Transitions

As 2012 came to an end and we moved into the new year, I found myself thinking a lot about what I would start off my year blogging about. I've written a couple of drafts that discuss all of the things that the year taught me and all of the ways that my life changed. Those things are important and they're true... But I feel like I have already said so much about all of that. Those are the things that I write about all of the time. I am a person who is perpetually looking behind her and into the past. Why is that?

All I know is that sometime during the last year I have found myself struggling to move into a future that is really, really undefined. I have given myself the idea that what I am doing is progressing, but I'm not really. I have hopes, dreams, and ideas that create the illusion of progress... But am I really doing anything differently?

I go to school. I go to work. I sometimes clean my bedroom. Every once in a while a friend will reveal themselves from the woodwork and I'll spend a couple of days socializing. There is absolutely no difference between my actions now and my actions in high school. My mind is different. My outlook on life is different. My actions are the same. How is that progress?

I feel like I'm so stuck in this pattern. I think I may have reached a limit as far as progress is concerned with my life as it is now. I need to put myself in a new situation somehow. I need to remove myself from the old patterns that I have found myself in and find some room to grow. I just... Have no idea where to start.

So my New Year's Resolution this year is less about changing myself and more about putting myself out into the world more. I want to move out of my house and reach the independence that doing so will allow me. I want to pay off my car so that I can put even more money away for my future. I want to meet new people and forge new relationships. I feel like 2012 was all about changing the way I saw myself and the rest of the world. 2013 is going to be the next phase. I'll get there eventually, right?

November = NaNoWriMo

November is Nation Novel Writing Month (also known as NaNoWriMo.) I've been participating for years now, ever since my older sister, Wendy, told me about it. The goal is to write a 50k word novel in 30 days. I have never managed to write more than 20k. However, I always have so much fun. Last year, NaNo was the only time where I actually sat down to write. I had a lot more time for these things in high school. I was working a lot less. I didn't really hang out with friends as much. I was taking classes that required me to write. These days I don't really do any creative writing.

There are a couple problems with this year's NaNo, though. First of all, I have a paper due five days into November. A fairly large paper. Second of all, the semester wraps up not that long after the end of the month. That means that I will have a lot of assignments due toward the end. I also have no idea what I'm going to be writing about. I've had a few more ideas, but nothing definite yet.

So I've adjusted my goal. Do I think I'll be able to write 50k words this month? Probably not. Do I think that I can start a project that will be 50k words by the end of December? Well, it's much more likely.

An Unforgettable Night

But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With Grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

- "After the Storm" by Mumford & Sons

I'm sharing these lyrics tonight largely because I just got back from seeing M&S in concert. However, I have loved these lyrics since I first heard them (less than six months ago.) They mean a lot to me because I have had some moments in my life where I just felt like there was no way and no reason for me to get through all the rough patches. These lyrics are hope. They are the light at the end of the tunnel. These lyrics are what I wish I could tell my fourteen and fifteen and sixteen year old self because I think they hold a powerful lesson. Not that I would have listened, but still.

I plan to write a very lengthy and detailed post about my first concert at some point tomorrow. It is an experience that I need on paper or online for the rest of my life. It is almost 2 AM, though, and I just got home. So for tonight, I am going to bed.

I leave you with a few lines from my favorite song (which I screamed the entirety of at the top of my lungs:)

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,

But you say that's exactly how this Grace thing works.

It's not the long walk home that will change this heart,

But the welcome I receive with the restart.

- "Roll Away Your Stone" by Mumford & Sons

My Sisters Are the Best

A month without writing anything and then two posts in as many days... That is so me.

I just barely got home from some time at my grandma's house. My mom decided that we needed to take some of the humongous zucchini from her garden over to them so that they could also enjoy the deliciousness. The awesome thing about evenings at my grandma's house (other than spending much enjoyed time with them) is that the drive home often inspires some great thoughts. I think it has something to do with the open farm land that goes on almost forever. Just at the horizon there is this great line of city lights that goes across the valley. It is so, so beautiful.

Tonight I found myself thinking about the fact that my baby sisters start high school in less than a month. It still seems so strange for me, sometimes, to think that I actually made it out of high school. That period of my life seemed so vast and insurmountable at the time. I was such a different person from the time I entered that school to the time I left it. Honestly, 95% of the things I learned were not part of the curriculum. Those three years were such an awkward time for me. I was constantly trying to change myself and make myself into these different ideas of who I should be. I think I came out an even better version of myself than I could have ever imagined. The friendships that endured are ones that I don't think I ever would have guessed at first either.

I'm excited for Abby and Linzie. At the beginning of September they will be starting on an awesome journey and I have a feeling that they are going to be so much more successful at it than I was. I am so incredibly proud of those two. Seriously. I look up to my littlest sisters so much. They are so organized and determined and they have their priorities straight in a way that I never did in high school and I still struggle with now. They won't learn as many things as I did the hard way. I think they'll make great friends from the beginning and I'm sure there will be some drama, but I know they'll handle it well.

Basically, my baby sisters are growing up and that's so weird to me because I already consider them as successful young adults because that's how they act. They constantly amaze me and are my heroes.

Seriously.

<3

(PS My little sister, Ashley, started her senior year of high school today. I can't believe we're all getting so old!)

I Have Really Bad Luck

Cars are important. Without cars, many of us would not be able to get to work or school. We would not be able to visit family or friends. We would find it a lot more difficult to go to the store. For me, having a car has always been a huge part of my independence. I remember being in junior high and having to ask my mom for a ride home from my various activities every single day. Considering my mom was always around at the time, I didn't consider this a huge deal. In fact, I definitely took her for granted on that front. The second that the idea of me being able to drive became a reality, though, it became something that was absolutely necessary.

I have only actually had my license for a little under three years. My mom didn't want us starting to drive in the middle of the winter, so Carley and I didn't get our licenses until about six months after our sixteenth birthday (a number that seemed so much larger back then.) We each actually got cars a few months before we had our licenses, though. My parents bought three: a Toyota Camry for Carley, a Toyota Celica for me, and a Honda Civic for Emily. The thing about the Celica was that it was a project for Bill. It needed a LOT of work. In the mean time, since Emily wasn't going to have her license for over a year, I was to drive the Civic. It was a cute little car and I absolutely loved it. I made mix cds to listen to while I drove to school and to work. I showed it off to my friends. I came up with any excuse possible to go somewhere, anywhere, on my own.

All of this happened in a week.

Because exactly a week to the hour after I received my driver's license, this happened:

It was probably the scariest moment of my life and I've learned more from it than anything else that has ever happened to me. In fact, I learn more things about myself and about life from that accident all the time. Every time I remember what happened I realize something that I was blind to in the past. That's simply part of growing up, I'm sure, but it just proves that even the lowest moments in our lives can become events that we are at least slightly grateful for. I'm glad I had the chance to learn the things that being in a car accident and its aftermath taught me. I'm glad that I continue to learn from it. I'm glad that it will probably always still have things to teach me.

So that is what happened to my first car (even though it wasn't really mine.)

After that, I went about a year without having a vehicle. Since I had wrecked the Civic, the Celica would go to Emily and I would have to find a way to pay for my own insurance. I can't say that I was a very pleasant person to be around back then. I spent a lot of time complaining about how I wasn't doing anything with my life while doing absolutely nothing to fix that. Eventually my dad gave me this car that had been a part of the family for quite a long time (this is the only picture I have of it):

For a long time, all the van did was sit on the street outside of our house. I did manage to get hired by Boondocks eventually, though. Having money meant that I could finally afford insurance and gas and everything else that went with having my own transportation. The van was a great vehicle for me for about six months. Once winter hit, though, it proved to not be such a great car. It turned out that whenever it snowed, water or something would get up into the car and the belt would slip off, leaving me without power steering and overheating the engine. After one too many times of me ending up home in tears (I was incredibly lucky that I was on my way home and fairly close every time it happened), my parents decided that the van was not a safe car for me and we sold it. 

I didn't go nearly as long without a vehicle this time. About a month after we sold the van, Bill found the Maxima for me. It was a great little car that was fairly cheap compared to others that we had been looking at. It required a bit of work before I could register and drive it. I wasn't sure about it at first, but once I began driving it, I fell in love with that little car. In fact, I've practically lived out of that thing for the last year. 

I was driving home a couple of weeks ago, stopped at a stop sign and about to cross a busy intersection when there was a loud thunk. I tried to keep going regardless, but the maxima wouldn't move. It was like I had put the car in neutral. In the end, I had to call my grandma to pick me up and a guy helped me push the car into a parking lot while I waited for her. Bill took it in to see if there was any way it would be worth it to get it fixed, but I had already figured that I would need a new car. At least while I was in between vehicles this time I would still have a way to get around. I've been borrowing Bill's truck for a couple of weeks now.

This is where I interject with just how much I appreciate everything that my parents do for me. Every single time I have issues with a car, my mom and Bill jump in and help me out. I admit that I haven't always been as appreciative about it as I should be. Still, my parents continue to support me through every single vehicle problem I have (as well as every other challenge in my life.) They are awesome. In fact, they are buying this car for me and letting me make payments to them instead of getting a loan or waiting to save up money for it:

They say it looks like me and they think I will love it. I was a little nervous about it at first, but I trust my parents completely and told them that I would be comfortable with whatever car Bill thought would be best. Honestly, every day I think about it I get a little bit more excited. It's a cute car, is it not? And I have always wanted a jeep. Even if this isn't necessarily what I was thinking at the time. I just can't wait to have a car that is mine again.

Hopefully I'll have better luck with this one.

Nostalgia

Lifted by wings

light as air

down a worn path

hidden in

a shroud of trees.

Patches of bright

yellow sunlight appear

in the darkness,

filling the air

with a warmth as

old as time.

The touch of it

a mere whisper

against callused

skin.

Wings carry too far

and too close

in one instant.

Uncomfortable

and

comforted.

Together

and

apart.

Sort of a Train Piece

Remember last year when I was writing a bunch of short stories about people on trains? Well, I found myself writing another one of them the other day. After about a week and five different beginnings, I've come up with something that is really unlike the pieces I wrote last year. I think the length of this could end up being more like the stories that I was writing in junior high. It is kind of inspired by thoughts and decisions that I am making in my life right now. It's not incredibly original and is probably full of cliched ideas. I'm loving it, though. It's been a while since I've truly been this into writing something.


Anyway, here's what I have of it so far. Let me know what you think.


There were a lot of things that Melanie Parker would change about her life if given the chance. Like every other person on the planet, she had made choices she was not proud of. It wasn't often, but she sometimes gave in and let herself be consumed by the 'what ifs' that plagued her mind. That wasn't unusual, though. Melanie was positive that everyone wondered at times what their life would be like had they chosen to take a different path.

Melanie was also certain that everyone had a moment that changed everything. Most people didn't acknowledge it, but the moment was there all the same. It was the fork in the road. Sometimes the choices were clear and a conscious decision was made. Other times, like with Melanie, the other option was hidden, a dirt path covered with bushes and hard to find if you were not looking for it.

The soft whir of the speeding train had lulled her into these thoughts. She stared out the window at the passing scenery, one hand holding the book in her lap open while she lost herself in the warm colors of the falling leaves outside her window.

It would be nice to get home for a little while, Melanie thought. She needed to get away from the serious world she had created for herself and get back to the familiar silliness that her family and her hometown.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" A tall man with dark brown hair and sharp blue eyes pointed to the seat across from her.

Startled from her thoughts, Melanie shook her head. "Of course not." She hadn't even realized that the train was stopped, she had been so focused on the musings of her overactive mind.

The man sat down, setting his black leather shoulder bag on the seat next to him and taking off his hat. Melanie tried not to stare, but the man's piercing eyes and mysterious demeanor drew her in. He caught her gaze after settling himself and she quickly turned away.

The train was moving again as Melanie turned back to the window, too distracted to continue her thoughts. She fought the urge to look back at the man sitting across from her. She wished she could start a conversation with him without seeming too nosy or strange.

"Headed into the country?" The man asked, not seeming to have the same social inhibitions as Melanie.

It's pretty rough right now. This is just the general idea that I have written out at the moment. I have a lot more plot to this than my train pieces usually have. I almost feel like this could tie them all together, though. It would be great to get some opinions or ideas if anyone cares to share. :)

So Different, Yet the Same

Parking at Weber is often ridiculous. In fact, if you arrive anywhere between 8:01 and 11:19, you are typically going to spend up to an hour driving through parking lots looking for someone is leaving right that second. I was one of the people who did this several times a week until I realized that it is so much faster just to park at the Dee Events Center and take the shuttle to canvas. That is where I parked today.

After getting off of the shuttle, I noticed that the walkway headed toward the Union Building had white and purple balloons lining it every few feet. I was confused until I saw a sign saying "Wildcat Welcome" with an arrow directing people toward the UB. I was then hit with a realization. Today was Wildcat Welcome. How have we managed to get through an entire month of 2012 with me only barely realizing it? It's crazy really. I remember going to wildcat welcome last year with Carley and our friend Claire. We were all so excited.

Now, a year later, and Claire is in California. Carley and I are going to Weber on very different schedules and having completely different experiences. But back then we were all in the same place; we were all Layton High seniors with big dreams and hardly any clue what we were actually doing. I think that could really describe most of the people that I knew from my senior class at the time.

Where did the last year go? Somewhere between my own Wildcat Welcome and now I managed to graduate high school, work through the drama that is Boondocks during the summer, and survive my first semester of college. I feel like all of this went by in a blur.

And guess what?

I still feel exactly like that Layton High senior with big dreams and no idea what I'm actually going to do with my life.

How is it that some parts of our lives leave us feeling like a completely different person and yet other, more eventful, periods of time end with us feeling like the exact same person we were? It's almost as if I've been standing on stage. The scenery behind me is constantly changing, yet I continue to stand there, looking into the audience with absolutely no idea of what is going on.

The more likely possibility is that I just haven't taken the time to notice all the ways that I've changed in the past year. I'm sure if I spent one day with any of my friends from high school (minus Kara who is the only one I'm still really in contact with) they would be able to tell me any number of things that seem different. Or maybe not. Maybe the changes of the last year were so subtle that they aren't easily noticed right now. Maybe those changes haven't really been completed yet.

mL would certainly be able to point out differences in myself that I haven't noticed. The big difference there is that I haven't seen her in nearly three years. I was going through such huge changes in my life around the time when she moved to Texas that I'm not even sure if we'd be compatible friends anymore. Who knows how much she changed during that time frame.

Anyway, as you can see, my brain wasn't really focused on Human Development of The Short Life of Francis Macombre today. I spent most of my classes thinking about how different things are now and how not different I feel.

Happy February, everyone!

New Year, New Goals

I meant to get around to writing this much sooner. I mean, four whole days into the new year and I haven't written anything?!? That may be a first. Here's the thing, though, I don't spend nearly as much time on the computer these days. It's one of the many pieces my New Year's resolution.

I believe I've talked about New Year's resolutions in the past. At the end of 2009 I talked about writing a journal because I wouldn't have to be careful with my thoughts. Two years later, I realize that what I should have actually been working toward (and keeping a journal could still have been my method of doing this) would be making my thoughts more positive. No matter how much I have denied it in the past, I have always been very focused on what goes wrong with my life. This way of being has contributed to bad moods, grades lower than I am capable of, and more than one lost friendship.

What does all this have to do with my 2012 New Year's resolution?

It all begins with a desk. Or, more correctly, it all begins with the lack of a desk.

All through junior high and high school, I would always do my homework (when I actually did it at all) around my kitchen table with my sisters. This worked out well mostly because, in high school and junior high, I never actually had to put much effort into my work. It all came easily to me. What were a few distractions when I could probably do the math problems in my sleep anyway?

One of the things that I learned last semester was that college works requires concentration. Unlike in high school or junior high, my professors are not going to accept the bare minimum from me. I have to work hard on every assignment, every paper. I have to read the textbooks and retain the material. I have to be able to focus. Working around the kitchen table just does not encourage anything of the sort. So I asked my mom for a desk for Christmas.

She actually had me looking at them with her once or twice. We swapped links to websites while she was at work but could never find anything that looked like it would work in my room. I figured that I probably wouldn't be getting a desk for Christmas.

Guess what?

I got the coolest desk ever.

Anyway, the night that I got my desk set up in my room I had my mom come and see it. I mentioned how I thought my walls were boring since I finally took all of my old Science Olympiad medals down. The comment that she made is really what got me thinking about my New Year's resolution in an odd way. She said that most teenagers have posters up on their walls. Simple enough, right? Not that strange of a comment. I have never had posters on my walls and that is kind of weird. I decided then that I needed to get some.

In my search for good posters for my room, I came across the Dalai Lama's A to ZEN of Life. After reading the poster, I decided that I must have it. Each letter of the alphabet is represented by a saying such as "remember that silence is sometimes the best answer" and "stop procrastinating." There are twenty six of them (obviously) and I plan to focus on three of them a month. At the same time, I have a bunch of more physical goals that I plan to work on each month (i.e. going to the gym twice a week.)

My New Year's resolution could be considered one thing (becoming a healthier and happier person) or it could be split into well over 30. Still, I have broken it down into a calendar of goals, an idea that I stole from my friend Jocelyn.

Four days in and I can tell that it is going to be tough. I've been stuck in a not-so-great place for a while with no attempt to really change my thoughts or behavior. This is the year, though. It's time for me to be happy with who I am. For real. No doubt. No questions. No need for reassurance from others.