So my blog yesterday has had me thinking about last year and this year and seventh grade and basically everything. Today I was sitting at lunch with my friends when all of the sudden I just really, really did not want to be there. I didn't want things to be different from last year, and I was finding it really sad that I had forgotten things and people that I promised myself I wouldn't.
Last year was hard for me. I spent a lot of time hanging out with people that I was trying to be friends with because there had been a time the year before that we were best friends and we did everything together. I hung out with people who were mean to me, and they were mean to me because I let them be. I didn't care that they were mean to me and that they ignored me as long as they let me hang out with them and as long as I felt I belonged there. I didn't though. I didn't belong with any of them, at least not until I started hanging out with Snow, Nina, and Double S.
Double S and Snow were in creative writing with me last year. At first we hated each other. We called each other names, shot down each other's ideas, and found every possible way to be to each other. I'm not sure when, but at some point that changed. We started talking and hanging out, and soon we were a group. Panduck, Snow, Double S, and I always sat together in Creative Writing. We talked and wrote things together. Snow didn't really like me though. I've known her forever because she lives not very far from me, and we've never really gotten along. Panduck really liked her though, and so I pretended to get along with her.
Double S is one of the most awesome people in the whole world. I can't tell you much I miss her right now. Last year we became really good friends, or at least I thought we did. We hung out together outside of school once. We went over to Snow's house and basically just kind of goofed off. It was fun, and I even began to like Snow more. After a while I stopped hanging out with my other "friends" and I began to eat lunch with Double S and I'd stop and talk to her between classes. We were really good friends.
And then there's Nina. Now it's obvious that I haven't put any of their real names on here, but Nina is really what we called her. I didn't ever know Nina really well, but she reminded me of my half sister. She was incredibly funny, and we became friends even faster than me and Double S did. I started to do everything with them. They were my pals and I loved them. I didn't know all of their friends, but I didn't care. I spent time with them. If they went to a dance I went with them. When the year was coming to an end I realized that I probably wouldn't ever hang out with them like that again. If only I had known how true that was.
Last summer I called Double S to talk to her because I hadn't talked to her and I was wondering if she could hang out anytime soon. She said she couldn't talk then, but she would call me back. She never did, and eventually I forgot all about her. Sure, I still thought about her from time to time, but I figured that she didn't want to talk to me, and she and I weren't as good of friends as I thought we were.
I'm not sure about the second part of that, but I know what she said about why she didn't call me. Double S said she got a new phone, and had lost my number. I believed her. Why not? She had given me anything to doubt.
This was when I went to go see the school musical last week. I saw Double S walk in and sit down and I dragged my friends with me so I could say hi to her (Now that is a whole other blog topic. Why would I need to make my friends come with me?). I screamed and hugged her and she hugged me, and for a moment it felt just like eighth grade. It was so great. I felt like we were still really good friends and that we still were going to be really good friends.
I left her to watch the musical with her friends, but every time I walked past her during intermission I hoped she'd stop me and try to talk to me. She didn't. She was too busy talking to her friends. I didn't do anything about it, but I did text her to tell her that I missed her.
Today during lunch I wanted it to be like it was a year ago. I wanted to be sitting with Double S and Nina. I wanted to be goofing off and laughing with my closest friends (or at least they were). I realize that this is how it's going to be next year for my eighth grade friends, or at least I hope they'll miss me. I hope that I'll talk to them more and that I'll be around more often to say hi to them and my teachers. I don't want to be the person who leaves for high school and is never heard from again. As awesome as Nina and Double S are I don't necessarily want to be like them. I don't want to forget my younger friends. They're just as great as the ones that are my age.
But yeah, mL. That's why I might have seemed angry, or sad, or whatever during lunch today. Just missing some old friends.
Sigh.
