So I managed to finish another revision today. This one is really different from the original. I'm not sure what I think of it yet, and I'm sure this one will have even more revisions this summer. It mixes my original intention for the piece with my new concept for it in a way that still seems slightly awkward to me. I more than doubled it in length, and I'm not even sure if you can really consider them the same piece. Still, here it is.
"Why can't I move? Why can't I force myself from this spot? I mean, I'm standing here staring at a train!" She exclaimed into her phone. Why did she do this to herself, she wondered as she wrapped her free arm around her stomach. "It's not even the same train station he left from, and yet, I can't leave. I feel like maybe if I stand here long enough, he'll come back. Is that crazy?"
"I don't think you have quite reached crazy yet." Her sister's voice reassured her over the phone. "Obsessive, definitely... A little unreasonable, but you have not been trying to track him down like you originally said you were going to, so I think you may still be sane."
"I just wish he could have forgiven me, you know? I mean, we both made mistakes. I didn't jump on a train just to get away from them, though. I dealt with my problems." The anger that she had worked so hard to force down was now beginning to creep back up her throat. "He didn't even let anyone know where he was going! I know we weren't speaking, but don't you think I deserved something from him at least?" She felt like she was begging for some kind of reassurance that she had been wronged.
"Honestly?" Her sister's voice was hesitant. "I don't think you did. You hurt him just as much as he hurt you, sis. I think peace was really all either of you could expect from each other and he tried to give that to you."
In the station, the young woman took a deep breath, unable to deny the truth to her sister's words. "I know," she admitted quietly.
"Listen, I have to go. Mom's waiting for me. Try not to focus on it, alright? You will be fine once you stop dwelling on all the bad blood. Try to think of it as a fresh start. You still deserve happiness. Even he wouldn't deny you that."
"Yeah. I'll try. Thanks for listening." She considered her sister's words, turning them around and around in her mind.
"No problem. That's what sisters are for. Love you."
"Love you, too. Tell mom I said hi." When her sister disconnected she flipped her phone shut, pulling both arms tight around herself, trying to hold it all together. Her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to forget the distance separating her from everyone that had ever mattered to her.
She regretted the silence that had been her final moments with him. They had left their known world for this one, together, looking for a new start, but she had been so cold in the end. She should have tried to talk to him. Instead of months of silence, there could have been words. They could have fixed it, she knew that now, too late.
What he had seen was that she showed no sorrow for the events that tore them apart. She had been so desperate to keep herself safe and together that she had become a stone. Maybe if she had let him in, he would have been able to forgive her and she would not be left watching trains come and go from an empty station.
She had left everyone else behind for a chance with him and she had messed it all up without looking at the damage she had caused. Opening her eyes, she took one more deep breath. She turned to leave the station, realizing what she should have known all along.
Without him, she had nothing but a fresh start because without him by her side... She was completely alone to pick up the pieces.
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