If there is one thing that makes me write more than anything else it's change. A lot of my stories focus on a change in my characters' lives, whether it be a big change or a small change, but I've never had a whole lot of change to write about in my own life. I am definitely afraid of change. I don't like things being different than they were before, and I absolutely hate seeing people I've come to know very well leave, and so usually when something changes I just quit. I get up and leave whatever it is that has changed.
Every year since I started Jr. High I've taken part in our school's MESA club. It was the place where I totally and completely let go. I'd be goofy and I'd be crazy, and no one seemed to mind. It was a blast, and one of the best experiences of my life. I thought for sure that my last year of Jr. High would be no different where MESA was concerned. I was wrong.
Within the first few weeks of school me and all my friends who were in MESA knew that this year was going to be different. The MESA "teachers" I guess is the only word I can think of, had always been the same two teachers I had known since I was in their classes in seventh grade. They are some of my favorite teachers in the school, and I couldn't imagine what MESA would be without them. At least, I couldn't imagine what it would be without either of them until Tuesday.
I missed the first MESA meeting this year, but everyone said it was fun, and everyone was mad at me for not showing up. I laughed it off, but I got enough courage to go to the next meeting even though I was afraid of how different it would be.
The reason MESA is so different this year is because one of the two teachers that have been in charge of it since I first came to join the club is no longer in charge. Instead the new Math teacher is. To many ninth graders at the school this new math teacher means nothing of consequence. They'll never be in any of her classes, and they'll never actually meet her at all, but I've known this teacher for years. She was Izzi's sixth grade teacher, and I've never had a tremendous liking for her. She's alright, but I've noticed that she's too strict, and she acts almost as if she doesn't like kids.
Then I think of MESA last year and the year before. There were so many things I did in that club, so many traditions, jokes, etc. that me and my friends came up with that we won't ever really get to do again.I won't get to throw things at my friends, and they can't throw things at me, and all in all it just won't be MESA to me. It'll be like another class, and I don't want that. I don't want MESA to make me miserable. I want the quality, the fun, of MESA back. I don't want us to have a club council, and there shouldn't be a strict list of rules, and you shouldn't have to keep good grades just to come to a meeting. I think that we should be able to come because we want to, we should be able to talk and walk around the room and hang out, because that's what MESA always was to me. But it isn't anymore.
I know I can't do anything about it, and I know that quitting because of this minor set back may show that I'm not as great of a person as I like to think, but I just can't do it. I fear that if I do decide to go to MESA every 2nd and 4th tuesday of the month then I will be taking the memories I've made over the last two years and covering them, hiding them, behind the memories of misery and boredom that I am sure I will face if I do MESA this year. I don't want that to happen, and so I'm not going to MESA this year. I know I'll miss it, but I won't be missing MESA really. I'll be missing the people and the things that we did in the past. That was not wholly MESA. MESA was just what brought those people together.
On top of MESA changing there's also Science Olympiad. I have been on the team two years in a row now, and last year I won a medal at Nationals, but I'm not sure if I'll get to do that this year. I want a fair and equal chance, and I'm just not sure I'm going to be given that. Yesterday there was a meeting for all those interested in trying out for the team, and during that meeting we were told what the requirements were and how we needed to fill out the forms, but we were also told that we wouldn't even be considered on the team unless we had someone who would be willing to coach one of the 26 events. I don't have that. I'm the only person really interested in science in my family, my family doesn't have a huge number of friends, and I don't know very many people outside of school.
The things I've done all through Jr. High are almost over for me. MESA's gone, I might not be able to do Science Olympiad, and then what do I have left? I have my friends, but I am not really the kind of person that hangs out with her friends every friday night. I have school, and I love school. I thrive on school, but that isn't enough. I need something fun. Something that catches my interests. I need a place where I have friends. I need something to stay completely and totally the same. I can't stand change.
I guess I just need to learn now that everything is going to change. This year will end, and I won't be in Junior High anymore. There will be no MESA for me, and only if I'm lucky will I be able to do Science Olympiad. My friends will change, and I will get new ones. Everything is going to change eventually. I just wish it wouldn't.
