Short and Slightly Random

So, I'm not at my happiest right now. Normally in this type of mood I would just sit around and think about how annoyed I was and how dumb it all was and all of that, but today I don't want to. Today I want to think about good things, productive things. Like... What I will get done tomorrow while avoiding the computer and other distractions:

1. Fill out my brainstorm sheet for Newspaper (which will require a bit of computer usage)

2. Clean my room to prepare for Panda coming over on Friday

3. Do my laundry (bet you didn't really care to know about that... or any of this really)

4. Read Act 1 of Julius Caesar for English

Hopefully I will get all of this done tomorrow so that I will be prepared for school on Thursday and not be in trouble come Friday. That would be nice.

Anyway, it's kind of late and I should be going to bed... Or at least reading. I hope everyone is having a great year so far and a great month and week. If not... Well... "The sun will come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that, tomorrow, there'll be sun." And there is your random but not-so-random Annie reference for the year.

"Oy with the poodles already!"

Ten brownie points to whoever gets that reference. Ha ha.

Goodnight everyone!

New... Everything.

January 11th. More than a week into the new year. Just a week until the new term begins. I'm sitting here writing on my new laptop with a new blog editing program that allows me to write and preview my posts without being on the internet. I'm also thinking about how I want to get the pictures off of my new camera and put them online. All around me I am surrounded by new, and to tell you the truth I don't mind. The main reason for that is that I am here, in my familiar home, with my family surrounding me. New things are never so bad if you have something familiar to hang on too.

This year... It feels different. Not just different from last year. Not just different in the way all new things are different. I get the feeling that big things are going to happen this year. Not just for me. Not just for those around me. I feel that this year is going to be a big year for the world. Is that dumb? I know it's kind of like... 'Well duh'. But I just think that the feeling is worth mentioning.

Isn't it? Isn't it worth mentioning when someone feels that there is something big going on? When someone has a feeling that things are going to change in a huge way. Even if they don't know how or why or whether it will be good or bad? I know that this year is going to bring about big big changes for my family. My littlest sisters will finish the sixth grade and start junior high this year. Elmo and my step sister, Shla, who lives in Georgia, will finish junior high/middle school and move on to high school. Izzy and I will get our driver's licenses. My car will hopefully get finished and Izzy will get one as well. I'll experience my first full year with my dad living in California. My half sister and my cousin will become the first people that I personally know who have graduated in my lifetime. And these are just the ones I can tell you about.

I can't say that everyone I know will still be the way they are now by the end of the year. In fact, I can probably tell you that not a single one of them will be. For my friends and my siblings there are major life changes coming around the corner. My extended family have always been and will always be mysterious to me. I will see them no more than ten times in the next year, as I have in the past. But maybe the level of communication we have reached in the last few months will help me get to know them a little bit better.

Who knows what this year is bringing us. All I can say is that 2009 is going to be a big one and I am so ready to see what it has in store for me. I am not the same person who wrote in this blog on January 13th of last year. I will not be this person in January next year. A person is constantly changing. The way I think about something today will not be the way I think about it tomorrow. Change is constant and continual. Other than gravity, I'd say it's the most consistent force in the universe.

End of 2008 Rambles...

2008... What was it for me? In truth, I'm not sure that I know. 2008 has been a year of so many things. I have changed so completely that I can't remember how it felt to be me a year ago. I've been through so much and yet there have been other years where I can point out so many more events. So maybe 2008 was not eventful. There were some firsts: my first boyfriend, my first "date" (although I'm not so sure if it really was a date...), my first published poem, my first break up, my first time driving, my first day of high school, etc. There have been good moments and bad moments alike.

Can my year be summed up by the blogs I have written? I don't think so. The reason for this might be that I have never wanted this to be a journal-y type thing. Can you tell that I've changed through the year's worth of writing? I'm sure you can. One thing I've realized through writing is that a writer's voice is constantly changing. A writer who starts something and then puts it down before coming back to it after a period of time will find that phrases that sounded perfectly right to them before now sound like something that was written by someone else in some other time and place. So looking back at my writing I can see that I am not the same as I was a year ago.

But who would want to go a whole year and not change at all? That would mean that through 365 days you let every experience you had just pass right by you. I know that I've written about change at least twice. The first time I believe I was talking about how I was not looking forward to the changes going on. The second time I was excited to see what these changes would bring me. Now... I'm not really for or against it. Change is just life. It's not good or bad. It is just something that happens.

How have I changed this year? Well I believe I'm a better person than I was at the beginning of last year. I had a boyfriend who showed me (through things we both said/did) that I was not a very nice person. I worked to change that but it took further evidence from my family for me to completely turn around. Now? Now I am much happier and I think every aspect of my life shows that. I've learned to be content with what I have and not to complain so much. I've learned that you don't have to be the best to be good and to be valued. I had, I have, some friends who are completely amazing academically. I spent a good part of this year being compared to them (at Fairfield mostly) by teachers and other students. It tore me apart for a while. I kept thinking about how horrible I was and how I needed to be more like them. I know that isn't true now. I know that there is more to my life than school. Whether I manage to get more 4.0 GPAs or not I will not be like my friends are. I'm not like that. I don't need to be.

There are so many things that have happened this year. So many things have changed me and I don't mind. Just the fact that I am still writing in this blog shows that I am more determined than I was a year ago. I had never thought that this would be something I would continue to do. In fact I'm sure I've mentioned several times before that I was sure that I wouldn't continue to write here anymore.

Anyway, I've just completely lost my train of thought, as usual, and so I'm going to go.

Make the last day of 2008 count everyone! It's been a good year! May 2009 be just as great!

So...

I haven't published a post in a while. That isn't to say that I haven't written any. Quite to the contrary, actually. I've written quite a few. I just need to finish them. I don't when that will happen, though.

Right now I'm sitting in Newspaper. Our first drafts of our December issue articles are due today and I have just finished mine. I have spent the last half hour researching statistics about the iPod and the Zune. I'm writing an opinion article on it. Unfortunately I got put on the Zune side and have to write about a product I've never used. So I've been trying to use more information than my actual opinion (considering I don't have one).

So yes. That's what I'm doing.

What's going on? Why have I not written in... Two weeks? Well, that's mostly because I've just been crazy busy. Tomorrow is my 16th birthday party that I'm throwing with KarKar and a bunch of friends. Then on Thursday is my birthday and then next weekend I'm going to my grandma's and my dad is coming to visit from California. Plus I've been working crazily with school (and what do I have to show for it? NOTHING!).

So yeah, I just thought I would update on why I haven't posted anything. I have more interesting things coming. I promise. As soon as I get around to writing them.

Anyway, adios mis amigos!

So Here I Am

Sitting in Newspaper. We're putting the final issues on the November issue and I am pretty much done with my page. I don't really have anything to do right now because of it and so I'm thinking that I'm going to blog until I find something else to do. So...

Excitement.

Ha ha.

The next few weeks are going to be AMAZING. Completely and totally. I am just so excited. (Holy crap, I sound so retarded it is not even funny (this dumb program doesn't know how to spell 'is')). So anyway, the next... six weeks... are going to be awesome.

Why?

Because. My step sister, aka Shla, is out to visit from Georgia for the week and since this is the last day of school this week that is going to be awesome. Then, this week is also Thanksgiving and so tomorrow my family is having a dinner at home and then on Thursday we are going to my grandma's house for dinner. So that will be great.

Then...

December 6th I am going to the Nutcracker with my mom, sisters, grandma, aunt, and cousin. We've been saying we were going to go since I was little and now we are FINALLY going! I am so excited for that.

Then... (Ha ha!)

December 13th is my combined sixteenth birthday party and Christmas party for me, Carley, Nicole (whose birthday is the 18th), Hillary, and Kara (whose birthday is on the 7th). That is going to be soooo great because we've invited like fifty of our friends (even though we conveniently planned it for the same day as Davis' Christmas dance and so a whole bunch of them are coming) and it's the first party I've had since I was in elementary school.

After that...

My birthday is on the 18th and I'm going to see my dad for the first time in months that weekend because it's the family Christmas party/birthday party for me. That is going to be great even though it is going to have some bad in it too.

Then of course there is Christmas on the 25 and New Years after that.

I am sooooo excited for the next couple of weeks, but I can't believe that 2008 has passed so quickly. This time last year I was crushing over my ex and he didn't even know it. We hung out everyday and were best friends. This time last year I was stressing out over school and Science Olympiad was way fun for me. Now my ex and I talk civily sometimes after having one of the biggest fights I've ever been in with anyone and we're hardly even friends anymore. Now I am taking it easy with school because the only problem I have with my classes is that I was gone for three days two weeks ago. Now I absolutely hate Science Olympiad and wish I could just quit but I'm too afraid that my Chemistry teacher would then hate me because she's my coach and that would be bad.

So I'm thinking as the year comes to a close about the things that I want to remember. There are so many of them, and I'm sure in the next month I'm going to add a bunch more to that. 2008 has so far proven to be an amazing year, if not incredibly horrible at times. I've changed so much since I created this blog, or even since I wrote that blog at 12 o'clock on New Years Eve. How my priorties have changed, how my friends have changed, how my life has changed! It's so freaking incredible.

As I sit here in Newspaper, my excitement for the next month is growing and I'm thinking about what I want to do to remember this year. All around me are reminders of the past (I ran into one yesterday that got me thinking for hours) and ideas that will help create my future. It's weird how much things have changed (I'm getting really, really repetitive). Just as I write this blog so many different memories come into my head: a dorky guy one day at art club whom Morgan and I named Steve, a great night at the mall and the movies with my boyfriend and his brother, a day that ruined a friendship forever, and that's just the ones that have to do with the boy sitting next to me right now.

But anyway, this blog has turned into a really crappy bunch of nothing. Not like that is any different from anything else I ever write. That's one thing I said last year. I wasn't going to let this blog turn into crap. But it has. Oh well. At least I still write in it.

Anyway, Thanksgiving break starts in seven minutes and I'm gonna go now.

So...

It's been about a week since I've posted anything. Can I tell you how surprised I am that I am posting this often? I really never expected that I would continue with this blog even though I told myself I would. I've never continued on with anything like this on my own. I have had so many blogs over the years that have just kind of sizzled into nothing after a while.

Maybe before it was because the only person reading my blog was occasionally a sister of mine who lives in Ohio? Maybe not. Either way though, I've never been able to keep up with a blog like I have with this one.

I think that it is awesome. Because for right now this blog is mostly a representation of my last year at FFJH plus a couple months of random stuff after that. I hope to keep going long enough to make this blog a representation of my high school years, and then after that college. And who knows? Maybe I'll still be writing on this blog long after that.

Anyway, I just thought that I'd post something. I wasn't actually thinking that I'd even have that much to say. Ha ha. I'm going to go get some breakfast now.

Essay #1. Apparently 1 comes after 2 today.

Teen Violence

More than 750,000 people, age 10 to 24, were treated in emergency departments for injuries received due to violence in 2004 ("Youth Violence, Fact Sheet" CDC). The numbers grow every year as teen violence becomes more and more of a problem. There are many different reasons that teen violence is becoming such a problem in our society. One of the bigger causes for teen violence is the great lack of respect. Another is the amount of negativity in the media. Also, many teens don’t have an effective way to express their anger. These are all problems that teens deal with.

The biggest cause of teen violence is the lack of respect teens have for both themselves and others. The lack of respect for both peers and elders causes many problems including anger and violence. When a teen argues with someone they don’t respect then violence becomes a risk. Disrespect from either side of an argument is harmful. When a teen thinks that someone else is being disrespectful to them they get angry, and when they get angry fights start, and not all fights end peacefully.

What makes teens so angry? There are probably many reasons that some teens are angry. One reason though, is the media. In the newspaper and on the television news focuses around bad things that are happening, the bad things that are coming, and consequences of the bad things that have already been done. With so much negativity surrounding them, how can teens not be angry? Every day they hear of wars and murders and shootings. If the media focused more on the good things that are happening in the world all people might find more reason to be happy or content, and at least some of the anger would go away. Then the rest of it could, hopefully, be dealt with in better ways.

There are many different ways for a person to effectively express anger without resorting to violence. Most teens know that. Even the ones who do resort to violence often know that there are better ways to fix problems. The hard part of that, though, is that some teens don’t have a way to express their anger. They don’t know how to talk to someone they’re angry with. They don’t have anyone else to talk to. Violence is a compulsory action. Teens don’t usually think about the violence before they cause it. They don’t know how.

Rates of teen violence increase every year for several different reasons. They don’t respect people enough, including themselves. There’s also so much bad around them in the world that it makes them angry. Another reason is that they aren’t sure, or don’t know, how to effectively express their anger. Violence is wrong and teens know it. There are things that could be done to stop it. They know this, but they may need a little extra help to succeed.

Essay #2 Yes, I know I don't have an essay # 1. Yet.

Anger and Stress Management

All over the internet, there are self help websites and professional help websites that focus primarily on anger and stress management. Most of these websites start out by saying what anger is, how it can help, how it can hinder, and how it can be controlled. Then they move on to explain what it is that their website will do for you or what their product does that will change your life. There is nothing wrong with most of these websites. Anger and stress management is a serious skill that every person needs to have. Not only does anger and stress hurt yourself, but everyone around you. There are many ways to manage these emotions. People just have to find the things that work for them. It is not something that can just be done. It has to be worked at.

Anger is an important emotion in every person’s life. It helps motivate people toward change and it isn’t something we can just push aside (Anger Management: Using Anger Management for Stress Relief). When a person decides that they’re just going to cast that anger away, never feel it or express it at all, they often just end up hiding their emotions until, eventually, they cannot hold it in any longer. This usually just ends up causing problems for everyone else. “Stress is a biological term which refers to the consequences of the failure of a human or animal body to respond appropriately to emotional or physical threats to the organism, whether actual or imagined.” (Wikipedia: Stress (biological)). When a person feels stressed they are easily frustrated or angered. Learning to manage stress is just as important as learning to manage anger, because stress is often on of the causes of anger and frustration. Managing anger and stress may not be easy, but there are many ways to do it.

There are many, many, ways to manage anger and stress. Books are written just for the purpose, websites and groups are created to guide those who need help. Experts spend their days researching the effects of stress and anger and what can be done to make these as harmless as possible. Since managing these emotions is something every human being needs to be able to do there is no lack of information, help, or strategy. People design programs and products for people who think they need more help. Some say that stress journals are a good way to manage unwanted stress and anger. Still others think that the first thing that needs to be done is to asses where the anger is coming from. Then a person can decide what needs to be done, knowing where it is coming from. Every person deals with emotions differently, and therefore every person needs to find the method of anger and stress relief that works best for them.

Not a single person on this planet is the same as anyone else. We are all unique. So why shouldn’t our methods of dealing with emotions be too? For one person, thinking about what is causing the anger and stress might be enough for them to stop it. Another might need to have a personal journal to vent their feelings to. Each and every person is going to find that what works for them might not necessarily work for someone else. No matter what method works best, it is vitally important that people do at least know what methods work for them. When people don’t have methods of anger and stress relief they end up expressing their emotions in harmful ways that don’t help anyone. Why risk that when there are so many ways of avoiding it?

Anger and stress are emotions that every human being will feel at different times in their lives. They are basic human emotions that can be harmful to the person and others around them if they do not learn appropriate ways to manage and express them. There are many vastly different ways of controlling anger and stress; so many, in fact, that every person is going to find different methods that work for them, but not everyone else. Stress and anger management are a very, very important part of human life and should not be taken lightly.

Can't Breathe Can't Feel

Today I have done something that is going to change my life. Let's just hope I can get through it. To think that something seemingly so small is going to change my life so completely. I can't breathe. My brain feels like a mass of empty space. I deserve it. I know I deserve it.

I'm sorry.

It's Not Faith if You Use Your Eyes

Random title for today's blog. It's just a line from one of my favorite songs by Paramore. It's called Miracle!. Check it out sometime. It's a good song.

Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about tonight is a quote that I saw in Spanish today. See, my Spanish teacher is also an English teacher so she has bulletin boards with quotes about reading and writing in one corner of her room. It just so happens that she has put me in that corner for second term, so at the end of class today I was reading them. They're all really good quotes and maybe as the year goes on I'll write about more of them, but tonight I wanted to talk about the one that caught my attention today.

'A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.'

~Mark Twain 1900

I really like this quote. Mainly because I think it has a lot of truth to it. It makes me think of last year, and even just this summer. When Mr. T would assign us a book for Honors English (classics that is) people would complain. They'd complained no mater what we had to read, but classics were worse. I think that it's mostly because they are usually older books and therefore in a language that is harder to understand because it has different slang and different words. It makes it harder to read.

There are things that language doesn't change, though. I mean, even though a book is hard to read and understand it doesn't mean that said book is not a good book. Even impossibly difficult reads can have great stories to them. That is why I think that Mark Twain's quote works. I think that people really do want to know the stories as they are written, but it becomes such a hard thing to do (oh my, we really have to think?!?) that people don't actually want to read them.

I cannot really deny that this is true to me as well. Not in all circumstances, but with some classics I honestly don't want to start reading even though I absolutely love the story. It just gets to the point where I would like to read something that doesn't take as much thought. I can't read a classic when I'm tired or I've been in school all day/doing homework all night. I have to read them when I have time and patience enough to reread passages and contemplate things. I absolutely love a lot of classics though. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens and Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen are two of the ones that I read last year that have ended up being two of my favorite books ever (although even that is a very long list with like... 100 books or more).

Anyway, I just really wanted to share that quote with some of you and explain why it stuck with me today and why I like it. So that's it for tonight.

Hasta luego!

Majorly Proud of Myself

Today I found a good blogger template and then kind of made it my own. I am so proud of myself for figuring it out and I think it looks way awesome.

I just thought I would share that accomplishment.

Yay.

Plus I GOT A 4.0 GPA for first term! Eeee!

Haha.

National Novel Writing Month...

Started on November 1st. I am taking part in it this year and have a goal of 50,000 words to write by November 30th. That means that I have to write an average of about 1,700 words a day. So far my grand total would therefore need to be 5,100. Well I wasn't so into writing on Saturday. So I'm not that far yet... I'm actually not even to two days worth of writing that much yet. But I'm getting really close. My total right now is 3,062 words. Yay me. Haha. So before I go to sleep tonight I have just under 350 words to write. I am confident that I will do so.

Anyway the point of this blog, other than introducing NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, nanowrimo.org) is to show you a little bit of what I have been writing. I'm proud of it. It's just a prologue so you don't really get any real plot from it, but I think it's a good way to grab attention I think. I don't think I'll be posting the whole thing here, but if you're really interested I can send you what I have at the end of the month. So here it is:

Prologue

Come on Mike! Get up! Hurry, they're right behind us!" A tall and lanky red haired woman yelled to the dark haired man who was lying on the ground ten yards away from her. They were being chased by the police. They were in trouble. Together they had done something neither of them could ever have imagined and they were going to pay the price with their lives. Now they were on the run and Mike, the clumsy guy that he was, had fallen down. She ran back over to help him.

Mike was slowly getting to his feet. The woman grabbed his hand and pulled him up and forward. "Laura," Mike gasped. "They can't be that far behind us. I can't run anymore Laura. Maybe we can't get out of this." He was breathing heavily and limping as he ran. He figured he must have pulled a muscle in his right leg when he feel, the knees of his jeans were torn and the skin of his palms were scraped raw.

“We have to keep going Mike,” Laura, who was in much better shape, breathed. Her voice was not more than a whisper; it was as if she was trying to keep the brick walls on either side of the street from hearing them. “Giving up would here, now, would be giving up on our lives. I’m only nineteen Mike! I’m not ready to give up.”

Mike often thought that Laura was over dramatic, but of course an actor would be. Now though, he was sure she was speaking the truth. To stop running, to hand themselves over to the police would mean a lifetime in jail for both of them. He couldn’t deny that he did not want that for himself, but to say that he had what it took to run from the law would be the biggest lie anyone on the west coast had ever heard.

Suddenly it seemed as if there were a thousand noises around them. Police sirens and the roar of car engines were coming on their backs rapidly. Mike could also hear the voice and running steps of the police men who had begun chasing them on foot a quarter of an hour ago. ‘This is it.’ Mike thought, ‘we’re as good as dead now.’ He didn’t know why they were still running even. The cars would catch up to them any second, the men on foot not long after that, and then it would be suicide to keep going.

There was an ally just ahead of them and Laura pulled Mike’s arm as she turned into it. They flattened themselves against the wall and Mike thought that he might laugh if the situation wasn’t so serious. It was just like being in a movie. People always said not to trust movies because they were inaccurate but being chased by the cops was just like it was on the big screen, minus the helicopters.

They were both breathing heavily, their chests moving up and down faster than either could have ever imagined possible. They were safe. They had managed to find a hiding place where they could watch as the police ran right past them. Mike looked at Laura and saw the relief in her eyes. “I guess we won’t have to give up today, Laura. You were right. We did it.”

And they had… Almost. The cops were just about to go running past the ally when Mike’s watch alarm went off. Twelve o’clock midnight. It was an appropriate time, he thought, a great time to be caught. The dawn of the new day would see two criminals to jail, already the day was proving to be a safer one.

Laura’s eyes were squeezed shut as tight as they would go and tears were streaming from them. Mike was looking frantically around the ally for an escape. Laura had gotten them this far; it was his turn to make a move. Toward the end of the ally there was a door. He couldn’t be sure it went anywhere but he did know that if they got there fast enough the cops might just think that they had gone out the back, it was dark after all.

Mike shook Laura’s shoulder to get her attention. He pointed toward the door and watched as she looked from his face to wall he pointed at. She seemed to be confused for a moment before realization lit up her eyes. She nodded; all hope that they would live through the night had come back to her in a split second, making Mike feel very accomplished. He had managed to save her, or at least came up with a plan to do so.

At the same time they pushed off from the wall and sprinted toward the door. He could hear the police behind him but kept going anyway. “Come on, Mike.” Laura whispered, “We can do this!” They were only ten to fifteen yards from the door and getting closer with every second. ‘We can do this,’ Mike echoed in his head. ‘We are strong and we can do this.’

Laura reached the door slightly ahead of him and grasped the metal handle as if her life depended on it, which it did. She grabbed Mike’s hand with her free one before shoving the door open. One more second and it would be too late. They had to get out of sight now. She yanked him inside and slammed the door shut leaning against it with her eyes closed and trying to catch her breath.

Mike was sitting on the floor. He couldn’t quite tell what the room was because his head was swimming and he wasn’t really paying attention. He placed his palms flat against the ground on either side of him and found something that he had definitely not been expecting. Grass. His eyes flew to Laura at the door and found her looking around wide eyed and shocked. She was no longer against the door, but feeling it with her hands. It was wood. Not cold metal that it had been on the other side.

Mike looked to other side of himself and found that he had to squint because of the bright light. He shook his head slightly and looked around again. They were in what appeared to be a field that went on and on forever. Laura was leaning against the door of a small shack or a shed that looked more than abandoned, but not necessarily old.

“Where the hell are we?” Laura asked quietly. Mike had stood up and was coming to stand beside her.

“I have absolutely no idea.”

And on a side note: The October issue of the newspaper came out last week. I am very proud of it. My very favoritist twin did some art for the center page and it looks amazing. Plus I have two less than amazing articles. Woot!

Who am I?

A friend of mine, who goes by the name of PasoFreak, wrote in her blog today telling her friends a little bit more about her. When I read it I felt like it was something I might want to do. But then I thought about why I don't tell people more about me. What is there that people don't know? I am a nerd. I love reading, writing, learning. I am smart. I've been doing Science Olympiad since seventh grade and I have six state level medals and two national level medals. I have six sisters. My twin sister and I look nothing alike. My absolute favorite thing to do is to hang out with my mom and my sisters. I'm good at math and I like math. I'm not LDS and I don't have a religion. That seems to be the simplest facts about me. Is there more? Yes. I believe there is. Probably even a lot more that you all know about me.

I'm sure there are things you don't know as well, but what are they?

Well, the first I guess might be that I have no idea what I believe in. I don't know what to think and I believe that the ideas of the universe are just way to big to be picked out and deciphered. I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out what I believe. I know a little bit about Christianity but I learned most of it before I was 8 when I went to an LDS church with my parents every Sunday. I know that I can't honestly see myself as ever being part of an organized religion because I feel that when you are part of something like that you should honestly believe every part of it is true and I don't know if there is a religion out there that could sum up everything that I think and feel.

Something that I've only discovered recently, and therefore not many people know about me, is that I've decided that I don't want to be a scientist. I would much rather spend my life learning about people, both past and present, reading, or writing. I would also like to use my ability to understand things easily. I don't know for sure what I'm going to end up doing with my life, but I would really really love to teach English or be a journalist. I don't know if this surprises some of you or not, but I realized last year that I cannot see myself spending my life doing the types of things I do at every Science Olympiad meeting.

Other than that, though? I don't really know. What else is there about me that other people don't know? What is there about me that people want to know? Anything?

Should there be more that I should want you to know about me? I don't know. I have no idea what I should I know about myself. Is there something wrong with that? Do I need to know exactly where I want to go to college right now? Do I need to know where I want to be right after I graduate? What else should I know about myself?

I don't know. Have any ideas?

In the Computer Lab Again...

And I found an amazing new template! Guys, I absolutely love it! I didn't know that there were blogger templates out there that were this cool. The only problem is that the date of my posts don't show anymore. But whatever. You can always look over at the archive thing on the side.

Anyway, I just thought I would share my excitement with you all.

Eee!

My blog looks amazing. AMAZING!!!

Plus, the first issue of the school newspaper with my cover article is being distributed today!

I am sooooo happy!

Woot!

Mandala Essay

So for one of my classes I had to create a mandala and write an essay on it. I decided that I would post it here because... Well mostly because I posted almost every essay I wrote last year on here. Or at least I think I did. Anyway, here it is:

Mandala Essay

A mandala by definition is a geometric design which symbolizes the universe. While mine symbolizes something far smaller than the universe it is a design which symbolizes something. My life can be represented by six simple symbols that represent something far more complicated. The center of my mandala is a polar bear that represents family. The outside edge of the mandala is a series of linked circles that represent friendship. On the inside there are four symbols that each represent a very significant part of my life. The first is a path to represent progress. The second is a book showing my love for writing, reading, and history. The third is two mountains creating a canyon with a bird flying through it. The last symbol is a group of music notes that represent music. Each of these sixth things are very important to me in different ways.

The polar bear represents my family. For a few years now my five sisters and I have been calling my mom ‘Mama Bear’. The story of how this came to be could be an essay in itself, but the reasoning behind the nickname is that my mom takes care of us. We are a close bunch, my girls and I. It’s almost like we have a language of our own. Words like ‘yuffa’ are not something you’d find in a dictionary. I am so lucky that my best friends are my family, but I have other friends too and they’re very important to me as well.

The interlinking circles that create the outside border of my mandala represent my friends. The circles are supposed to show that my friends and I come from all different social areas. We do many fun things together but there’s more to my friendships than just socializing. Throughout the good and the bad times of the last few years my friends have been there. Whether I needed to complain, vent, or ask for advice they were always there to talk to me and they’ll continue to be there for a long time. Sometimes there are things that I can’t tell my family, and when I come across those things I am happy to have someone else to talk to. Not only do my friends help me when I am down, they share my interests as well.

The dirt path on my mandala represents progress. Progress is an important part of my life because I think that the only way for someone to really fail at something is for them not to learn from it. School is the place where I’ve done most of my progressing in my life. I love learning and I think that progress through knowledge is one of the best possible. There is no such thing as useless knowledge. In my life I hope to progress to a place where I can be doing what I want to do and be happy doing it. To learn, though, you have to read and be literate.

On my mandala is a picture of a book with different symbols and letters on it. The first is stick figures that represent cavemen and the first writings. The second and third are symbols showing the beginning of language. The fourth are letters, the fifth sentences, and the sixth is a keyboard which leads into modern technology. This book represents my love for reading, writing, and history. Learning is a big part of my life and I love to learn about history. What better way to live a good life than studying the mistakes of others and learning from them. I love to think about how people lived before technology. Back when people had to live in nature.

The second to last symbol on my mandala is a canyon with a bird. This symbol is supposed to represent my love for nature. I don’t think I could live without plumbing and hot water, but I love to sit out in a peaceful place outdoors and think or read. The best moments I’ve ever spent alone were in Flaming Gorge away from camp on a rock ledge. I listened to the birds and the river and everything around me. The most peaceful places on earth are in nature and I think that by listening to the ‘music’ of nature you can learn more about the world around you.

The last symbol on my mandala is a group of music notes. I often find myself remembering sections of my life by the music I listened to during that time period. I also play both the guitar and the viola, albeit badly. I started playing the viola in sixth grade knowing nothing about orchestra other than that my older, half sister played the violin. I’ve wanted a guitar since before I can remember and I got one for my fifteenth birthday. Music inspires me and helps me get through all periods of my life. I have certain music that I listen to when I’m sad, different music when I’m happy, and so on. Music is as much a part of my life as friends and family are.

There are so many things I could use to represent my life, but the six I used on my mandala are some of the most important. My family is represented by the polar bear. My friends are represented by the circles. On the inside of my mandala used the path, the book, the canyon, and the music notes to symbolize my love for progress, reading and writing, nature and music. So although my mandala does not symbolize something so colossal as the universe, I think it’s pretty big and important.

Lacking Inspiration

So, I'm taking this class called AVID. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but it's a class that I will take all through high school that will basically help me get better grades and get ready for college. It's a great class and already it's helping me. I've only missed one assignment so far this year and the circumstances behind that weren't so great. But anyway, AVID is a class where smart students get the skills they need to be successful. One of those skills is writing.

Last week we were given an assignment to create a mandala about ourselves (what things are most important to us) and then write an essay to explain the symbols we used to represent us. Today we are in the computer lab for class to work on these essays. It's only the second time I've written an essay since the end of ninth grade and I'm finding that I'm having problems getting started. It sucks, because by then end of the year in ninth grade I was able to write a decent essay in under twenty minutes. I was able to get a topic, brainstorm, and start writing so easily that it hardly took any thought at all. It was almost like blogging. Sit down in front of a computer or a notebook with a pencil and just let the words spill out.

The thing that frustrates me the most is that this isn't a hard topic at all. Maybe I'm just having a bad day, maybe I spent all of my creativity on my cover article for the Centurion (Layton High's school newspaper) last week, but whatever it is I just can't seem to be able to think about how to creatively, and interestingly write this essay. The first thing I tried was starting it with a question 'How do you choose what symbols represent your life? How can you pick the five most important things that represent you?' but after I wrote that down it did not sound right. I could not figure out how to lead in to the symbols I have chosen for my mandala to represent my life.

So I don't know. How do I come up with the inspiration for this first real essay of my sophomore year? How do I decide what is neccessary to put into this essay? How do I explain to my teacher, my classmates, etc. that my life is amazing because of the five or six symbols I've chosen? Right now I'm not sure, but I'm thinking and when I know I'll put it up here, and when I'm done with my essay I will make sure that I post it as an entry on this blog for anyone who wants to read it.

The Beginning of Something Great

So I've survived a week and a half of high school! Yay! And I'm actually finding that I absolutely love it. Main reason being that I don't have to do all of my homework in one night. With the workload I have, that would absolutely freaking kill me. Haha. I like all but two of my teachers. My English teacher is extremely boring and the class is even worse (But who can compare after having Mr. T last year?) and then I really don't like my Health teacher. It might just be the subject, but I absolutely dread that class every other day. :(

There are so many things to love about high school. The thing that I look forward to every day, though, is lunch. I think that it is so awesome that we have only one lunch and that we have a whole hour to hang out with friends. It's awesome.

I miss Fairfield though. I had planned on going to visit Friday because we have late-start but I don't think I'll have a way to get over there. I went after school last week but the one teacher I had gone to see, Mr. T, was not there by the time I managed to get from Layton to Fairfield on foot. So I am definitely going to have to find another time I can get down there when I know that I'll be able to see him. I got to talk to some other teachers though and that was cool. I saw some of my younger friends that I won't be going to school with anymore because they'll be going to Davis in a year or so. It was great. The whole thing reminded me of when I'd stay after school last year and I'd be waiting outside for a ride almost everyday. Mr. T said that I was going to have withdrawls from the school. I kinda think I am (On a very small scale). Haha. :P

Anyway, I don't think this blog has really said anything, and I have a huge amount of reading to do for AP European History tonight so I better leave this off here. :P

The End Is Here

So school starts in a week. It's time to get the dusty calculator and bookbag out for a new year. I've picked up my schedule and I've checked it with my friends' and we are all just excited that in a week we will get to see each other every day again. There are differences though. This year isn't just like we're used to. We're entering a brand new world and we all know it. High school is a territory so far unknown to us and we're ready to explore.

Haha. That was fun to write. But really, since registration on Thursday I've been talking to various people about school starting next week and it's interesting to see everyone's opinions about the upcoming school year. Some are scared that they're going to get lost. Others fear that the material is going to be to hard. Some are excited to get back into seeing friends everyday. There are even a few (like me) who just want to get back into the school work. Summer is great, but eventually I start to miss the thinking that I do during the school year. I miss the challenge of learning and testing and trying to keep grades up.

There was a time when I never would have admitted this. Back then I hung out with girls the size of twigs who didn't really like me because I was bigger than them. They never invited me to hang out with them and I never really understood why they put up with me at school in the first place. Probably because I was smart and could "help" them with their work.

Not anymore, though. Now I hang out with a group of girls (I don't have many (if any) guy friends) who are just as smart as me. They might not enjoy school as much as I do at times, but they aren't like most people who dread school just because that's what teenagers do. No, me and my friends are the kind of people who hang out at school long after the last bell rings just because we can. I don't know if we'll do that much (if at all) in the next few weeks, though. We don't know any of the teachers and we obviously aren't involved in any after school activities. There will be time to recreate those connections that we had at FFJH, but we'll probably want to get past the first few weeks of class first.

I am excited. High school is the beginning of so many things. I already have met new people and hopefully new friends. Block schedule is a new thing too and I think that it will actually be a lot better.

But anyway...

This will probably be my last blog for the summer but I know that I will blog again in the next week or so. I'm going to keep up this blog. It's one of my goals.

I hope everyone had a great summer and I hope that you'll all have a great first few days of school!

The Vitamin String Quartet

The Vitamin String Quartet Tribute is a series of string quartet tribute albums, released by Vitamin Records and performed by several different groups of musicians. These string quartet tributes are commonly referred to as "VSQ," or "Vitamin String Quartet" by fans. Albums generally focus on one band per record, and perform classical versions of that band's songs, generally note for note. They use a wide array of instruments but primarily use violins, violas, and cellos.

That is Wikipedia's definition of this awesome music which I have fallen in love with in the course of an hour. Haha. They are completely amazing. It makes me want to get my viola out and play. It's been so long since I have (all summer) and I wasn't planning on playing again for quite a while.

They do all kinds of stuff. Most of it is music that I already love. I think it is so awesome to see my favorite music go classical-ish? Haha.

So check them out. They are freaking awesome.

My Secret

Earlier today I posted a blog about a website called PostSecret.com. My mom and I both said that we often find ourselves making our own secret postcards in our heads. I can think of so many things that people don't know about me (and most of them are things I won't mention on this blog because of the people who read it). There are some of them that I wouldn't mind putting up here (I fear that if some of my friends knew everything about me and then viewed me beside one of my other friends (or sisters for that matter) they wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore) because I know that the people who read this will either not care (as most won't have anything to do with anyone who reads my blog) or they'll just deny it (whether or not it's true).

Tonight I am going to take my blog off of search engines. That way only people with the direct link to my blog can read it. The reason is because there are some people that just have very little to do with my life that I don't think I want reading this blog anymore. I am pretty sure that one of the people I am thinking of has only found my blog by search engines so far and has not actually saved the page so that they can come back to it.

But back to the point of this blog entry.

I wanted to post one of my secrets tonight. I've spent all day thinking about events that revolve around this secret and I would really like for someone to know why I've been upset all day (I don't know if anyone who has seen me today will actually read this, but whatever). This secret is something that I think about often and usually gets me very upset. It's very personal and it has caused me a lot of heartache.

I wrote a paper in my eighth grade Creative Writing class about my relationship with my dad. At the end of the paper I had written a letter to him that said that I was pretty positive I would never show him what I had written. When I got the paper back my teacher told me that it had made her cry and I got one of the highest scores in the class. I was extremely proud of the paper and I thought that the feeling I got from having someone else praise my writing was worth the pain that it caused to write it. A few months later I got up the nerve to show the paper to my dad. I emailed it to him as a father's day present and told him to read it. He did and then called me. I can't really remember what he said about it. I know that reading it had affected him but I don't know why.

I thought that showing my dad my thoughts and my pain from the past few years might make things better. Maybe he just didn't know how much I was hurting. Maybe he just didn't know how much he was hurting me. When he called me I was hopeful. He'd had to leave his office after reading the paper and that was when he had called. I thought that maybe it had made a difference. Maybe things were finally going to get better. Maybe they were going to be the way they used to be. I was hopeful that day. I was so happy. It made things even better that we were going to my dad's house for the weekend. It was to be the start of something good. My new relationship with my dad.

I don't know how I could have thought any of those things now. I'm over a year older and a year wiser. It's surprising just how much has happened in the last year. I won't go into detail but I will say that I discovered a lot about myself and the people around me.

Needless to say my paper didn't change anything. My dad had read how I felt. My deepest thoughts and unguarded emotions had been shown to him on paper. He just didn't care, whether it was purposely or not. Things didn't change at all. We didn't talk about it other than that one phone call. It was as if someone had completely erased his memory about it. I should have known enough about him by then to know that anything I said would not make any difference. He couldn't change. He still can't change.

Since then I have pretended that nothing is wrong. I don't talk to him much anymore. I never say much more than "nothing much", "yup", or "nope" to him anymore. He doesn't know me. I doubt he ever will. He knows what I look like and he knows what my interests were up to about the middle of eighth grade, but he'll never know how much the past year and a half has changed me. He'll never know what my true hopes and dreams are. And, though he may know that I'm hurt because of it all, he'll never know just how much I hurt inside. He'll never know how much I wish things were different.

When I showed my dad that paper I was hoping that things would go back to the way I thought they had been. What I didn't realize at the time was that things never were the way I saw them. It was inevitable that one day I would realize that, even though I was so happy with the way things had been with my dad, it hadn't really been a happy situation.

I don't tell people things like that anymore. I don't talk to people when I have problems with them. I try not to hope that something I might say will change things. That's my secret.

I can't say that writing this has eased the pain at all. I can't say what purpose writing this blog actually had, but it took up some time. Maybe it will help some people to know me a little better. Maybe not. Oh well. I just decided that I would write about one of my more meaningful secrets and here it is. Maybe someday I'll actually get up the nerve to make and send one of the secret postcards I have visualized in my head, maybe not. Maybe. . .

Maybe it doesn't matter.