Lonely Moon

She watches the rain

through the elegant window,

falling endlessly to the ground,

forever graceful.

The subtle moon, grey

beneath a blanket of clouds,

shines softly on the earth,

calling for the broken memories

lying dormant in the

thoughtful minds below.

Tragically, they have been

tossed aside. Lost is the

instinctive wisdom of the

flawed sky against the

ancient trees.

So, I realize that I haven't posted any real writing in a while. This is not because I have not been writing. Quite on the contrary. I have been writing a lot. There has just been a lot going on and I have not gotten around to putting anything up. I will be putting some more up soon (hopefully.) This is just a piece that I wrote for my Creative Writing class that I will also be reading at a school performance tonight. 

Life Update

See that countdown at the very bottom of the page? Notice as the numbers rapidly decrease, bringing me ever closer to the culmination of my high school career. That is my life right now. It seems as if that countdown controls almost everything that I do. Every day I wake up and think "only ..... days until graduation." I go to school and tell myself that I can make it. High school may be driving me crazy but I am so close to being done! It will all be over soon enough and I will be able to look back at it all fondaly and say that it has been worth it.

It's not just me.

The entire senior class seems to be operating in similar fashion these days. Our teachers constantly remind us that we need to remain strong. We are almost at the finish line and it would be ridiculous to stop when we are standing right in front of it.  The newspaper staff is finishing up our fourth issue and beginning our brainstorms for our final paper, our "Senior Edition." There are posters advertising our senior bash in the hallway. Everything is working its way to this single point in our lives. I have always known that graduations are important, but until recently I had no real sense of how pivotal they really are.

It is hard to describe how I am feeling about life right now. So much is changing for me. Last week I went on what is very possibly my last Spring Break camping trip with my family. Next year, while my parents and little sisters are down in Moab or at the dunes, I will be working in Kaysville or going to class in Ogden. I may be living at home for my first year of college, but life is going to become very seperate from my family. The whole idea is at once liberating and frightening. I am not sure if I know how to live a life that is completely my own, if that makes any sense.

My life has become very complicated lately. Not in a dramatic sense, I just have so much going on in so many different areas of my life. Aside from the reaching the end of high school and contemplating how different my relationship with my family is going to become, I have also become very involved in my job as of late. I have been talking to my managers more than ever before and working hard to find how just how it is that I need to improve. When I started working there, I didn't really mind that other people were getting promoted and I seemed to be going nowhere. However, there seems to be an upcoming opportunity for me. If I can step it up a little and show the powers that be that I am deserving, I could very well see myself being promoted within the next six months. It is a very cool idea.

Do you know what the best part about my life is right now? I am not trying to compete with anyone in anything. That includes myself. I am working to be better in all aspects of my life but I am not being overly obsessive about it. I really am content with myself and the way I am living my life. I am satisfied with how I have planned my future and while I am ready to start college and move on to the next stage of my life, I am not horribly anxious to get there. I am not depending on anyone or anything else to create my happiness. I have tried that before and it does not work. The only way to be truly content with yourself is to create those positive thoughts and situations for yourself.

This is the idea that I am living by right now. For the moment, it is working.


"No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change."

- Barbara de Angelis

The Most Amazing Feeling

So last night came pretty close to being the best night of my life. Why? Well, I think I will start from the very beginning.

For about six years, now, I have been involved in Science Olympiad. This is basically a competition where a team of up to 15 students participates in science related events. We start preparing in October for the competition which occurs in March. In junior high, this competition was important. It was the most important event of every school. Why? Because Fairfield Junior High has not lost in 16 years. This number is still going. They placed first in B Division last night and will be going to nationals in May.

Since I left junior high, however, Science Olympiad has not been as big of a deal. I believe that this stems from the fact that, in the last 12 years, Layton High has only been to nationals three times. Davis High, our biggest rival, has gone the other nine times. We are always close in the runnings to them, though. Last year, we did not even consider preparing until the two weeks before competition and we came in fifth. Our coaches were proud of us but made sure that we were aware of how much better we could have done if we had started practices months earlier.

This year we worked harder. I am really only a coach, myself, but I tried harder to go to meetings. There were too many seniors for the team and I only have one event that I am seriously into. So I volunteered to be the alternate. I coach two of my friends on my one event and I participated in one of the trial events.

Yesterday morning my alarm went off at seven o'clock. It was a Saturday and it was early, which meant that I was not particularly happy, but I was ready to spend the day with my friends, listening as they came to and from their events, trying to decide if we had any real chance. By the end of the day I thought that we would be receiving a trophy for sure, but I did not think that we would be able to beat Davis. I was not torn up about that. I do not think that any of us really were. We had improved from last year and that was the important thing to remember.

Kara, Tom, Nicole and I were participating in an event called Pentathalon just for fun that afternoon. I needed something to do, but anything I was on could not be counted toward the team score. I was alright with that. I helped the team where I could throughout the day, that was enough for me (though I really do wish I had been able to compete and add to my collection of medals from junior high.) After that, we had just under four hours to kill until the award ceremony. We went to lunch and then proceeded to play games like "Psychiatrist" and a my friends' version of "I'm going on a trip."

During the awards several of our team members kept a tally of how "WE" were doing versus "THEM." Both teams were called on stage a lot, but there were others whose names were being heard a lot as well. By the end of the individual event awards we were fairly sure that we had beaten Davis, but we did not think either of us were going to nationals.

As usual, I do not really remember the rankings of any of the other teams. Northridge got eighth and my team was happy for them. We have plenty of friends who go to Northridge and one of our old Fairfield team mates is on their team as well. When they had announce the fourth place team and we still had not heard our name, the entire team leaned forward in our seats. This was it. We had made it to the top three. No matter what happened from this point, we would have been happy. We had improved from the year before and we had fun while we did it.

The announcer was painfully slow at this point and I am fairly sure that she was doing it specifically to torture us. Eventually, though, she continued. "Third place C Division goes to team (at this point none of us were really breathing, at least I wasn't) C-1 Davis High School!"

I think we just about died. Our screams were even louder than theirs as they walked up on to the stage. I was happy for them. Most of their team was not as happy, though. It makes sense to me. For a few of them, just like me, it was their last year of Science Olympiad and not making it to nationals was a big blow. They are used to winning and I think they had just expected that they would. They did a good job, though. Third place is better than 33 other teams did last night.

Anyway, after Davis High came off of the stage with their trophy we all moved forward in our seats again. We would be standing up to go on stage in a moment to receive our second place trophy. The world was a beautiful place. Behind me, a woman leaned toward us and congratulated us on beating Davis High.

The announcer looked down at her papers once again and then looked back up at us. "Second place for C Division goes to the team from UCAS high school!"

We erupted. There is no adequate way to describe what happened at that moment. Try to imagine it. UCAS had received second place. We had more medals and more mentions than Davis, which meant that we had beaten them. Conclusion? Not only had we beaten Davis, but by some miracle we had gotten first place. Not a single one of us had expected it.

UCAS went on stage and received their trophy while the Layton High team sat anxiously in their seats. We wanted our trophy. We had to stand up and get rid of this adrenaline we were feeling. The extreme desire to scream was filling all of us. Now if only she would call our name.

The lady sitting behind me congratulated us again. I thanked her and grinned. This was unbelievable.

"The 2011 state Science Olympiad winner, who will be going to nationals, is C-25 Layton High School!" We all jumped to our feet. Even our coaches were screaming and crying with us. We got on stage and everyone made sure to touch the trophy. We were in shock. None of us had believed it was possible. The Davis High team stood at their seats as they applauded us, but all I could think was that we had done it. By some miracle we were going to nationals.

Winning last night was better than winning for Fairfield ever was. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of every Science Olympiad team I have been a part of. I have been to nationals twice and I have two national medals. It is an amazing experience. However, winning with Fairfield was always expected. We never thought for a second that we would not be getting on a plane in May to head for the national competition. Standing on that stage with the first place trophy had been a given.

Not a single one of us (other than Zach) had truly believed that we would get first last night. We would have been happy with whatever we did. I don't believe that anyone in that room thought that we would do it. It was that feeling of complete surprise that I will never forget. It is that feeling of shock that made last night better than winning for Fairfield. I don't even know how to describe it.

All I can say is that we owe so much to the people that got us here.

Missed Calls and Broken Promises

It happens every time:
the buildup,
the excitement.

Months of seperation
turn instantly into
weeks of eagerness.

Soon, the day has come.
We are together once more,
if only for the moment.

We talk and we laugh,
making the most
of the short hours,
but all too soon it is
time for us to part.

My eyes shine,
the tears threatening
to spill over.

I long for one more
hug as I watch you
walking away.

You don't seem to
notice how much
I already miss you.

Our time now over,
we slip casually back
into our routine of
missed phone calls
and broken promises.

Contentment and Loneliness

Contentment

She never wanted for anything. Since she was born, she has been happy with her life and those who are in it. To her parents, she was the golden child, never complaining and always listening to instructions. They never expected to have any problems with her as she grew up, but every teenager goes through rough patches as they try to discover who they are.

She met Loneliness when she was fourteen and, for a while, there were no similarities between them. However, when they were sixteen they became friends. Contentment found herself longing for conversations with him. When she was not talking to him, she felt an incredibly unfamiliar emotion. Until now, she had never once desired anything.

Her parents try to point out that their relationship was not good for her. He may be gaining from having her around – he does not have other friends – but she was no longer the calm and happy girl she had always been, and that worries them.

In the end, she does not make the choice to stop being friends. Loneliness simply draws away from her. She had always feared that he would, it is in his very nature, but it upsets her anyway. For a long time she was not herself, always trying to find him again in the empty corners of her once full life. She ends up disappointed.

Every trial eventually ends, though. Contentment is no exception. After a long period of struggle, she finally finds herself again. She finds it in music and dance. She finds it in new friendship. She grows up and realizes that she does not need anything more than what she already has.




Loneliness

He had always been alone. His parents both traveled for work and his siblings were all so much older than he was. The babysitters changed on a daily basis and he learned not to grow attached to any of them.

School was difficult for him. None of the other children were his friends and he spent recesses imagining great adventures of his own as he observed his peers creating them together. He had never known anything different, but he wished that he had.

He soon learned that it was much easier to pretend that he fit in than to be outcast from his peers. He found a group of kids his age who were willing to let him follow them around the playground. He was still doing this in junior high when he met Contentment. He saw how happy she was with her own life, noticed that she never had any complaints and that she had more friends than he could ever dream of having.

Their relationship nearly broke her and almost saved him. For once, he had a friend who wanted to spend time with him. He craved her attention and talked to her all of the time, but it was a challenge for him as well. He was busy one day and did not have time to spend with her. It soon became all too easy just to forget about her and go on with his strange new life.

Before he realized what had happened, Loneliness was back to the life he had led for so many years. He was alone. No one spoke to him and he spoke to no one in return. He was the one who was left broken and he had not even noticed when the destruction had begun.


These are an assignment for my creative writing class. We had to turn abstract words into people. I kind of worked in the opposite direction. I started using two real people and a real situation and then turned them into abstracts.

Wanna know the great thing about life?

When my dad moved to California almost three years ago, I no longer talked to him very much and I saw him even less. He recently(ish) moved to Oregon and it amuses me that since he seems to be a little bit closer (I'm not certain if Bend, Oregon is closer to Utah than where he was in Cali or not), we seem to talk a little more. He and I have been exchanging messages on Facebook about our lives and how far (in my opinion) or how close (in dad's opinion) March, and subsequently his visit to Salt Lake, is.

However, there are certain things that I just don't get from an internet conversation with my father. His internet voice is very different from that of our face to face conversations and that is something that I always miss. When I was younger I used to spend nearly every weekend with him. We'd spend two incredibly packed days with my sisters and then he would drive us all home. Most of the conversations that he and I had occurred in the van as we were heading to Salt Lake or going back home.

There is one thing that he always used to say to me when I was having a hard day. It is something that I was thinking about as I was brushing my teeth a little while ago. I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but it really helps me tonight after the week I have been having.

"Wanna know the great thing about life?" He would always ask me and I would never really answer, but looked at him or ahead at the road in front of us. "You can wake up tomorrow and start all over again."

I know that it is not something that my dad came up with - in fact, the idea is very cliched - but tonight it was exactly what I needed. Today did not go how I expected it to and this week has not been exactly easy. However, when I am done reading this blog I will go to sleep. Then tomorrow morning I will wake up and have the chance to start fresh. I can wake up tomorrow morning determined to be happy and have a good day at work. I can wake up and not worry about all of the bad things this week.

I can wake up tomorrow and start all over again.

Dad, I don't know if you read my blog anymore, but thank you for teaching me that no matter how badly I feel I messed up in a day, I can always wake up and choose to make the right choices and say the right things tomorrow. I love you and miss you so much, and I can't wait to see you in March.

Strength in Family

"You've got to know it will be OK. It may not be OK right now, but it will be," Madey Slaughter

This wise young girl had so much to teach everyone around her. Now, a week after she left this earth for a place where she could be healthy again, I look to her words for guidance.

My own little sister, Ashley, found out that she has a problem with her heart yesterday. This is not something completely new to my family. My little sister, Linzie, went through something very similar. However, I'll admit that I'm a little scared. I don't know any of the details. In fact, no one knows exactly what is going to happen at this point. My mom knows the most about this kind of thing and reassures everyone that Ashley will be fine. I don't see why anyone would think otherwise at this point.

I think this would be easier for all of us if Ashley lived closer, though.

As my mom said today in her blog, there have never been any "steps" in our family. Ashley has always been my sister as much as all of the others and Bill has always been another dad to me. We are a family through whatever trials we face.

It will all be OK, probably sooner than any of us thinks right now.

I know that Ashley will be all right. Whatever fears any of us have right now will be erased and

Revelations from 2010 & More

Revelations: 2010

There is laughter in mourning.

Sometimes, awkward moments become

fond memories.

No matter how old I get, coloring Easter

eggs is entertaining.

I could try harder to enjoy life.

Living in the moment is often more

important than planning the future.

Nothing beats the freedom of summer.

The future is bright.

Singing loudly with friends can

conquer nearly any sadness.

No matter how much you think you know,

there is always something that will shock you.

Dressing in silly costumes is not always

just for children.

I do not want to leave home

as much as I say I do.

Snow is beautiful.

I wrote this in my Creative Writing class yesterday. Basically, I chose one thing that I learned from each month and put it into a poem... I thought it turned out pretty well and that it is a decent representation of the past year of my life. 

My 2010 was pretty good. Sure, I had problems. However, I've had great cause to evaluate my problems and my life in the last couple of days. Compared to others that I know, my problems are nothing. There are so many other people out there who are dealing with issues that are so much larger then mine. 

I don't think that I could ever have the strength that the Slaughter family shows daily. Their daughter, Hillary, is a very good friend of mine who I have mentioned before. Since they discovered that her little sister, Madey, had cancer a year ago, Hillary has shown incredible strength. A week ago, they discovered that the chemo Madey has been going through is not working. Still, Hillary continues to show her strength. There are moments when I can just catch a glimpse of her pain but she isn't letting it consume her. She is my hero in every way, and  I love her so much. She is like another sister to me, and if there were anything I could do to help her family, I would do it.

For now, I make sure that Hillary knows that I am thinking about her and her family daily. In fact, while I was thinking about her in Creative Writing yesterday, I wrote this:

All our hearts

are broken, but

no one sheds a tear.

We look to you

for guidance.

Your strength

controls our fear.

Hillary, I don't know if you even read my blog anymore, but I just want you to know how much I admire you. Your strength through all of this is more than I could ever have. If you or your family ever need anything, know that my family and I are there to help. We love you guys and we are always thinking about you. You are such a good friend to me and I am so lucky to have that. I am so sorry that this has happened to your family. You are all such amazing people. You have taught me so much about life.

<3

"The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it."  

~C.C. Scott

"I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains."

~Anne Frank

"It's not the years in your life that count.  It's the life in your years."  

~Abraham Lincoln 

Friendly Traditions

In my creative writing class today, we were asked to write a poem about any gift we had ever given or received. This is what I came up with:

Friendly Traditions

A small stack of letters
sits next to my bed,
evidence of a tradition
long between friends.
Every year a new one
is added to the pile,
filled with words of our friendship
that always make me smil.
Always written in the long
weeks before summer
they make the last weeks of school
seem less of a bummer.
While others are signing
yearbooks galore,
my friend and I exchange
words that mean so much more.
And during those moments
when I feel all alonge,
I read all our letters
to feel like I'm home.

Miss M. gave us a challenge to write it in the rhythm of T'was the Night Before Christmas and to make it rhyme. So I know that it's not my strongest work, but I really enjoyed writing it.

Casual Acquaintance

I met you years ago.
We were only classmates,
but I always wanted to
be your friend.

Your intelligence awed me.
I wished I could have
your creativity, your
talented mind.

I remember the day
we talked for what
seemed like hours and
I realized that we could
become great friends.

I never took the chance,
made the effort to change
our casual acquaintance
into anything more.

I thought we were
too different.

I was wrong.

Now it's too late.

If I could, I would
turn back time. A
year and a day, to when
I last saw you.

I would take the
chance, then, to show
you what I had known,
to tell you that I
looked up to you.

Everyone wants one
last day to say goodbye.



In memory of Rachel Vigil
December 1992 - December 2009

Letters

Departed friend,

You left me here,

confused and disoriented.

I’m not sure how this

all occurred. One moment

you were here, I was in

your arms, the next I

was standing by your

grave, as I am now.

There is no rewinding

this life, no way for me

to hear your voice or

feel your strong arms around

me even one more time.

I don’t know how to say

goodbye. The void that

has opened, wide between

us is one I do not know

how to cross over. It is not

yet my time to speak to

you again. For now, read

this letter, left on your

grave, and know that I

will always remember.

Love forever,

Elizabeth

 

Dearest Elizabeth,

If there were a way

to ensure that this letter

made its way into your

delicate hands, I would

find it. I want to have

the power to reassure you.

You are not the only one

disoriented, confused.

I want for nothing

more than to be near you,

to hear your laughter, not

from a distance, but right

next to my ear, a result

of time spent together.

I am with you always,

though you come to my

grave, hoping to speak to

me again. I always hear

your words, spoken out of

mourning and despair.

I’m sorry.

Always with you,

Alexander

These two poems were written for my creative writing class. The assignment was to write two letter poems. The inspiration came from the two main characters in my novel. They do kind of give away a big part of the end of the novel, but I still really liked how they turned out.

Ecstatic Dilemma

Last week I had an interview for Sterling Scholar. My interview went really well, but I was competing for the English category with two of the smartest girls I have ever met. I had no idea which of us would win in the end.

I met these two girls in junior high and we have been involved in many of the same things since then. We have all had split interests between English and Science as well as other things. We have all been really good friends. There are not two other people in all of Davis School District who I would rather compete against. I was prepared to lose and I was prepared to be happy about it. No matter who won, I would have been happy for them. They would have deserved it.

We have been anxiously awaiting the results since our interviews. Today, while I was heading to my car so that I could go to Mr. T's class at Fairfield for my internship, the announcements came on and I was informed that the list of Sterling Scholars would be posted at lunch. Luckily, Mr. T kept me super busy during the three hours I was at my internship and the time passed without me being able to freak out too much. When I got back to the school, I found myself practically racing into the building.

I wanted to check the list at the same time as Carley, who was competing for the Visual Art category. So I called her and told her to wait for me. We met at the stairs and walked up to where the list was. I couldn't even concentrate on what the list said because I was so excited, but when I finally focused enough to see what name was under the English category I saw that it was mine. I don't think I could breath just then. Then I saw that Carley had also been chosen for Visual Arts. I don't think there is any cooler thing than sharing such an accomplishment with your twin sister.

However, soon after I noticed Carley and I were going to be competing at region, I also noticed that Nicole had been chosen for Science and that, of the three of us pictured above, Hillary was the one who would not be moving on. She was also the only one who was not able to see the list for herself. She was at her internship in Salt Lake and wanted Nicole and I to let her know the results.

Herein was our dilemma. How were Nicole and I supposed to inform Hillary that, not only had her two friends been chosen for both categories she had competed in, but she had not? How were we supposed to be happy about this amazing accomplishment when our close friend was not able to share it with us? Was the right choice to just come out and tell her or let her find out on her own?

In the end we decided that, since she had asked both Nicole and I to inform her of the results, we had no other choice but to tell her. I tried calling her, hoping that an actual conversation would soften the blow a little, but I recieved no answer. After discussing it for a moment, Nicole and I decided that it would be best if both of us sent her a seperate text informing her of the results for our category.

I still don't know how Hillary will take this. I am currently sitting in my Newspaper class, hoping that she will not find our way of telling her too... I don't even know what the right word for this is. I'm torn between showing just how excited I am and feeling bad that Hillary does not get to compete for Region. I don't really know if there is a right answer or solution to this problem.

In the meantime, congratulations to everyone else who was chosen for Sterling Scholar! I know that we have all worked hard since starting high school to come to this point. There is a lot of work ahead of us, but each of us deserves what we were chosen for and I know that Layton High is going to be very well represented this year!

Overwhelmed

I say that I know certain things shouldn't matter anymore, that I don't care. But sometimes I just get overwhelmed by everything and I wish I had some of the more insignificant comforts to fall back on. Today is one of those days. I just wish there was someone that I could really tell everything. I don't think such a person truly exists, though.

This is a not-so-great poem I wrote today. I thought I would share.

You ask what is wrong and I

want to answer, freely, openly.

The answer, though, is too long,

too real to tell. I know that

you will not really care to hear it.

You do not really want to know

that I feel I am not good enough.

You have no desire to listen to

me say that I feel that there is

no one who really understands.

It is too cliché, too much of an

excuse for me to really feel.

Still, I want to tell you

everything.

Instead I keep my worries, my

insecurities to myself. They build

and build until I can no longer

stand them. I break down, unable

to resist any longer, but there is

still no one to listen.