Disappointed Anger

I learned something yesterday that has me mad. I don't mean that I'm slightly annoyed or irritated. This isn't an anger that small or unfounded. I don't even know how to describe it, because I have never been this angry about something like this before. I just feel like I've been cheated. I feel like I'm being punished for something I don't remember doing.

Why am I so mad?

Well, I've been working on my school newspaper for almost three years now. Three years ago, on my first day of high school, I walked into Mrs. Erickson's room as a clueless sophomore. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. No one had prepared me for the challenge of learning how to write news or how to be part of a staff that moves at such a quick pace. I had never planned on becoming Co-Editor-in-Chief after having only worked on the paper for a single year. I was never told how hard it was to be an editor or how much time I would devote to putting that newspaper together. I was not prepared to love and hate it as much as I did. I was not prepared for it to end as it all seems it will now.

LHS went through some real drama last year that partially resulted in our principal retiring and all of the eyes in the state being turned on us. The result of that was a new principal who had to pay a lot more attention to where money went and how it was spent. For the newspaper, that meant that a product that had once been fully supported by the school had to completely function on its own. My advisor paid for our last three papers in full, but cannot afford to do the same again. This means that, unless we can sell $600 in ads by Tuesday, there will be no Senior Edition of the Centurion for the class of 2011. I think I'm the only one who is seriously upset about this.

No one else on the staff is as invested in that paper as I am. That is something that I have known all year and that I have struggled to come to terms with. When I am telling everyone that they need to work harder and that we need to have the paper done now, it is because I want it to be the best possible product that we can present to the student body. It doesn't matter that a majority of them won't ever look at it; I don't do it for the recognition. I do it because seeing that newsprint with our Layton High Centurion logo on it is one of the best feelings that I know. I love seeing our work on the page, concrete evidence of our time at Layton High.

So this last edition is especially important to me... and we may not even be able to print it.

I just... don't even know where to direct the anger and the frustration that I feel right now.

Last month, when we won state Science Olympiad and MM (a guy from Davis who I used to be on the FFJH team with) realized he wouldn't be going to nationals, I didn't understand why he could consider it failure. He had placed in third and had been to nationals FOUR times. I think I understand a little bit more now, though. To have come so far and have almost reached the end and then to be told that we probably will not make it... I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling right now other than anger and disappointment.

I'm ready for senior year to be over now.

...

Lonely Moon

She watches the rain

through the elegant window,

falling endlessly to the ground,

forever graceful.

The subtle moon, grey

beneath a blanket of clouds,

shines softly on the earth,

calling for the broken memories

lying dormant in the

thoughtful minds below.

Tragically, they have been

tossed aside. Lost is the

instinctive wisdom of the

flawed sky against the

ancient trees.

So, I realize that I haven't posted any real writing in a while. This is not because I have not been writing. Quite on the contrary. I have been writing a lot. There has just been a lot going on and I have not gotten around to putting anything up. I will be putting some more up soon (hopefully.) This is just a piece that I wrote for my Creative Writing class that I will also be reading at a school performance tonight. 

Life Update

See that countdown at the very bottom of the page? Notice as the numbers rapidly decrease, bringing me ever closer to the culmination of my high school career. That is my life right now. It seems as if that countdown controls almost everything that I do. Every day I wake up and think "only ..... days until graduation." I go to school and tell myself that I can make it. High school may be driving me crazy but I am so close to being done! It will all be over soon enough and I will be able to look back at it all fondaly and say that it has been worth it.

It's not just me.

The entire senior class seems to be operating in similar fashion these days. Our teachers constantly remind us that we need to remain strong. We are almost at the finish line and it would be ridiculous to stop when we are standing right in front of it.  The newspaper staff is finishing up our fourth issue and beginning our brainstorms for our final paper, our "Senior Edition." There are posters advertising our senior bash in the hallway. Everything is working its way to this single point in our lives. I have always known that graduations are important, but until recently I had no real sense of how pivotal they really are.

It is hard to describe how I am feeling about life right now. So much is changing for me. Last week I went on what is very possibly my last Spring Break camping trip with my family. Next year, while my parents and little sisters are down in Moab or at the dunes, I will be working in Kaysville or going to class in Ogden. I may be living at home for my first year of college, but life is going to become very seperate from my family. The whole idea is at once liberating and frightening. I am not sure if I know how to live a life that is completely my own, if that makes any sense.

My life has become very complicated lately. Not in a dramatic sense, I just have so much going on in so many different areas of my life. Aside from the reaching the end of high school and contemplating how different my relationship with my family is going to become, I have also become very involved in my job as of late. I have been talking to my managers more than ever before and working hard to find how just how it is that I need to improve. When I started working there, I didn't really mind that other people were getting promoted and I seemed to be going nowhere. However, there seems to be an upcoming opportunity for me. If I can step it up a little and show the powers that be that I am deserving, I could very well see myself being promoted within the next six months. It is a very cool idea.

Do you know what the best part about my life is right now? I am not trying to compete with anyone in anything. That includes myself. I am working to be better in all aspects of my life but I am not being overly obsessive about it. I really am content with myself and the way I am living my life. I am satisfied with how I have planned my future and while I am ready to start college and move on to the next stage of my life, I am not horribly anxious to get there. I am not depending on anyone or anything else to create my happiness. I have tried that before and it does not work. The only way to be truly content with yourself is to create those positive thoughts and situations for yourself.

This is the idea that I am living by right now. For the moment, it is working.


"No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change."

- Barbara de Angelis