days when I was feeling particularly bored or upset I would look through all of the forgotten notes, letters, and stories. One thing that I found I had a lot of was letters that had never been sent. In these letters I would say everything that I had wanted to say to people and at the time of writing them I had every intent to send them. Things like 'I'm really mad at you. I can't believe you didn't tell me about....' or 'You don't really want to be happy do you? Or else you would have gotten away from....'. After reading these I would remember (and feel) the emotion behind the letter and I would always find myself wondering if it would even make a difference.

Just over a year ago I wrote a paper for my creative class on my relationship with my dad. The last piece of the paper was a letter to him that stated that I knew things weren't going to change and that I was just writing the letter for myself because I never actually planned on showing it to him. A couple months later I decided that by showing my dad the paper I might actually be helping him. I emailed it to him and told him to read it. He had known about the paper and he had known (or I thought he had known) that I never planned on showing it to him. About half an hour later he called me and told me that he had, had to leave his office because my paper had made him cry. I took this as a good sign that maybe things would get better. I hoped that I had finally managed to get my words to him in a way that I couldn't do normally.

Yesterday, I cleaned out my closet. I took out all of those notes, letters, and stories and threw them out. I decided that I wanted to start clean. I wanted to try and let go of all of those situations and teach myself in some way that nothing I could have said would have made a difference. I say this because my paper didn't make a difference at all in the situation with my dad. I pretended that I had gotten over it and it was forgotten.

Like any person, I have these dreams of how I wish things would change. I used to spend a lot of my time thinking about how these dreams might have been reality if I had ever gotten the courage to speak out. Now I'm trying to get passed that. I know that the things I thought wouldn't really have been able to change much. So I'm ok with all of that now.

There are still things I want to say. I still have feelings that I don't show because I don't know how too. The hard things are just that. I can't tell people my deepest thoughts and I don't think I'll ever be the kind of person that can.

The things that absolutely have to be said aren't often things that are said by me. I can't talk to people. It's something I want to work on, but I don't think I have to work on it by going through the hard things. I could start by trying to get the other things out. The things that aren't difficult at all. That's where I'm going to start. I still won't be able to make the other things known, but, for now, I'm ok with that.

Summer..... is grand.

So now that it's about two weeks into summer I'm finding it a lot easier to believe where I am in my life. I got my schedule for my first year at Layton High about a week ago because I got into the AVID program which should make me go from a 3.952 student to a 4.0 student. I know what classes I'm going to have when and I know what classes I will have with Izzi. It is way exciting and I can't wait for next year.

I've surprised myself by coming back to this blog already. I told myself that I was going to continue to write in it, but I've never really been one to commit to something like this. I think I mentioned at the beginning of the school year that I have had blogs before that I kept up with for a week or so before just forgetting about them and I had thought that, with the school year being over, this would become just like any of those. I am glad to see that, at least for now, I was wrong.

In the last two weeks a lot has happened. Along with being done with Junior High I have found a place that was so amazing. Washington D.C. was a beautiful place. Sure, it is more city than I would expect to love but there was just something about it that made me wish that I could stay there forever. Maybe it was the people I was with, maybe not. I tend to think not because a lot of the time I was there I was annoyed with more than one person. It might also have to do with my experiences there as a Science Olympian and if that is it then I am sure that I would still love it if, one day, I was to return.

Or maybe it was simply because I had one of the greatest moments of my life up on the stage at George Washington University. That, I'm sure, is one of the key factors.

Oh, did I not mention this last time?

I got second place in Trajectory. Second place in the nation!!! Can you believe that? I have never had a greater achievement in my life and I am sure that it will probably remain one of the greatest achievements in my life for the rest of my life.

Have you ever gotten an award in front of thousands and thousands of people (plus more watching via satellite and webcast)? Well I have to say that it is the best feeling in the world. Knowing that all of your work has come to something that great just makes you feel like it really meant something. Even if it was only for a junior high level competition, I think that what I did really did mean something. It wasn't a gold, no. But we lost because of a difference of .5 centimeters. I consider that as good as gold.

Along with having the time of my life in a place that I now love, I have realized that school isn't my only life. My family is amazing and, while I have always known this, I do fit in with them. I may not play video game and I am certainly not an artist, but they are my family. We all love to watch movies together. We play card games together. We go camping together. And when Izzi and I are getting along we (gasp) even help each other do our hair or come up with jokes that no one will ever understand. That is what I love about having a big family. There is always someone making jokes and almost always there is laughter.

I have also realized that even though mL, my best friend in the world, does get better grades than me I am just as good as her. I am as smart as her. I am as talented as her. I can be just as successful as her. I will be just as successful as her. Maybe I'll be able to do better because she is my friend. I know that I am doing better in school because of the influence of her and my other friends as well. I know that I would not being improving as much as I am without them.

Heh. I don't know if anyone even reads this now that it is summer. I am pretty sure that there are not many of us that are still blogging, but to any of you that still are (either reading or writing) thanks for a great year!!! And I'm sorry we never got around to that bowling party we wanted to do.

Beauty in the City and Heartbreak in the Mind

Wow. A lot has happened lately. So much in fact, that it is completely overwhelming, totally exciting, and heartbreakingly sad all at the same time. I cannot begin to explain how I have felt the last few days. Everything has seemed so unreal that it is taking a lot to get my mind around all of it. My life is changing. So many things are beginning and ending that I am sure I don't even recognize all of them.

The most recent event that has got me excited, overwhelmed, and sad was the National Science Olympiad tournament in Washington DC over the weekend. I saw things and experienced things that have changed how I think and where I want to go with my life. I found a place that is magical and amazing and so completely awesome that I wish I could still be there. The competition itself was not even as big a part of the experience as I had thought it would be. I mean, I am completely happy with the results of the competition (I'll write more about that later) , but the city of DC was so much more than the reason I was there. If that makes any sense.


The next thing that has got me feeling so. . . different, is that school is over. It is summer, and yet I feel like I should be getting ready to go to bed so that I can wake up at 6:30 AM tomorrow and get ready for school. It just feels so weird to think that I am not a student at FFJH anymore. Come August I will not be riding the bus to a school where I know all of the teachers and a lot of the students. Instead I will be walking to a school where I know some of the students and not a single teacher. It makes me incredibly sad to think that my time at FFJH is over and I am already finding that what Mr. T said about me experiencing withdrawals from the school is true. Haha.

Knowing that so many things are beginning and so many others are ending, I have decided that I am going to try to keep up with this blog. I want to record the things that mean a lot to me. The problems or the experiences that I want to remember, and I want people from the honors english class of 2007-2008 or future students or Mr. T to read about it. I want people to know what is going on with my life and I am going to try so hard to remember to write in here frequently.

Honors English is over. So is 9th grade. So is the National Science Olympiad Competition.

High school starts in August. I get my learners permit sometime this summer.

So much is happening now. It is really hard to wrap my mind around it.