Transitions

As 2012 came to an end and we moved into the new year, I found myself thinking a lot about what I would start off my year blogging about. I've written a couple of drafts that discuss all of the things that the year taught me and all of the ways that my life changed. Those things are important and they're true... But I feel like I have already said so much about all of that. Those are the things that I write about all of the time. I am a person who is perpetually looking behind her and into the past. Why is that?

All I know is that sometime during the last year I have found myself struggling to move into a future that is really, really undefined. I have given myself the idea that what I am doing is progressing, but I'm not really. I have hopes, dreams, and ideas that create the illusion of progress... But am I really doing anything differently?

I go to school. I go to work. I sometimes clean my bedroom. Every once in a while a friend will reveal themselves from the woodwork and I'll spend a couple of days socializing. There is absolutely no difference between my actions now and my actions in high school. My mind is different. My outlook on life is different. My actions are the same. How is that progress?

I feel like I'm so stuck in this pattern. I think I may have reached a limit as far as progress is concerned with my life as it is now. I need to put myself in a new situation somehow. I need to remove myself from the old patterns that I have found myself in and find some room to grow. I just... Have no idea where to start.

So my New Year's Resolution this year is less about changing myself and more about putting myself out into the world more. I want to move out of my house and reach the independence that doing so will allow me. I want to pay off my car so that I can put even more money away for my future. I want to meet new people and forge new relationships. I feel like 2012 was all about changing the way I saw myself and the rest of the world. 2013 is going to be the next phase. I'll get there eventually, right?