It happens every time:
the buildup,
the excitement.
Months of seperation
turn instantly into
weeks of eagerness.
Soon, the day has come.
We are together once more,
if only for the moment.
We talk and we laugh,
making the most
of the short hours,
but all too soon it is
time for us to part.
My eyes shine,
the tears threatening
to spill over.
I long for one more
hug as I watch you
walking away.
You don't seem to
notice how much
I already miss you.
Our time now over,
we slip casually back
into our routine of
missed phone calls
and broken promises.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Contentment and Loneliness
Contentment
She never wanted for anything. Since she was born, she has been happy with her life and those who are in it. To her parents, she was the golden child, never complaining and always listening to instructions. They never expected to have any problems with her as she grew up, but every teenager goes through rough patches as they try to discover who they are.
She met Loneliness when she was fourteen and, for a while, there were no similarities between them. However, when they were sixteen they became friends. Contentment found herself longing for conversations with him. When she was not talking to him, she felt an incredibly unfamiliar emotion. Until now, she had never once desired anything.
Her parents try to point out that their relationship was not good for her. He may be gaining from having her around – he does not have other friends – but she was no longer the calm and happy girl she had always been, and that worries them.
In the end, she does not make the choice to stop being friends. Loneliness simply draws away from her. She had always feared that he would, it is in his very nature, but it upsets her anyway. For a long time she was not herself, always trying to find him again in the empty corners of her once full life. She ends up disappointed.
Every trial eventually ends, though. Contentment is no exception. After a long period of struggle, she finally finds herself again. She finds it in music and dance. She finds it in new friendship. She grows up and realizes that she does not need anything more than what she already has.
Loneliness
He had always been alone. His parents both traveled for work and his siblings were all so much older than he was. The babysitters changed on a daily basis and he learned not to grow attached to any of them.
School was difficult for him. None of the other children were his friends and he spent recesses imagining great adventures of his own as he observed his peers creating them together. He had never known anything different, but he wished that he had.
He soon learned that it was much easier to pretend that he fit in than to be outcast from his peers. He found a group of kids his age who were willing to let him follow them around the playground. He was still doing this in junior high when he met Contentment. He saw how happy she was with her own life, noticed that she never had any complaints and that she had more friends than he could ever dream of having.
Their relationship nearly broke her and almost saved him. For once, he had a friend who wanted to spend time with him. He craved her attention and talked to her all of the time, but it was a challenge for him as well. He was busy one day and did not have time to spend with her. It soon became all too easy just to forget about her and go on with his strange new life.
Before he realized what had happened, Loneliness was back to the life he had led for so many years. He was alone. No one spoke to him and he spoke to no one in return. He was the one who was left broken and he had not even noticed when the destruction had begun.
These are an assignment for my creative writing class. We had to turn abstract words into people. I kind of worked in the opposite direction. I started using two real people and a real situation and then turned them into abstracts.
She never wanted for anything. Since she was born, she has been happy with her life and those who are in it. To her parents, she was the golden child, never complaining and always listening to instructions. They never expected to have any problems with her as she grew up, but every teenager goes through rough patches as they try to discover who they are.
She met Loneliness when she was fourteen and, for a while, there were no similarities between them. However, when they were sixteen they became friends. Contentment found herself longing for conversations with him. When she was not talking to him, she felt an incredibly unfamiliar emotion. Until now, she had never once desired anything.
Her parents try to point out that their relationship was not good for her. He may be gaining from having her around – he does not have other friends – but she was no longer the calm and happy girl she had always been, and that worries them.
In the end, she does not make the choice to stop being friends. Loneliness simply draws away from her. She had always feared that he would, it is in his very nature, but it upsets her anyway. For a long time she was not herself, always trying to find him again in the empty corners of her once full life. She ends up disappointed.
Every trial eventually ends, though. Contentment is no exception. After a long period of struggle, she finally finds herself again. She finds it in music and dance. She finds it in new friendship. She grows up and realizes that she does not need anything more than what she already has.
Loneliness
He had always been alone. His parents both traveled for work and his siblings were all so much older than he was. The babysitters changed on a daily basis and he learned not to grow attached to any of them.
School was difficult for him. None of the other children were his friends and he spent recesses imagining great adventures of his own as he observed his peers creating them together. He had never known anything different, but he wished that he had.
He soon learned that it was much easier to pretend that he fit in than to be outcast from his peers. He found a group of kids his age who were willing to let him follow them around the playground. He was still doing this in junior high when he met Contentment. He saw how happy she was with her own life, noticed that she never had any complaints and that she had more friends than he could ever dream of having.
Their relationship nearly broke her and almost saved him. For once, he had a friend who wanted to spend time with him. He craved her attention and talked to her all of the time, but it was a challenge for him as well. He was busy one day and did not have time to spend with her. It soon became all too easy just to forget about her and go on with his strange new life.
Before he realized what had happened, Loneliness was back to the life he had led for so many years. He was alone. No one spoke to him and he spoke to no one in return. He was the one who was left broken and he had not even noticed when the destruction had begun.
These are an assignment for my creative writing class. We had to turn abstract words into people. I kind of worked in the opposite direction. I started using two real people and a real situation and then turned them into abstracts.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wanna know the great thing about life?
When my dad moved to California almost three years ago, I no longer talked to him very much and I saw him even less. He recently(ish) moved to Oregon and it amuses me that since he seems to be a little bit closer (I'm not certain if Bend, Oregon is closer to Utah than where he was in Cali or not), we seem to talk a little more. He and I have been exchanging messages on Facebook about our lives and how far (in my opinion) or how close (in dad's opinion) March, and subsequently his visit to Salt Lake, is.
However, there are certain things that I just don't get from an internet conversation with my father. His internet voice is very different from that of our face to face conversations and that is something that I always miss. When I was younger I used to spend nearly every weekend with him. We'd spend two incredibly packed days with my sisters and then he would drive us all home. Most of the conversations that he and I had occurred in the van as we were heading to Salt Lake or going back home.
There is one thing that he always used to say to me when I was having a hard day. It is something that I was thinking about as I was brushing my teeth a little while ago. I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but it really helps me tonight after the week I have been having.
"Wanna know the great thing about life?" He would always ask me and I would never really answer, but looked at him or ahead at the road in front of us. "You can wake up tomorrow and start all over again."
I know that it is not something that my dad came up with - in fact, the idea is very cliched - but tonight it was exactly what I needed. Today did not go how I expected it to and this week has not been exactly easy. However, when I am done reading this blog I will go to sleep. Then tomorrow morning I will wake up and have the chance to start fresh. I can wake up tomorrow morning determined to be happy and have a good day at work. I can wake up and not worry about all of the bad things this week.
I can wake up tomorrow and start all over again.
Dad, I don't know if you read my blog anymore, but thank you for teaching me that no matter how badly I feel I messed up in a day, I can always wake up and choose to make the right choices and say the right things tomorrow. I love you and miss you so much, and I can't wait to see you in March.
However, there are certain things that I just don't get from an internet conversation with my father. His internet voice is very different from that of our face to face conversations and that is something that I always miss. When I was younger I used to spend nearly every weekend with him. We'd spend two incredibly packed days with my sisters and then he would drive us all home. Most of the conversations that he and I had occurred in the van as we were heading to Salt Lake or going back home.
There is one thing that he always used to say to me when I was having a hard day. It is something that I was thinking about as I was brushing my teeth a little while ago. I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but it really helps me tonight after the week I have been having.
"Wanna know the great thing about life?" He would always ask me and I would never really answer, but looked at him or ahead at the road in front of us. "You can wake up tomorrow and start all over again."
I know that it is not something that my dad came up with - in fact, the idea is very cliched - but tonight it was exactly what I needed. Today did not go how I expected it to and this week has not been exactly easy. However, when I am done reading this blog I will go to sleep. Then tomorrow morning I will wake up and have the chance to start fresh. I can wake up tomorrow morning determined to be happy and have a good day at work. I can wake up and not worry about all of the bad things this week.
I can wake up tomorrow and start all over again.
Dad, I don't know if you read my blog anymore, but thank you for teaching me that no matter how badly I feel I messed up in a day, I can always wake up and choose to make the right choices and say the right things tomorrow. I love you and miss you so much, and I can't wait to see you in March.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Strength in Family
"You've got to know it will be OK. It may not be OK right now, but it will be," Madey Slaughter
This wise young girl had so much to teach everyone around her. Now, a week after she left this earth for a place where she could be healthy again, I look to her words for guidance.
My own little sister, Ashley, found out that she has a problem with her heart yesterday. This is not something completely new to my family. My little sister, Linzie, went through something very similar. However, I'll admit that I'm a little scared. I don't know any of the details. In fact, no one knows exactly what is going to happen at this point. My mom knows the most about this kind of thing and reassures everyone that Ashley will be fine. I don't see why anyone would think otherwise at this point.
I think this would be easier for all of us if Ashley lived closer, though.
As my mom said today in her blog, there have never been any "steps" in our family. Ashley has always been my sister as much as all of the others and Bill has always been another dad to me. We are a family through whatever trials we face.
It will all be OK, probably sooner than any of us thinks right now.
I know that Ashley will be all right. Whatever fears any of us have right now will be erased and
This wise young girl had so much to teach everyone around her. Now, a week after she left this earth for a place where she could be healthy again, I look to her words for guidance.
My own little sister, Ashley, found out that she has a problem with her heart yesterday. This is not something completely new to my family. My little sister, Linzie, went through something very similar. However, I'll admit that I'm a little scared. I don't know any of the details. In fact, no one knows exactly what is going to happen at this point. My mom knows the most about this kind of thing and reassures everyone that Ashley will be fine. I don't see why anyone would think otherwise at this point.
I think this would be easier for all of us if Ashley lived closer, though.
As my mom said today in her blog, there have never been any "steps" in our family. Ashley has always been my sister as much as all of the others and Bill has always been another dad to me. We are a family through whatever trials we face.
It will all be OK, probably sooner than any of us thinks right now.
I know that Ashley will be all right. Whatever fears any of us have right now will be erased and
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Revelations from 2010 & More
Revelations: 2010
There is laughter in mourning.
Sometimes, awkward moments become
fond memories.
No matter how old I get, coloring Easter
eggs is entertaining.
I could try harder to enjoy life.
Living in the moment is often more
important than planning the future.
Nothing beats the freedom of summer.
The future is bright.
Singing loudly with friends can
conquer nearly any sadness.
No matter how much you think you know,
there is always something that will shock you.
Dressing in silly costumes is not always
just for children.
I do not want to leave home
as much as I say I do.
Snow is beautiful.
I wrote this in my Creative Writing class yesterday. Basically, I chose one thing that I learned from each month and put it into a poem... I thought it turned out pretty well and that it is a decent representation of the past year of my life.
My 2010 was pretty good. Sure, I had problems. However, I've had great cause to evaluate my problems and my life in the last couple of days. Compared to others that I know, my problems are nothing. There are so many other people out there who are dealing with issues that are so much larger then mine.
I don't think that I could ever have the strength that the Slaughter family shows daily. Their daughter, Hillary, is a very good friend of mine who I have mentioned before. Since they discovered that her little sister, Madey, had cancer a year ago, Hillary has shown incredible strength. A week ago, they discovered that the chemo Madey has been going through is not working. Still, Hillary continues to show her strength. There are moments when I can just catch a glimpse of her pain but she isn't letting it consume her. She is my hero in every way, and I love her so much. She is like another sister to me, and if there were anything I could do to help her family, I would do it.
For now, I make sure that Hillary knows that I am thinking about her and her family daily. In fact, while I was thinking about her in Creative Writing yesterday, I wrote this:
All our hearts
are broken, but
no one sheds a tear.
We look to you
for guidance.
Your strength
controls our fear.
Hillary, I don't know if you even read my blog anymore, but I just want you to know how much I admire you. Your strength through all of this is more than I could ever have. If you or your family ever need anything, know that my family and I are there to help. We love you guys and we are always thinking about you. You are such a good friend to me and I am so lucky to have that. I am so sorry that this has happened to your family. You are all such amazing people. You have taught me so much about life.
<3
"The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it."
~C.C. Scott
"I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains."
~Anne Frank
"It's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
~Abraham Lincoln
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friendly Traditions
In my creative writing class today, we were asked to write a poem about any gift we had ever given or received. This is what I came up with:
Friendly Traditions
A small stack of letters
sits next to my bed,
evidence of a tradition
long between friends.
Every year a new one
is added to the pile,
filled with words of our friendship
that always make me smil.
Always written in the long
weeks before summer
they make the last weeks of school
seem less of a bummer.
While others are signing
yearbooks galore,
my friend and I exchange
words that mean so much more.
And during those moments
when I feel all alonge,
I read all our letters
to feel like I'm home.
Miss M. gave us a challenge to write it in the rhythm of T'was the Night Before Christmas and to make it rhyme. So I know that it's not my strongest work, but I really enjoyed writing it.
Friendly Traditions
A small stack of letters
sits next to my bed,
evidence of a tradition
long between friends.
Every year a new one
is added to the pile,
filled with words of our friendship
that always make me smil.
Always written in the long
weeks before summer
they make the last weeks of school
seem less of a bummer.
While others are signing
yearbooks galore,
my friend and I exchange
words that mean so much more.
And during those moments
when I feel all alonge,
I read all our letters
to feel like I'm home.
Miss M. gave us a challenge to write it in the rhythm of T'was the Night Before Christmas and to make it rhyme. So I know that it's not my strongest work, but I really enjoyed writing it.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Casual Acquaintance
I met you years ago.
We were only classmates,
but I always wanted to
be your friend.
Your intelligence awed me.
I wished I could have
your creativity, your
talented mind.
I remember the day
we talked for what
seemed like hours and
I realized that we could
become great friends.
I never took the chance,
made the effort to change
our casual acquaintance
into anything more.
I thought we were
too different.
I was wrong.
Now it's too late.
If I could, I would
turn back time. A
year and a day, to when
I last saw you.
I would take the
chance, then, to show
you what I had known,
to tell you that I
looked up to you.
Everyone wants one
last day to say goodbye.
In memory of Rachel Vigil
December 1992 - December 2009
We were only classmates,
but I always wanted to
be your friend.
Your intelligence awed me.
I wished I could have
your creativity, your
talented mind.
I remember the day
we talked for what
seemed like hours and
I realized that we could
become great friends.
I never took the chance,
made the effort to change
our casual acquaintance
into anything more.
I thought we were
too different.
I was wrong.
Now it's too late.
If I could, I would
turn back time. A
year and a day, to when
I last saw you.
I would take the
chance, then, to show
you what I had known,
to tell you that I
looked up to you.
Everyone wants one
last day to say goodbye.
In memory of Rachel Vigil
December 1992 - December 2009
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Letters
Departed friend,
You left me here,
confused and disoriented.
I’m not sure how this
all occurred. One moment
you were here, I was in
your arms, the next I
was standing by your
grave, as I am now.
There is no rewinding
this life, no way for me
to hear your voice or
feel your strong arms around
me even one more time.
I don’t know how to say
goodbye. The void that
has opened, wide between
us is one I do not know
how to cross over. It is not
yet my time to speak to
you again. For now, read
this letter, left on your
grave, and know that I
will always remember.
Love forever,
Elizabeth
Dearest Elizabeth,
If there were a way
to ensure that this letter
made its way into your
delicate hands, I would
find it. I want to have
the power to reassure you.
You are not the only one
disoriented, confused.
I want for nothing
more than to be near you,
to hear your laughter, not
from a distance, but right
next to my ear, a result
of time spent together.
I am with you always,
though you come to my
grave, hoping to speak to
me again. I always hear
your words, spoken out of
mourning and despair.
I’m sorry.
Always with you,
Alexander
These two poems were written for my creative writing class. The assignment was to write two letter poems. The inspiration came from the two main characters in my novel. They do kind of give away a big part of the end of the novel, but I still really liked how they turned out.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Ecstatic Dilemma
Last week I had an interview for Sterling Scholar. My interview went really well, but I was competing for the English category with two of the smartest girls I have ever met. I had no idea which of us would win in the end.
I met these two girls in junior high and we have been involved in many of the same things since then. We have all had split interests between English and Science as well as other things. We have all been really good friends. There are not two other people in all of Davis School District who I would rather compete against. I was prepared to lose and I was prepared to be happy about it. No matter who won, I would have been happy for them. They would have deserved it.
We have been anxiously awaiting the results since our interviews. Today, while I was heading to my car so that I could go to Mr. T's class at Fairfield for my internship, the announcements came on and I was informed that the list of Sterling Scholars would be posted at lunch. Luckily, Mr. T kept me super busy during the three hours I was at my internship and the time passed without me being able to freak out too much. When I got back to the school, I found myself practically racing into the building.
I wanted to check the list at the same time as Carley, who was competing for the Visual Art category. So I called her and told her to wait for me. We met at the stairs and walked up to where the list was. I couldn't even concentrate on what the list said because I was so excited, but when I finally focused enough to see what name was under the English category I saw that it was mine. I don't think I could breath just then. Then I saw that Carley had also been chosen for Visual Arts. I don't think there is any cooler thing than sharing such an accomplishment with your twin sister.
However, soon after I noticed Carley and I were going to be competing at region, I also noticed that Nicole had been chosen for Science and that, of the three of us pictured above, Hillary was the one who would not be moving on. She was also the only one who was not able to see the list for herself. She was at her internship in Salt Lake and wanted Nicole and I to let her know the results.
Herein was our dilemma. How were Nicole and I supposed to inform Hillary that, not only had her two friends been chosen for both categories she had competed in, but she had not? How were we supposed to be happy about this amazing accomplishment when our close friend was not able to share it with us? Was the right choice to just come out and tell her or let her find out on her own?
In the end we decided that, since she had asked both Nicole and I to inform her of the results, we had no other choice but to tell her. I tried calling her, hoping that an actual conversation would soften the blow a little, but I recieved no answer. After discussing it for a moment, Nicole and I decided that it would be best if both of us sent her a seperate text informing her of the results for our category.
I still don't know how Hillary will take this. I am currently sitting in my Newspaper class, hoping that she will not find our way of telling her too... I don't even know what the right word for this is. I'm torn between showing just how excited I am and feeling bad that Hillary does not get to compete for Region. I don't really know if there is a right answer or solution to this problem.
In the meantime, congratulations to everyone else who was chosen for Sterling Scholar! I know that we have all worked hard since starting high school to come to this point. There is a lot of work ahead of us, but each of us deserves what we were chosen for and I know that Layton High is going to be very well represented this year!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Overwhelmed
I say that I know certain things shouldn't matter anymore, that I don't care. But sometimes I just get overwhelmed by everything and I wish I had some of the more insignificant comforts to fall back on. Today is one of those days. I just wish there was someone that I could really tell everything. I don't think such a person truly exists, though.
This is a not-so-great poem I wrote today. I thought I would share.
This is a not-so-great poem I wrote today. I thought I would share.
You ask what is wrong and I
want to answer, freely, openly.
The answer, though, is too long,
too real to tell. I know that
you will not really care to hear it.
You do not really want to know
that I feel I am not good enough.
You have no desire to listen to
me say that I feel that there is
no one who really understands.
It is too cliché, too much of an
excuse for me to really feel.
Still, I want to tell you
everything.
Instead I keep my worries, my
insecurities to myself. They build
and build until I can no longer
stand them. I break down, unable
to resist any longer, but there is
still no one to listen.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Fragile Earth
The breeze blows, cool
against the fragile canvas of
the earth, writing crimson
memoirs in the blue sky.
Fragile wings break
through, a barrier to the
ever wandering
thoughts in the air.
Since the painful and
expectant sunrise, the earth
became chaotic. You stand,
observing intelligent trees,
rooted in their peaceful
ground, content with the
casual loneliness of their
existence as their leaves
drift to the ground
upon attentive wings.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Assurance.
So, I know that National Novel Writing Month has started and so instead of writing this blog I should be writing my novel... Or you know... Sleeping. However, I was just having some thoughts that I really wanted to preserve. I thought there was no better place than here to do that.
Any person my age has a lot of big things going on right now. College applications are beginning to become number one priority, we're beginning to realize how difficult it will be to afford living the lives we are hoping to live and how impossible it is to afford the lives we dream to be living. We have heard so many times in the past that senior year is a time to have fun, but none of us have time for fun at the moment. How can a person have fun when there are so many life altering decisions being made right now?
With all of these big thing going on, I wouldn't be surprised if we're all feeling a little bit like we're falling behind. Maybe we don't feel like we're doing the best we can or that we are screwing up. I can tell you from personal experience that assurance otherwise can mean a lot to people of my age right now. This is an independence that many of us have not experienced before and we are all worried that we are going to screw up. In fact, we most definitely will screw up somehow. Some of us have already screwed up. Either way, it's nice to hear that we're doing a little bit better than we think we are.
Tonight the person whose opinion matters most to me when it comes to how well I am doing with my life reassured me that I am doing pretty well. I was shocked, to say the least. I feel like a chicken running around with its head chopped off (or is that a turkey? I can't remember.) I have no idea how to get everything that I need done and still be sane. I am so worried that I am going to make a mistake that will cost me for the rest of my life. I'm worried that I'm going to miss something crucial. I'm worried that I'm disappointing my friends and my family with how I prefer to spend my downtime by myself more and more often.
It's not that I don't love the people in my life, I do, so much. I just really value the time I have to just relax and not stress about everything right now. It feels so hypocritical to how I feel about the ever increasing number of things that I miss at home and with my friends, but I've come to the point where missing these things doesn't upset as much as it did. I feel like I am not getting anything done and that I am not doing things very well. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. To hear that my mom thinks that I am doing very well is a very good thing. It really helps me to hear that.
I just thought that I would share that. Life my be overwhelming and I may feel that I am not succeeding with all that I am supposed to be doing in my life to this point, but I have people who believe in me and who believe that I am doing well. I don't think they will ever understand just how much that means to me.
Any person my age has a lot of big things going on right now. College applications are beginning to become number one priority, we're beginning to realize how difficult it will be to afford living the lives we are hoping to live and how impossible it is to afford the lives we dream to be living. We have heard so many times in the past that senior year is a time to have fun, but none of us have time for fun at the moment. How can a person have fun when there are so many life altering decisions being made right now?
With all of these big thing going on, I wouldn't be surprised if we're all feeling a little bit like we're falling behind. Maybe we don't feel like we're doing the best we can or that we are screwing up. I can tell you from personal experience that assurance otherwise can mean a lot to people of my age right now. This is an independence that many of us have not experienced before and we are all worried that we are going to screw up. In fact, we most definitely will screw up somehow. Some of us have already screwed up. Either way, it's nice to hear that we're doing a little bit better than we think we are.
Tonight the person whose opinion matters most to me when it comes to how well I am doing with my life reassured me that I am doing pretty well. I was shocked, to say the least. I feel like a chicken running around with its head chopped off (or is that a turkey? I can't remember.) I have no idea how to get everything that I need done and still be sane. I am so worried that I am going to make a mistake that will cost me for the rest of my life. I'm worried that I'm going to miss something crucial. I'm worried that I'm disappointing my friends and my family with how I prefer to spend my downtime by myself more and more often.
It's not that I don't love the people in my life, I do, so much. I just really value the time I have to just relax and not stress about everything right now. It feels so hypocritical to how I feel about the ever increasing number of things that I miss at home and with my friends, but I've come to the point where missing these things doesn't upset as much as it did. I feel like I am not getting anything done and that I am not doing things very well. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. To hear that my mom thinks that I am doing very well is a very good thing. It really helps me to hear that.
I just thought that I would share that. Life my be overwhelming and I may feel that I am not succeeding with all that I am supposed to be doing in my life to this point, but I have people who believe in me and who believe that I am doing well. I don't think they will ever understand just how much that means to me.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
NaNoWriMo, Centurion and College!
So I haven't written in about a month. Whoops. It's not that there has been a lot going on. I've been working and going to school. Of course, the last week has been crazy because of the end of the term, but other than that I have just been going about my normal schedule.
There are some really awesome things coming up in the next month, though. Some of them require a lot of attention and are going to be really stressful and others are merely for fun. Either way, November is going to be an incredibly busy month for me.
First of all, my college applications are all due by the first and my Sterling Scholar application is due this week. Soon I'll have to make all of these big decisions that may affect me for the rest of my life. I took the ACT yesterday. I'll probably get my scores in November as well. Senior year has been crazy, so far. Everything is happening so fast and I have no idea where all this time is going.
The second thing is that it is once again time for NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month. The month every year when I delude myself into thinking that this year I will have the time and the creative ability to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. This year I'm going about the adventure differently. I've started planning my novel for once. I have some characters and a little bit of a plot. I am fully aware that with the time constraint, half of what I write will probably be crap. I understand that if I become too worried about the story being crap, there is no way that I will ever finish.
I have also found a friend who I will be talking with and encouraging throughout the month as he encourages me and we both kick each others' butts until we hit that 50,000 word mark. I was on the NaNoWriMo forums, looking for local people to do writeins, where everyone gets together somewhere and writes for several hours, and I found Friff14. He told me to send him an email and we could start planning something. I emailed him after looking at his profile and discovering that he was a year older than me. Then, when he told me his name in his response I realized that I very likely knew this guy. I asked him if he went to Layton High and once he said that he did we realized that we did, in fact, know each other.
The awesome thing about having someone who I know and who lives nearby participating as well is that I will have just a little bit more reason to keep writing. It will give me an extra boost that I definitely need in order to finish this thing after two years of trying and failing. My life isn't so dramatic as it has been in the past... However, my car freaked out at me as I was driving to work yesterday and is currently sitting in the Boondocks parking lot because there is no one here who can fix it until later today.
The last excited thing going on this month is the unveiling of the school newspaper website that I have been working on since Spring. It is located here. I can't wait to see what people think about it. I'm hoping that more people will read and care about it than they do our print paper. I really would like to have a successful newspaper for once.
That's all for now. I'm going to go work on my plot some more and enjoy the peace and quiet of the house prior to everyone being up and about.
There are some really awesome things coming up in the next month, though. Some of them require a lot of attention and are going to be really stressful and others are merely for fun. Either way, November is going to be an incredibly busy month for me.
First of all, my college applications are all due by the first and my Sterling Scholar application is due this week. Soon I'll have to make all of these big decisions that may affect me for the rest of my life. I took the ACT yesterday. I'll probably get my scores in November as well. Senior year has been crazy, so far. Everything is happening so fast and I have no idea where all this time is going.
The second thing is that it is once again time for NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month. The month every year when I delude myself into thinking that this year I will have the time and the creative ability to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. This year I'm going about the adventure differently. I've started planning my novel for once. I have some characters and a little bit of a plot. I am fully aware that with the time constraint, half of what I write will probably be crap. I understand that if I become too worried about the story being crap, there is no way that I will ever finish.
I have also found a friend who I will be talking with and encouraging throughout the month as he encourages me and we both kick each others' butts until we hit that 50,000 word mark. I was on the NaNoWriMo forums, looking for local people to do writeins, where everyone gets together somewhere and writes for several hours, and I found Friff14. He told me to send him an email and we could start planning something. I emailed him after looking at his profile and discovering that he was a year older than me. Then, when he told me his name in his response I realized that I very likely knew this guy. I asked him if he went to Layton High and once he said that he did we realized that we did, in fact, know each other.
The awesome thing about having someone who I know and who lives nearby participating as well is that I will have just a little bit more reason to keep writing. It will give me an extra boost that I definitely need in order to finish this thing after two years of trying and failing. My life isn't so dramatic as it has been in the past... However, my car freaked out at me as I was driving to work yesterday and is currently sitting in the Boondocks parking lot because there is no one here who can fix it until later today.
The last excited thing going on this month is the unveiling of the school newspaper website that I have been working on since Spring. It is located here. I can't wait to see what people think about it. I'm hoping that more people will read and care about it than they do our print paper. I really would like to have a successful newspaper for once.
That's all for now. I'm going to go work on my plot some more and enjoy the peace and quiet of the house prior to everyone being up and about.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Always Changing
Not quite three years ago I went on a trip to Washington DC for the National Science Olympiad competition. By the time I got home, not only was I absolutely sure that I wanted to go to George Washington University, I was pretty positive that I would be going there. At the time I was 15. I was the farthest from home I had ever been without my parents and I was high on life. Everything was just perfect. I had been... not at my best for a while before the trip and the sudden feeling of success made the whole trip one that I will never forget. Back then I was convinced about many things that I no longer think are true.
It hasn't even been three years. Yet, I am a completely different person from that girl who came home from DC with a silver medal and a dream to be a college student at a large university in probably one of the busiest places in the country. Back then I kept myself in the small cage that had been created by my experiences the two years prior. I only allowed myself to get so far from where I knew I already succeeded and I was so convinced that I was on the track I wanted to be on. What a way to be, right?
Something happened that summer. I don't know what it is, except that the basic idea is that I grew up. By the time school started I was already beginning to cling to the walls of that cage a little bit. I disliked my Chemistry class and my math class was boring. It was odd, but Newspaper was becoming my favorite part of my schedule. I had always been good at English, but never before had it been the subject I looked forward to more than anything else (Mrs. Money's Algebra 2 class was tied with Mr. T's English class in 9th grade, I was a nerd, I know.) Wheels began turning in my mind and the one thing I had always thought that I would never want to do, was something I was beginning to think may be pretty cool.
That was just the beginning. I went through a phase where I was absolutely certain I wanted to go to SUU and major in Journalism. Journalism faded slowly to the possibility of English and eventually USU came into the mix as well. Then I took AP Psychology and was enchanted by the workings of the human mind. I realized that not only was it something that intrigued me, but it was something I was good at. Since I had realized that I didn't really understand math and science, I had struggled to find that. To me, my ability to write essays does not really amount to a real world skill. Understanding people, now that is something that could get me into a good career. I spent some time being certain that I wanted to go into Psychology.
Now, two years later, I have changed even more. It is the critical period in my high school career and I am split in so many directions. My internship with Mr. T is enlightening in that I think I really could be successful at teaching. I could like it, too. On top of all that, Westminster has been added to the list of colleges that I am considering. It is expensive, I know, but it is a good college and is located close enough to home that I could keep my job and not have to pay living costs. It's made my choosing a college that much more difficult. The thing is, I'm not that worried about it. I will end up at a college where I feel I will be successful. Eventually I will choose the major that I think I will enjoy most.
For now, my biggest concern is the application process. I have to make sure that I can get into the colleges that I want to apply to and I need to start applying for scholarships. I also need to make sure that I take the time to enjoy and appreciate the opportunities I am being given as a senior. I learned my lesson in 9th grade when I spent so much time worrying about things that proved to be so insignificant. I forgot to enjoy what I had then and there. I don't regret it because I learned something from it.
Anyway, this rant actually did come from somewhere. Tomorrow is my high school's college day. The seniors get to skip two class periods to go see presentations from three different colleges. I'm glad that my top three college choices will all be there. I don't know how much help it will be, but I plan to see what they have to say and hopefully be able to make some decisions from there. Then on Saturday I will be going down to Westminster to their senior open house. There's a lot of big things going on right now. It's absolutely crazy that we're already at midterm. This school year is going by so much faster than I had expected it to.
It hasn't even been three years. Yet, I am a completely different person from that girl who came home from DC with a silver medal and a dream to be a college student at a large university in probably one of the busiest places in the country. Back then I kept myself in the small cage that had been created by my experiences the two years prior. I only allowed myself to get so far from where I knew I already succeeded and I was so convinced that I was on the track I wanted to be on. What a way to be, right?
Something happened that summer. I don't know what it is, except that the basic idea is that I grew up. By the time school started I was already beginning to cling to the walls of that cage a little bit. I disliked my Chemistry class and my math class was boring. It was odd, but Newspaper was becoming my favorite part of my schedule. I had always been good at English, but never before had it been the subject I looked forward to more than anything else (Mrs. Money's Algebra 2 class was tied with Mr. T's English class in 9th grade, I was a nerd, I know.) Wheels began turning in my mind and the one thing I had always thought that I would never want to do, was something I was beginning to think may be pretty cool.
That was just the beginning. I went through a phase where I was absolutely certain I wanted to go to SUU and major in Journalism. Journalism faded slowly to the possibility of English and eventually USU came into the mix as well. Then I took AP Psychology and was enchanted by the workings of the human mind. I realized that not only was it something that intrigued me, but it was something I was good at. Since I had realized that I didn't really understand math and science, I had struggled to find that. To me, my ability to write essays does not really amount to a real world skill. Understanding people, now that is something that could get me into a good career. I spent some time being certain that I wanted to go into Psychology.
Now, two years later, I have changed even more. It is the critical period in my high school career and I am split in so many directions. My internship with Mr. T is enlightening in that I think I really could be successful at teaching. I could like it, too. On top of all that, Westminster has been added to the list of colleges that I am considering. It is expensive, I know, but it is a good college and is located close enough to home that I could keep my job and not have to pay living costs. It's made my choosing a college that much more difficult. The thing is, I'm not that worried about it. I will end up at a college where I feel I will be successful. Eventually I will choose the major that I think I will enjoy most.
For now, my biggest concern is the application process. I have to make sure that I can get into the colleges that I want to apply to and I need to start applying for scholarships. I also need to make sure that I take the time to enjoy and appreciate the opportunities I am being given as a senior. I learned my lesson in 9th grade when I spent so much time worrying about things that proved to be so insignificant. I forgot to enjoy what I had then and there. I don't regret it because I learned something from it.
Anyway, this rant actually did come from somewhere. Tomorrow is my high school's college day. The seniors get to skip two class periods to go see presentations from three different colleges. I'm glad that my top three college choices will all be there. I don't know how much help it will be, but I plan to see what they have to say and hopefully be able to make some decisions from there. Then on Saturday I will be going down to Westminster to their senior open house. There's a lot of big things going on right now. It's absolutely crazy that we're already at midterm. This school year is going by so much faster than I had expected it to.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
The Return
It was odd to be back here. Stepping off of the train and looking around the station he remembered the day he left. He could see the bench - which was actually no longer there - where he had left his luggage by accident all those years ago. He imagined the air, heavy with moisture from the rain, that contrasted so much with the warm, bright light that floated in from the windows now.
A decade had passed since he left this place. In that time he had traveled the world. He had been through many jobs before finally discovering one he could settle at. He had met new people and made new friends. He had forgotten and he had forgiven as was his intention when he boarded the train that took him away.
Maybe forgotten wasn't the right word. As he stood, looking around, noting the foreign familiarity of the room, he knew he did not forget. He moved on. He had found a new way to live, but his past hadn't left him. He knew that now.
The sudden appearance of her soft face and dark hair (which was shorter now, he thought) was shocking an expected all at the same time. She had not forgotten either. The look in her eyes as their gazes met proved that to him.
He was shocked by how different she looked. It was as if her sophistication and obvious maturity made her taller, somehow. It made him wonder if they could fix things now. They had both grown up... But that was the point, wasn't it?
As her train arrived and she climbed aboard, giving him one last, familiar smile, he knew that this was their destiny. They had influenced each others' lives as much as they were ever meant to.
He looked forward to the street as he left the station, feeling a kind of relief he hadn't felt in ten years.
A decade had passed since he left this place. In that time he had traveled the world. He had been through many jobs before finally discovering one he could settle at. He had met new people and made new friends. He had forgotten and he had forgiven as was his intention when he boarded the train that took him away.
Maybe forgotten wasn't the right word. As he stood, looking around, noting the foreign familiarity of the room, he knew he did not forget. He moved on. He had found a new way to live, but his past hadn't left him. He knew that now.
The sudden appearance of her soft face and dark hair (which was shorter now, he thought) was shocking an expected all at the same time. She had not forgotten either. The look in her eyes as their gazes met proved that to him.
He was shocked by how different she looked. It was as if her sophistication and obvious maturity made her taller, somehow. It made him wonder if they could fix things now. They had both grown up... But that was the point, wasn't it?
As her train arrived and she climbed aboard, giving him one last, familiar smile, he knew that this was their destiny. They had influenced each others' lives as much as they were ever meant to.
He looked forward to the street as he left the station, feeling a kind of relief he hadn't felt in ten years.
The Other Side of the story
Why can't I move? Why can't I force myself from this spot? What is the point of standing here, staring at this train? It's not even the same train that he left on, and yet, I can't leave. I feel like maybe if I stand here long enough he will come back.
We all made our mistakes, but, though I know mine were the worst, shouldn't he be able to forgive me as well? I forgave him I forgot about all the lies, all the hurtful things he said. Why have I not been forgiven? He left me here all by myself without a single clue to where he was going.
A train. Tht's all I knew. He had taken his things and boarded a train. We weren't speaking to each other, I know, but he left. I never expected him to leave. I guess I should have tried to talk to him. Instead of months of silence there could have been words. I know that now. We could have fixed this. He didn't have to leave.
I have been a stone for so long. Maybe that is why he left. I had no remorse. I showed no sorrow for the events that tore us apart. I was cold and distant toward everyone. That didn't do any good. He left on a train and now I am here watching other trains go by. Trying to hold myself together. Trying to prevent the breakdown I know is just under the surface.
I didn't realize before, but without him I am completely alone.
We all made our mistakes, but, though I know mine were the worst, shouldn't he be able to forgive me as well? I forgave him I forgot about all the lies, all the hurtful things he said. Why have I not been forgiven? He left me here all by myself without a single clue to where he was going.
A train. Tht's all I knew. He had taken his things and boarded a train. We weren't speaking to each other, I know, but he left. I never expected him to leave. I guess I should have tried to talk to him. Instead of months of silence there could have been words. I know that now. We could have fixed this. He didn't have to leave.
I have been a stone for so long. Maybe that is why he left. I had no remorse. I showed no sorrow for the events that tore us apart. I was cold and distant toward everyone. That didn't do any good. He left on a train and now I am here watching other trains go by. Trying to hold myself together. Trying to prevent the breakdown I know is just under the surface.
I didn't realize before, but without him I am completely alone.
Monday, September 13, 2010
The Platform
"The world moved on."*
The words came from a book he remembered reading long ago. Back then, he had thought it sounded cool but put no further thought to it than that.
Now the words came to him from some dark and unused corner of his mind as he stood on the edge of the platform. His world had certainly moved on. Gone were the days of camaraderie and laughter. Somewhere between all of the words he had said and those he had always wanted, but never could actually say his world, and the separate worlds of all those around him, had moved on.
He supposed that it must be time to move on as well. Forgive and forget was the phrase that came to his mind. Looking back, he knew that his past would always be a part of him, but maybe, just this once, he could move on without bringing the bitterness with him.
Sounds of the approaching train reached his ears as he took a deep breath. It really was time to move on, he though, no denying it now.
When the train came to a stop the man moved toward it, ready to board. He sat watching the platform as the train began to move. He never realized that he had left his luggage behind.
*Credit for this phrase actually goes to The Gunslinger by Stephen King.
The words came from a book he remembered reading long ago. Back then, he had thought it sounded cool but put no further thought to it than that.
Now the words came to him from some dark and unused corner of his mind as he stood on the edge of the platform. His world had certainly moved on. Gone were the days of camaraderie and laughter. Somewhere between all of the words he had said and those he had always wanted, but never could actually say his world, and the separate worlds of all those around him, had moved on.
He supposed that it must be time to move on as well. Forgive and forget was the phrase that came to his mind. Looking back, he knew that his past would always be a part of him, but maybe, just this once, he could move on without bringing the bitterness with him.
Sounds of the approaching train reached his ears as he took a deep breath. It really was time to move on, he though, no denying it now.
When the train came to a stop the man moved toward it, ready to board. He sat watching the platform as the train began to move. He never realized that he had left his luggage behind.
*Credit for this phrase actually goes to The Gunslinger by Stephen King.
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